I was watching the TV programme ER last night and it was weird, one of those shows that just speaks volumes to my present state of mind…..lots of baby stuff etc and I have to laugh at how cynical I have become…there was one part – a teenage girl fell pregnant due to rape at a party, she was 15 and of-course didn’t want to keep it but her parents said that she had to because it didn’t matter how it was conceived as it was god’s will!! Don’t get me wrong here, but my ass!! I somehow battle to believe that these days, especially when people tell me that and of-course my favourite…everything happens for a reason, you want to tell me that there is a reason for all this pain? Then there was a lady lying on a stretcher and her gynea was saying that she was going to remove her one ovary but that she would still be able to have children one day – I’m sitting there thinking…yeah right, that all depends on whether the one they leave in works okay and is not broken like mine…and then one of the Dr’s fell pregnant by accident and couldn’t decide what to do – whether to abort or not…in the end she kept it….I sat there thinking how strange life is and wondering what the hell is going on out there, why are we given these decisions to make?

It made me think of way back when, you know when we first started trying, the days I used to sit and day dream about how I would tell Frank that I was pregnant, how I’d tell my family and friends and how exciting it would be to go out shopping and buy maternity clothes and do the babies room, what it would look like…would it have my nose and Frank’s eyes….and what we would call it ~ and I realize just how much IF has changed me, I am a bit bitter I suppose. I like to think that deep down inside I do believe, that not that much has changed and my former self is still there, the ever hopefull…just waiting to come back out again once my baby is here. I get scared that that part of me is lost forever, the part of me that would have watched a programme like that and not have thought twice about any of it, it would have touched my heart but it would not make me sad…

Like Bumble, after doing this so long, I think that I am indeed scared of actually reaching the end of this road, I have often said to Frank that I feel that IF is all that keeps me going sometimes, my purpose in life and that is sad and really not true, I have a lot to be thankfull for, the stuff I take for granted. There is more to me than infertility.

Everytime I do another treatment cycle I go through the motions, at first i’m ever hopefull that it’s going to work, then I’m sure and not so sure at the same time and in the end you’ll always find me saying that this just couldn’t be it – it would just be too easy…ha!! It’s my dear mother in law that always reminds me that it wouldn’t be too easy and that this road that we have traveled so far has been anything but easy…it’s been damn hard and we deserve to get it right. It’s then that I realize that my former self is still in there somewhere, the person that would fight until the end and always, always believe that I would succeed and it would have been worth it….I’m still in there girls even if I am a bit jaded 🙂

CD 28 and AF is still MIA, she’s playing games with me but it’s okay for now…if I didn’t know that there was no chance of conception this month then I’d be singing a very different tune right now….so for now, we wait and try and find our fomer selves…

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