Better…

I’m feeling 10 times better then when I last posted. I don’t know what’s happened, one day if felt like my world was falling apart and the next day I was fine. Like a switch.

I’m trying not to think too far into the future, right now the focus is on the house, so much to do. It’s stressful in some ways but it’s a good stress I suppose.

We had our halloween book club on Friday night and what a ball we had. This group of girls are so so awesome, we’re all walking different paths right now but the end goal is the same. I got to speak to Anne, she was a surrogate for her best friend, what an amazing women. She did it out of pure love,  she had twins and told me her side of it, totally amazing I tell you. I am so thankful for the friendships that we have gained thru our journeys, I really do hope that they last a lifetime!!

Then the next night, I dreamt that my cousin had a baby. This baby was beautiful and I was so in love with her. Holding her in my arms was like it was meant to be. I was so confused because she looked like I expected my baby to look and the love I felt, Oh boy! Next thing she tells me that she’s mine, she carried her for me. Weird! That dream made me realise that the thing I’m scared of the most is not bonding with my baby if I don’t carry it and that my friends is nonsense. I will but we’ll cross that bridge if we get there, for now it’s being put to bed and I have every hope that our next IVF will work!

On that note, my very very special friend Sam, took her last BCP today. I am so so excited for her. She starts shooting it up on Friday already. I know know know in my heart that this is going to be it for you sweets. Please go and wish her luck!!!

On a different note. Sharon posted this on her blog yesterday:

Its been 10 months since this photo was taken way back in January. On some levels it feels like a life time has past, on others, it feels like its been a blink of an eye.

Between the 8 of us, we have amassed a number of timed, medicated cycles, two IUI’s, 8 IVF’s/FET’s/GIFTs, 2 donor egg cycles, about R500 000 and an immeasurable amount of heart ache and heart break with very little joy. Out of the 14+ cycles in the last 10 months,  represented by us women here only 4 resulted in positive pregnancy tests and of the 4 only one has resulted in a pregnancy that past the 12 week/first trimester mark and 3 resulted in first trimester miscarriages and one in the loss of a triplet. And yes for the person who is incessantly googling “Maritza from Fertilicare pregnant with triplets”, that would be our friend Maritza who lost one of her triplets.

Of the 8 of us, one is still pregnant, 3 will have to use donor eggs, one of us has been told to use a surrogate and two of us have given up completely on treatment, two of us are pursuing adoption and one has chosen to live child free.

What a devastating statistic. So little success, so little joy after so much hard work, pain, sacrifice and discomfort. When I look at the stats all layed out like that, I can’t help having peace with my choice not to continue on with treatment.

When I look at that photo, my heart is overwhelmed by sadness, when I see the smiles on our faces I marvel at what an incredibly brave bunch of women we are, but I am crushed by the difficult hand we’ve been dealt. My 7+ years of infertility has taught me that the longer one seems to try the less chance there seems to be for success. Its always the younger women, the ones who haven’t been trying as long that lap us at the finish line. In this group of women, there is one who has tried for 10 years, one who has tried for 7 & a half years, one who has tried for over 6 years and so it goes down. Its interesting that the ones that have given up are the ones who have been trying for 6 years and upwards. Just between the 3 of us, we have more tha 23 years of TTC combined!!!!!

Yesterday, Monday, 2nd of November was supposed to be my first antenatal visit, I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. I can’t help but think about all the could have/should have beens. Not just of what yesterday should have been but of all the could have/should have beens that I see masked in the smiles of my infertility sista’s eyes.

And it makes me extremely sad.

This post really struck a cord with me. It upset me a bit if I have to be honest because stats are stats. It’s all the truth. This bunch of girls has been dealt a shitty shitty hand but I don’t think it’s over. We are so much more than this and I think that there is still a huge amount of hope. Yes, it’s changed us, there is no doubt about that at all. None of us are the same as we used to be, we’re more cynical and a bit more jaded but I refuse to go down that road, I refuse to let it destroy me because if I don’t have hope then what do I have?  I have to believe that one way or another this will all end, that we will all hold babies in our arms and that for once we will be on the other side of the stats. Please God.

