I am having one of those days…I’m tired. Tired of cleaning, tired of ironing, tired of not being home to do everything and tired of infertility!
I AM TIRED!
Most of the time I am fine, I read lots of blogs and I feel good, I see how many of our friends sailing through IF blogland are getting those BFP’s and I am so happy for them and I do know that I too will be there one day. One day…soon.
I feel like I’m in limbo here, and truly I am…I’m not going in any sort of direction now and I feel a bit lost. Taking a break can be harder than trying….
I used to go onto a IF board and made some lovely friends and IF companions but then we had to start paying monthly to use the board so most of us moved over to another board that we had found. To start off with everything was peachy and I never realized that I was the only one with real infertility…you all know the kind….the one where you wont fall pregnant – given any amount of time…until a little while ago…
I invited my little friend Bumble to join us and it was nice, we had a nice little group and we thought that we were in the same fish bowl, they were falling pregnant and we had no worries at all, one had a problem with miscarriages and the other just took some time to fall pregnant. We went on regardless, started talking about IUI’s and IVF, thought it was strange that we had to explain everything but then maybe I just knew too much in anticipation for my intended travels down these roads….
And then it happened….one of the ladies whose baby was just 6 months old was talking about birth control and what to do next…when all of sudden she posted saying….there’s something I’ve forgotten to tell you guys…at the bottom of the page there was a ticker that said…Oops, I did it again….5wks pregnant….that was it and that was me, I was finished with all this. Bumble and I were like…WTF?? It just felt like such a slap in the face! I mean hello, you are dealing with real infertiles here…oops I did it again, give me a friggin’ break! Am I being too sensitive here, should I look at this differently?
This was also just after my failed insemination and I was feeling a bit fragile and thinking about taking a break and going for councelling and then this…So, I told them that I needed to just take a break….from everything and I haven’t been back since. It’s just that it’s a different feeling all together when a fellow IF finally get’s it right, we understand how they feel, they understand us…we don’t have to pretend to understand, we do….most times more than we want to….we feel their pain. I just got tired of being the only one (with Bumble of-course) that was left in this fish bowl, looking out and wondering what it would be like to be out there with all the rest.
I hate this, I hate being such a bitch, I used to be the girl who was happy for everyone that was pregnant, IF or not. This is the part of IF that I don’t like, this is the change that I battle with. I AM happy for everyone, I just want people to understand why I feel this way, it’s not because I like being bitchy, I am sensitive to these things now, I get sad seeing all these preggo bellies and baby showers and birth announcements…I feel like I constantly have to explain myself….I just want people to understand that this is not me, this is not who I used to be and most of the time not who I want to be.
I want to go back there but I can’t…I almost feel betrayed…can you believe it…I do believe that I am starting to loose my mind!!!
On a lighter note, Greg is doing much much better and will hopefully be coming home soon’ish. We looking after the kids again tonight which is fun, little Ryan is just the cutest little thing you have ever seen…I think I’ll have a cuddle with him tonight….
Sorry guys, I’m not always so grumpy….