Why?

26 Aug 2011 13 Comments

by peanuttam in Uncategorized

You know, right thru my journey to have the precious baby I’ve asked why, asked for reasons for my pain and my tears, I never got an answer, I never ever understood why. As I sit here feeling my baby move, I love her beyond belief and am very happy to have her growing inside me but still I will never understand why our journey was what it was.

I’m beginning to make peace with it all, maybe there really is a meaning to all this, a reason. Maybe it’s all about timing, this baby girl was only meant to be growing in my tummy now, but maybe there is no reason, no really good time. Maybe it just is what it is and who are we to ask why?

Pregnancy has changed me in ways I can’t explain, in ways I never knew possible. Our journey to this little soul seems surreal now as the weeks and moths fly by. I’m in awe at how my body just know’s what to do now, for so long I hated my body, for so long I cursed it for not doing that it was meant to do. I’m loving this pregnancy, every minute of it, every single thing. I’m loving gettting to know my baby, what makes her move (like loud music and ice-cream), I’m loving the privacy that her and I share right now in her every move. I still have days that this feels surreal and I can’t believe that I’m going to be a mother to a little girl and when I have those moments, I put my hand on my belly and send love to my baby and remind myself to enjoy her growing before it’s over.

I was getting good at being pregnant and happy.

Yesterday my phone rang, I saw it was my gynea’s rooms and I remembered that I had forgotten to check on my bloods. When I heard my gynea’s voice my heart droppped into my stomach, I just knew something wasn’t right.

I could feel my eyes start to burn already, Frank as if sent by an Angel walked into my office, saw my face and closed the door. Our tests for Spina Bifida have come back positive. I’m so confused, I don’t know what this means. Ask me about making babies, I know nothing about how this all is supposed to work.

She tells me not to panic but I need to see a specialist. Sweet pea has a 1 in 219 chance of having Spina Bifida/Neural Tube defect and she tells me that these odds are still good because it’s not like a 1 in 5 chance. I can’t concentrate and I keep repeating myself and saying, this is for Spina Bifida right? I didn’t even know that they had specialists to check this??

She tells me that you see the same guys that you see to do Downs screening if your tests have come back positive. She goes on to tell me that this may very well be a false positive result since a twin pregnancy (which this started off as) and any bleeding you have in the first trimester (which we had too) can affect this result but we need to get it double checked, my markers are my scan were all negative.

By now I’m crying, I explain it all to Frank and all he does it look at me. I phone Dr Nicolau’s office, he’s away and the earliest he can see me is the end of October. That’s too late.

I phone my gynea’s rooms, she’s in an appointment so I leave a message. An hour later I phone again. Frick man. She phones me back and tells me that she’s gonna try Pretoria East. The soonest they can see me is on the 13th September, which is in 3 weeks time and I’ll be 20 weeks already. I cry some more and as I feel her move I tell her that I love her and that she’s going to be just fine but my mind goes to the darkest of places.

I never slept a wink last night, I lay there with tears streaming down my face, my hand on my tummy praying that my little girl was fine until I eventually feel asleep and dreamt awful things. This morning I phoned the specialist to see if I couldn’t be put on a cancellation list, they tell me that this scan can’t be done earlier because it could be inconclusive. It needs to be done closer to 20 weeks and should they be concerned, it’s still early enough to do an amnio.

Frank is being such darling, telling me that he’ll take those odds cos they not that bad and that it’s probably a false positive and our baby girl is just fine. I’m trying so hard to believe, I love this little soul so much already and my heart breaks that we’re even dealing with this. I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m cursing the universe and asking why? Why do we have to have our joy stolen from us once again?

It’s been whirlwind and I’ve had to do some real soul searching on this. Things seem better in the light of day, i’m lucky to have friends and family to tell me that it’s going to be okay. I’m not going to let this take away my joy, steal 3 weeks of my pregnancy from me. This little girl will be loved no matter what. I’m telling her (and myself) that she’s healthy and beautiful and that we love her more than anything in this world. She has been so active (probably the stress) but I choose to think it’s her letting me know she’s fine.

I’m choosing to believe in her because she is my heart. Please believe with me and keep her in your prayers.

Much love to all of you Xxx

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