 

Is it that time again?

I feel like I’m living in a fog lately. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

I don’t know where to start actually because in my mind I never thought I’d be back here again. Back in a place that was so hard to leave behind and  I was determined not to go back there again. But here I am.

I’m not even sure what started this off again, I think that maybe living in that lovely place called Denial did me no good. I haven’t really dealt with any of my feelings since our last appointment with Dr V, after the surrogate thing was “put out there” (as Dr V says it) I did some research and was shocked at the cost of the whole thing, that I think was the worst part for me. It’s one thing to give up the dream of carrying your own child, it’s another to feel like you’re paying someone to do it – almost like a day job.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that being a surrogate is the most selfless act, the gift of life is what it is BUT and this is a big BUT….maybe I haven’t dealt with the right people but let me tell you, from my side it seems like it’s a money making thing. I mean “living expenses” between R10 000 and R16 000 a month, give me a break will you?

I know i’m probably stepping on toes here because we all see this differently, hell – before I was in this boat my view of surrogacy was very different. It’s like many things in life, you can’t say how it feels until you there and now that I’m here, faced with this, I must say, I’m not responding to it as well as I thought I would because altho you can’t put a price on a baby…R250 000 is a lot of money any way you look at it.

All of the above, coupled with Shaz and Maritza’s news has made me fall off the wagon a bit. Frank and I are considering starting treatment in Jan/Feb next year and instead of being hopeful and excited, I’m so bloody scared. Sharon’s news shook my world, I was surprised at how hard it hit me to tell you the truth, I mean…we all make friends thru this, some bonds are stronger than others and we all feel for our fellow infertiles when things go wrong but this, this just made me so so sad and so angry at God (but that’s a whole different issue).

I think the fact the I hadn’t really dealt with the reality of my situation didn’t help either because while chatting to Sharon on Skype the day she got her bad news I started crying, because her pain was so raw and honest and it really hit home with me. I haven’t been the same since, I’m not in a good place at all. I feel like I did a few months ago, after our failed cycle. I don’t want to go out, I’m avoiding my friends, I’m so tired and so sad and so stressed. Now with Maritza’s news about her Nuchal scan, it makes me so so sad and I truly hope that it’s a horrible mistake and that those little miracles are perfect. I’m having a really hard time understanding why because all of this seems like a sick joke??

My MIL suggested going back on Ciprolex. I said no. I don’t want to be in this place again and admitting that I need anti-depressants makes me feel weak. Ciprolex is wonderful, I had no side effects what-so-ever on it and all it did was help me feel human again. I don’t know what to do. The thing about AD’s is that they do make you feel better but while you’re feeling better are you really better? You don’t deal with any issues because you don’t feel the need to. I’m in two minds here because while I want to do this without AD’s but I don’t know if I can.

Frank suggested going to see someone again but I don’t want to do that either. I’m all for therapy and I do believe that it works but I just don’t feel like it now, maybe it’s being silly because I know I need to talk about my feelings but talking about them is so hard because it makes this all very real for me.

Annnnnd while I should be hopeful for our cycle in Jan because we’re doing intralipids and they seem to be doing the trick for many people, I’m scared because what happens if it doesn’t work, if it doesn’t work then it would mean that Dr V was right and that we need a surrogate and I don’t know how I’m ever going to do that.

My minds a mess and this is coming out all over the place. The house, that’s all moving along now, we’ve signed with the lawyers and everything should go thru in the next four weeks. I’m happy with that but it also feels like a “hurry up and wait” thing, my whole life feels like that at the moment.

The only thing that keeps me sane are Abi and Murph, my little ones that I love love love so much. Frank too is such a sweetheart and he’s trying very hard to understand my needs right now.

