Does this ever feel real?

25 Oct 2011 11 Comments

by peanuttam in Uncategorized

I know I keep saying this. I never thought that I would feel this way. I always thought that when I eventually fell pregnant that it would “feel” different to this. Truth be told, I don’t know if we ever really know what it will be like to be pregnant, we have this picture in our heads, make our own assumptions from the way people look or the things they tell us about pregnancy.

My body and my baby are doing exactly what they should, my breasts are bigger and so much heavier, they have started getting colostrum, my belly is growing rounder and harder by the week, it too is full of dark blue veins. I have what they call Linea Nigra, a perfectly straigt line going up my belly. My baby girl moves so much and as she kicks, my stomach moves too. She’s growing and I can feel it.

BUT…

My mind, oh my mind. It’s the one thing that hasn’t caught up with all this, for some reason I keep waiting for it to end, to wake up and for it to be all gone. It truly feels like I’m living someone else’s life. I can’t explain it to anyone, no-one seems to understand, they think i’m being negative I think, they can not understand why I can’t just accept it, why I’m letting myself think this way. I keep dreaming that I give birth to her, this perfect little baby girl but I never end up keeping her. I always end up without her, she either gets taken from me or I give her to someone to hold and I forget who. Man alive, it’s warped and my husband think’s I’ve completely lost it.

I have days where it feels very very real, like when Frank and I went to buy her pram and camp cot. It was amazing, so very real. I loved watching him in baby city, like a child in a candy store, wanting to buy her everything.

This is the sad thruth of that happens to “infertiles”, we start living child free, start trying to make a life without children and while we never really give up on that dream, part of us believes (and I truly did) that we will never carry a child or become a mother. I know that my mind is damaged when it comes to this and I’m not sure where to start to fix it. This little girl has healed me in so many ways, ways I will never be able to explain. Right now, all I’m trying to do is take it one day a time, believe in her and love her. I’m hoping that when she’s here, the final act of healing will take place.

We have completed most of her room, there are a few things that still need to be done. I need to finish painting some plates that need to go on the wall and then I need to decide on what to do on the other wall above her compactum. I’ve ordered her linen (see below) and the rest will come with baby showers etc but the big things are done! Even standing in her doorway, looking at that space that in 13 short weeks will be filled by my precious girl, I still can’t believe that I’m going to be her mommy.

Here’s are some pics so long:

Compactum with little bear faces

The words mean so much, the Teddy in her cot is her first gift from her Daddy! Her name will go on the wall above her cot too

Scruffy bear linen that I’ve ordered

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