I should be feeling hopefull, I am on CD4 ~ two days into my Femara and 4 days away from my first scan….but I am anything but hopefull. I’m normally really feeling on top of my game at this time of the month, really ready to get going and this time I’m not. I’m really really scared of doing this next cycle, how I will feel if it fails yet again and I know that you are probably rolling your eyes thinking “geesh women, you not even there yet, just give it a chance”…well, yes but I don’t have faith in this anymore. I find myself wondering why I am even bothering doing another IUI because I don’t believe that it’s going to work, how can I do something that I have no faith in?? Will somebody just tell me how to believe again??

I blame hormones for now, I feel very different this time round, I am totally moody, have had a headache for the past two day, AF ~ who should have packed her bags and pissed off by now is still hanging around and is still as bright red as can be which is strange, my boobs feel like udders – huge and painfull, I have backache and this funny shooting pain from deep inside my “woo woo” into my uterus….mmmmn, I blame the hormones!! Not sure if this has anything to do with that damn cyst but that is also the hormones fault.

I was telling Mands just the other day that I have no side effects from Femara whatsoever, I love the stuff because it doesn’t turn me into a tearfull, raging, unreasonable bitch….and here I have to eat my words…sorry Mands, I wasn’t lying 🙂

And then….I do what we in blogland do, I go and read my usual blogs to see what’s happening with my bloggie friends and guess what ~ it turns out that LJ has just gotten her BFP ~ and guess what (yes, again), it was through IUI…I can feel hope creeping back in….yay yay and yay again! And then I go over to Anns who has gotten a positive HPT after having a negative HPT at her dr’s office just 3 days ago, she is worried that the meds he put her on for her bronchitis will affect her pregnancy…please girls, pray for her….Sarah has seen her little beanie’s heartbeat and things are looking hopefull (from my point of view) there, Bumble has a whole troop growing in her belly and we are praying that this IVF works for her…Sticky bun has just had her IUI and is now in the 2ww, we pray for her too…Reproductive Jeans is also in her 2ww after her 1st IUI and we are hoping that she doesn’t need a second one…BB has just 2 days to go until her 2ww is over and isn’t feeling hopefull due to lack of symptoms but as LJ and Anns can tell you…they had no symptoms at all!! Mands is taking a break and heading down the IVF route within the next few months, we pray that she has that miracle baby but if not that IVF is successful the first time round!! I have a look around at all my little friends in blogland I know that I am not alone in this black hole, I know that they will all just in with me to help me as BB says in her “everybody hurts” post….I love all you guys and asking you to just bear with me until I let hope back in again….

I blame those damn hormones!!!