Here are some pics of my sweethearts as promised:

 

Is this thing still on?

I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t check in here often, really.

I seem to have wondered off into this lovely little place called Denial and while I was there, I forgot that this place even existed because you see, this place reminds me so much of all the pain that lives outside the borders of Denial. 

So much has happened since I was last in the real world, somwhere inbetween all of this my dear friend, Maritza fell prengant on a GIFT cycle with triplets, the sun was shining in the land of Denial and then the clouds of the real world started coming thru when M lost one of the triplets, making the triplets healthy little twins, a very bittersweet day indeed. In between all of this babies were born, 3 in the last few weeks in fact and people were happy and in love, for a change it warmed my heart.

M went on her merry way to start her new life in George and it was the end of the Mojito club. We were all sad to see her go but know that our friendships will live on because of the strong bonds we have formed through infertility. M, my friend – thank you for being a special friend and we wish you and yours all the best and lots of joy to come! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then our friend Sharon fell pregnant, in fact it was confirmed 3 days after this pic was taken. We were all over the moon for her, it seems that things were finally falling into place with our little group and the view of motherhood was on the horizon. Yesterday Sharon’s beta dropped, we are all devastated for her. I’m hoping against all hope that this isn’t the start of her 7th miscarriage, she and her husband have been thru so much and they really don’t deserve this heartache. Please hope with me that she gets her miracle baby.

In between all this Abbey’s GIFT failed, we all had such high hopes for her. She has also been thru so much and my heart breaks at the thought of all of how she is feeling right now. Infertility is a horrible monster and I so wish that things were different for all of us.

All this has done is bring me back to reality, into the real world where our pain is dulled with time but never forgotten and all it takes is someone close to you feeling that pain and it’s all brought back with such intensity that you feel like you can’t breath. It makes me scared to even think about going there again, it brings back into my mind the fact that our next IVF is not a guarantee and then it makes me think of the last conversation with Dr V which isn’t something I’ve been able to face at all. I.JUST.CAN’T.DO.IT

In other news – our house is sold. Everything is going according to plan and we should move at the end of November this year. Abi and Murphy are doing well, they both had ringworm which I pressume is from the cats coming into our garden at night but they seem to be getting better and continue to bring Frank and I much joy. Will post some updated pics soon, you wont believe how big they have gotten!

That’s it for now folks….I hope you are all well.

 

One day you will…

My sweet husband downloaded this song for me, told me to listen to the words because it reminded him of us, it makes me cry…

You feel like you’re falling backwards
Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

Chorus
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

Repeat Chorus

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

Repeat Chorus

One day you will
Oh one day you will

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wB_rRIWoGAA

 

Sometimes Silence is the best answer…

It’s been a while since I blogged and today isn’t really because I have anything specific to say, it’s simply to see what comes out.

Last week our friends had thier baby, I can’t believe it’s been 9 months already. She’s beautiful. Frank wanted to go and see them and of-course I had to go with since it’s the right thing to do. I’ve never had a problem holding babies, in-fact I always do because it reminds me of how much I want this. Lately things are different. I can’t touch them anymore, I look at them from a distance because if they come near me I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack, my heart starts to beat all funny, I feel the back of my eyes burning with the sure sign of tears and I wanna run for the hills! This is concerning because people just don’t get it, they think that you’re being funny when you don’t offer to Koochie Koo over their little ones. I think I need help so I’m going to try and find someone to help me deal with this.

Everything baby related disturbs me nowdays, I’m not in a good place about it and it just feels like it’s getting worse. This whole surrogacy thing turned my world on it’s head and when I look at mothers and their precious little bundles, I wonder if I’ll ever do that. I wonder if I’ll ever go for the first scan and see my babies heartbeat and know that we have created life, I wonder if I’ll be the one in hospital after giving birth to my child, these visions haunt me.

I find myself thinking about doing treatment sooner, just because I have to know, I have to know if it’s going to work but i’m so far from ready it’s just not funny. We’ll stick to our plan of doing another IVF with intralipids early next year and hopefully then we’ll both be in a better place. I can see the restlessness in Frank, he’s changed. Frank was always on the fence about having children and always told me that it didn’t matter as long as he had me, it’s different now. I can see the anger in him now, he tells me that it’s unfair that we can’t have what others do because he thinks we’ll be good parents. It breaks my heart.

And if life wasn’t intersting enough. The sale on our house has fallen thru so we’re back to square one, if we don’t sell it soon then we’ll lose the other house, up until now I’ve thought that if it didn’t happen then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be but I’m so tired to thinking like that, so tired of trying to stay positive just because it’s better than getting angry!

I’m also quite unhappy in my job, I don’t want to do this anymore, it depresses me. I need to find something to do on my own, I’m over working for a corporate company. I’ve also done a lot of soul searching lately and this just isn’t what I imagined. I also can’t stand the thought of finally getting this baby thing right only to have to leave my child at 6 months and let someone share all the firsts with my child. I do know that we can’t have everything and that not everyone has it easy but there’s got to be something I can do to make this all work out….

Maybe if I think about it some more because sometimes, just sometimes….silence is the best answer.

 

I can’t find the words…

I’ve been wanting to post and update for a while and I feel like I have so much to say but I can’t really find the words. Let’s see what comes out…

Robbie’s funeral was awful but who’s isn’t? Altho it’s passed I keep on dreaming about death. On Monday night I dreamt that my Dad died, it was so awful and felt so real, I can remember that all I wanted was to make things right and tell him that I loved him one more time. Last night I dreamt about Robbie again….I dreamt that he was dead but that his body was still with us and my gran (his mother who passed away over 6 years ago) had to come back to say goodbye to him before his body could move on, next minute they were both alive but saying good-bye. It was so strange and in the midst of all of this I had this huge pregnant belly but had a plaster over my belly button because I was recovering from a lap. W.E.I.R.D I tell you!

The surrogacy thing has taken a back seat for now, I’ve done my research and you wont believe what surrogacy costs through an agency, it’s in the region of R180 000 - R250 000 depending on what kind of lifestyle your surrogate leads since you pay for her “living costs” while she is “with child”. The cost is completely laughable and I don’t know how anyone could afford that. I suppose you could go privately but we’re not comfortable with that. So unless we have some real offers that we could consider, it’s really not an option. I know that you can’t put a cost on a baby but it’s just not possible for us.

Our only option I suppose is doing IVF with intralipids. Dr V says that they don’t have stats on it but they do know that it does higher the chance for some people. He also says that he’s happy doing another IVF without a surrogate since we could get it right but he felt that we needed to know that it is a real option for people in our position. I suppose should that IVF fail, he would strongly recommend surrogacy….I’ve asked him loads of questions about freezing half my embryo’s and if our IVF doesn’t work then doing a FET with a surrogate but obviously that depends on what kind of batch you get from that round…and then of-course we’re back to the surrogacy thing that we can’t afford – again. Anyone getting dizzy yet?

So, as I was saying. No decisions have been made yet, the only thing I do know is that we’ve agreed to give it all we’ve got (so to speak) and try natrually for the next 3 months. I’m going back on a healthy eathing plan and try and lose some of the weight I’ve gained again, I’m also going back to reflexology. I’m thinking about trying Dr Solomon at Vitalab, who uses hypnotherapy to help deal with certain issues, such as mother issues and believing that you can’t do this…

Come Dec, if nothing has happened then I will be going on the pill. If we decide to do IVF again then it will be early next year. We’ve got so much on the go, we’ve sold our house and bought a new one, we’re waiting for all the paperwork to go thru and hopefully we’ll be moving house end Oct/Nov sometime so that should keep us busy.

It’s so funny how the universe throws things at you when you least expect them, I was feeling so much better about this baby thing, we we’re both in such a good place, finally it had stopped ruling our lives and now it feels like I’m back in that hole again, all this has done is remind of how much I want this and of-course how much it can all hurt. I don’t think we’ll ever have the answer but I just want to know, WHY?

Please go over and give my dear dear friend a virtual hug, she’s having a hard time right now and it’s just not fucking fair, please universe….we need to catch a break here!!! Dee sweetie, I know your heart is sore right now, please know that you are in my thoughts and I hope that you find peace soon.

 

Blah…

I had a dream on the weekend. I dreamt that we did an IVF with a surrogate back-up. Two in me, two in her. She fell pregnant and I didn’t.

Instead of being happy that this was finally going to be over I was devastated at the thought of someone else carrying my babies. I’ve cried all weekend, I’m not sure which way is up right now.

Frank and I have decided to do some research. I need to contact some agencies and find out more about using a surrogate, the in’s and out’s of it and of-course how much it’s all going to cost. I know you can’t put a price on a baby but it’s all so much to take in. The only thing I can do right now is research and then we can go from there….

Thanks for all your love and support, all of you mean so much to me and I’m thankful that I have people that get how hard this is (even if you are in the computer)…

A year ago today we got the news that our IVF has failed, I thought we’d come a long way from there but today I find myself in the same place again with all the uncertainty and pain. Today, like I did last year I ask….

Dear God, you know my heart. My fears, pain and emptyness lie bare before you. By your Grace, please remove me from this unbearable cross, if not then please carry it with me….Amen

 

Be still my heart…

So, we had our follow up appointment with Dr V yesterday. To say that it wasn’t what I expected is an understatement of note.

Well then, what did I expect? I expected that Dr V answered all my questions that I had, which he did. I expected to make plans for future treatment and come away with a clear idea of what that treatment was going to be….

Dr V says the my uterus/pelvic area is perfect. My ovaries are perfect with no damage what-so-ever, my pelvis area where the endo from my last op’s has healed incredibly well. The spot that Dr V did remove and sent for biospy came back as nothing ie, not endo so he’s happy! Basically Dr V came back saying that I shouldn’t be there because:

1. My uterus/pelvis is perfect
2. I have perfect cycles
3. We have an excellent stim reponse
4. We have an excellent fert rate
5. We had 7 blasts on day 5 with our last IVF, 3 fo which were transfer quality, according to Dr V, that is excellend for someone my age.
6. Franks sperm is perfect
7. Our HLA study and chromosome tests came back perfect, no problems at all so IVIg is not an option

So then what is the problem? Dr V says that I should be able to conceive on my own, he says that intralipids might do the trick since there might be a NKC (natural killer cell) issue, he says the GIFT and ZIFT are not an option for us because we aren’t good candidates for it. IVF with intralipids and injectable progesterone and estrogen support might do the trick but he’s not convinced. So basically we’re still in the unexplained infertility category here, not a nice place to be by any stretch of the imagination. So then, dear readers, you may ask…what is the solution?

It all seemed to be going well, I asked Dr V about trying on our own and he said go for it but that if I haven’t conceived by Dec then I should consider going on the pill – fair enough. He said tha he was willing to do another few rounds of medicated IUI’s if that’s what I wanted (since there isn’t really a need for IVF but it’s the most advanced and it does give us a better chance) but that IUI with intralipids has never been done since they aren’t sure when to give you the intralipid and that continueous use of intralipids (month after month) could be bad for you so they would only administer the intralipids once a pregnacy was acheived through IUI – that’s not going to help since our issues are around implantation so there goes that idea.

Dr V went on to say that he has a similar case to mine, basically they have no clue what’s happening here, they’ve tested all that they can test, fixed all that can be fixed and now the only thing they can medically think of is changing the womb. So Frank and I are sitting there and we must obviously be (even after all this time) so naive because we both said, “well, how do you do that?” – I thought…here we go again, another op. Yes, No…not that easy people!

Dr V looked at us and said…”A surrogate”

Well blow me down with a feather. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that this would be an option for us and even as I sit here and type this, it all feels like some sick joke, a bad bad dream. You know what it’s like, when travelling this road….you and your respective other talk about things like this (well we have) and I have in the past told Frank that should I have the choice between never having a baby or having someone else carry my child, I would use a surrogate but it’s one thing saying that it’s an option, it’s another thing being told that it’s reality.

It blows my mind. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to react, Frank sat there looking at me. My first reaction was, Oh my fucking word…this isn’t happening and I am still very surprised that I never burst into tears right there and then. Instead, I said…”well, we’ve spoken about this before but I never thought we would need it, it’s quite a thing to get your head around and I really would like to carry my own baby”

Dr V went on to tell me about a case that is very similar to mine. Everything is perfect, they did a few IVF cycles with perfect blasts/embryo’s with no hint of a pregnancy, with their last IVF with intralips they put two embryo’s back into the mother and two into a surrogate, the surrogate is pregnant with twins and the mother didn’t even get a positive pregnancy test. ‘

Okay, so I’m in denial here and I say, “/okay so we’ll do a IVF cycle with intralipids and then if that doesn’t work we’ll go from there?” Dr V says “why don’t you consider using a surrogate back-up, we put two in you and two in her, I know it’s a lot to process but think about it, it’s your choice?” He goes on to tell us that using someone we know will help keep the costs down but that they would have to be screened. We leave there with Dr V telling us to think about it and let him know when we’ve decided and we’re ready. I’m numb, it doesn’t feel real.

Frank and I go and have a cup of coffee, we chat about it and I get tearful, Frank says it’s my decision because I’m the one that’s always wanted to be pregnant, it’s never been about just having a baby for me, it’s about carrying it, bonding with it and feeling it grow and move inside me. I tell him that I have to get to work and since we’re in seperate cars we go our seperate ways. I sob all the way to work, I feel so empty and scared and I can’t believe what’s just happened.

I get to work, sit down and my desk and cry some more, my telephone rings and it’s my sister. She’s sobbing. My uncle (my dad’s youngest brother of 47) has just passed away. I tell her I’m coming to fetch her and I do. We go to the hospital, I cannot go in and see his body (he went in for nuemonia and just couldn’t recover), my aunt comes out and my heart breaks for her. They never had children, they couldn’t and he was too stubborn to get tested. She tells me that she doesn’t want to live without him and that he’s all she had, I cry because I can’t imagine losing my husband, I cry for her because she’s all alone and everything she’s ever known is now gone. I cry and my heart aches, I don’t know whether I’m grieving for Frank and I or her, I think it’s a bit of both and none of this seems fair.

I cried so much yesterday and today it all feels very surreal. I woke up this morning from a good sleep only to realise that nothing has changed. I can’t really talk about it and Frank and I haven’t spoken about it again, he says that we don’t need to decide now, everyone says that and I know it’s true, I need to wait and let the answers come to me but it’s like a black cloud and my heart feels so heavy. It was my birthday this week and it was wonderful compared to the uncertainty and pain of last year, I was finally feeling like I was in a good place and then this. I’m so tired of it all. We have a birthday bash planned with 18 of our nearest and dearest which we decided not to cancel, it felt weird because I have nothing to celebrate but Frank thought it was important for me to get out and I’m glad that we did. Here’s some pics, it’s amazing how a smile can make you look like you’re not dying inside….

And to Robbie, may you rest in peace. You will live forever in my heart…

 

Back in the land…

Well people, I’m back. Back in the land of the living…..

So, last week went well. I had my lap on Tuesday at about 3pm…the lovely Dr V held my hand while they put me to sleep, I was so bloody nervous you’d think I was a first timer!!! Basically, it was short and sweet (well maybe not that sweet – but you get the gist). The polyp removal went well, very well because it was no longer there anymore since 90% of polyps come away by themselves (yes, I didn’t know that either – bloody annoying I tell ya!)  but in anycase, the lap needed to be done so that Dr V could clean up the polyp site since it does leave behind some scar tissue. He also found a “dark spot” which was removed and sent for biopsy but other then that he said that I had best uterus he’d seen that day!! He also told me that he would never perform another lapscope on me again since in his opinion 5 is way over the top (tell me about it). Apparently it wasn’t in my file that this was my 5th one but what was in my file (which I didn’t know either) was that I had the same polyp episode in 2006 with my last op – go figure! Dr V says that there was no sight of endo and he doesn’t expect it to come back at all, he also said that my uterus is in surprisingly good condition to spite all the ops I’ve had. Minimal scar tissue as well. So we’re all happy.

I recovered very well from this op, could be due to the fact that I wasn’t under long and there was minimal cutting inside. My cuts are healing nicely but the one in my belly button has been weeping a bit since I had my stitches out on Friday, probably due to all the scar tissue in there….

So all is well in the land of Tam & Frank then is it? Well, to make a long story short – yes. We do have some descisions to make, Dr V wants to know when we’re starting treatment again and you know the feelings I have been having on that. Sam, however, kindly pointed out the fact that I wouldn’t have had this op if I wasn’t thinking about future treatment….mmmm, okay so we told him we weren’t considering treatment this year. He told me that he would like to put me on the pill until we decide we’re ready, mmmm, problem No. 1.  Although I wasn’t considering treatment any time soon, I was hoping for a miraculous conception somewhere along the line…I didn’t need to tell Dr V that, he totally gets this. He said it’s completely up to us, the only reason he would like me on the pill is because (another thing I didn’t know) polyp’s are likely to come back within 90% of patients (which I have proven does happen with me) and he would like to keep my ute pollyp and growth free until further treatment. He did however say that he understands that I would be denying myself that chance of conceiving naturally but that it was probably in my best interest to be on the pill. Frank and I haven’t spoken about this this, firstly because I’m not even half was thru my cycle and secondly, neither of us really feels like discussing the future in terms of fertility. We will need to but it can wait a while longer, we see Dr V on Friday for our follow up anyway, we’ll throw some idea’s around there as well as get an idea of what kind of treatment we will be doing if we decide to go that route again, I’m not messing around anymore people, should we do another treatment I want it to be aggressive.

We had our monthly book club, the meeting of the legendry secrets of the devine sisterhood and divine it was, these chicks really rock, if I’ve gained one thing thru this journey, it’s life-long friendships that I will always cherish. Thank you every single on of you, you are all very special! Here’s a pic of me on Friday night with little Jaz, she is just the sweetest!!

In other news – today a year ago was one of the hardest days I’ve had along this journey. Today a year ago, we had to choose between 3 blasts, 3 babies (in my mind). My heart still aches as I think back to that day, as I think of how my heart was broken because we had made the descision to only put two back. I will always remember that feeling, I felt like I was abandoning my baby – even worse than that because I wasn’t even giving it a chance, I cried so on that transfer table while Dr G held my face in his hands telling me to believe. Today could have been so different, today instead of going out shopping for shoes I didn’t really need but wanted because somehow shopping fills an empty void for me, I could have been cuddled up at home with two babies, two 3 month old babies. It doesn’t matter to me that it wasn’t meant to be and it never will, I will always remember them and when I think of them I will always wonder how different it could have been. And so today I shed a tear for all of you, all seven of my little ones that never made it but will always have a special place in my heart….

 

 But, my life is still full of love and these little monsters make me smile everyday!!

 

How do you know?

How do you know when enough is enough? How do you decide that it’s finally time to throw in the towel and make peace with living a child free life?

I think it’s different for all of us, I think that only we will know when we’ve had enough and when we are truly ready to call it quits. It’s something I think about more and more nowdays and to be honest it does scare me because I never thought I’d see the day.

Not so long ago I went back to the beginning of this blog, to the days where I believed our very first IUI would work, to the days where I was so amazed at how many people there were at my fertility clinic because I couldn’t believe so many people had the same problem. I read back to the time we did our first IVF, the ups and downs on that and how I was so devastated when it failed but I bounced back so quickly, before I knew it I was hopefull again and believing that our FET would work.

I think that’s when it all started changing for me. My last IVF was so different to the first, mostly because we were so different. Last year this time was so very hard, things went all pear shaped with my family and they haven’t quite recovered, we were getting ready for an IVF when we discovered that Frank had a FSH problem that was affecting his sperm and so we had to wait 6 weeks, then we got Abi – started IVF and had her land up at the vet for 5 days on a drip, all this between stimms and retrieval. It was awful.

I find myself looking back, a year ago I was on the last of my stimms, in 4 days time I had my retrieval and it was really only then that I started to hope and believe that things could be different. I did that IVF with my eyes closed and my mind on other things because I was scared, because I knew then more than ever that we might get hurt again, it had happened before I just couldn’t believe like I used to.

You know the story, we had 100% fertlisation and I was over the moon, I got OHSS but I was okay with that because Abi came home and my embies were doing well. By day 3 we still had 13 out 15 going strong. On day 5 everything fell apart, we were left with 3 blasts and I fell apart, we were told that they were excellent, that they were sure we’d have a triplet pregnancy should be put all 3 back, with a heavy heart I decided to only put 2 back and it hurt more than anything I’d ever done, I felt like I was abandoning a blast that could one day be my baby, I felt so lost. I cried so when they put the two back, I was so sad in a time that I should have felt happy. I couldn’t hope anymore, I didn’t have it in me and for that I felt guilty because I should be hopefull for my little ones that had been but back into my waiting womb.

When that cycle ended a mere 8 days later I was numb and it only got worse from there. Frank and I were at eachother and all I wanted to do was another IVF, I just wanted to move on. I am thankful for my husband and ciprolex for helping me thru this because without those two life-lines I would have lost my mind. This last year of our journey has been the toughest by far, one would think that taking a break is easier than doing one fertility treatment after another but it’s not. What it does is force you to face your demons head on, there’s no more living in denial because you’re too busy moving forward to think about anything else. It’s in your face and there’s nothing left to do but deal with it.

I want to do another IVF, with all my heart but I’m too scared because I don’t think I can become more skeptical if I tried. How do you do something when you don’t believe in it anymore? I know that this time there’ll be IVIg or intralipids (depending on what the dreaded chromosome & HLA results say) but that hasn’t worked for some people either and then what?

So with all this tumbling around in my brain I have to wonder if it’s time to stop. Frank and I are so much better that I find myself wondering if life could be good forever without the thought of looming treatments. I wake up and hear our neighbours baby screaming her little lungs out and wonder if I’m still up for that. I look at children around me and have to be honest and say that other peoples children annoy me because my life is peaceful.

We are a family in my mind, we have Abi & Murphy and life is good…

I don’t know, in the back of my mind I do still believe that I’ll be a mom one day….I believe that it could happen on it’s own too but I often wonder how much more I’m willing to do to make it happen. Next week will be my 5th op, I’m 31 a week after that (I know I have time BUT this wasn’t the plan – telling me I have time is cold comfort). If I throw in the towel and go on the pill there will be no more of this but am I ready to do that? I wish I knew but what I do know is that this has been our lives for 5 long years now and we’re tired, we need a change on scenery and we have to draw the line somewhere.

I’m at the point where I’m willing to do another IVF sometime next year if our miracle doesn’t happen once I have a shiney & new uterus but then I know that should that one fail I’ll want to stop and as much I want to stop, I also don’t….oh the joys of an infertile’s mind.

While you’re at it, go by and have a look at this excellent post by Shaz, Bitchy Barbie…I think I’m there too!!