I’m feeling a little better today, still sad but better.
I cried so much yesterday, I couldn’t talk to anyone and I’ve never felt so alone in my life before – Frank is always here with me when I get the phone call, this is the first time he hasn’t been here and it was terrible. I felt so much better when he came home, I just lay in his arms and cried. He makes me feel so much calmer and just makes everything in life that little bit more bearable. Of-course it makes it hard aswell because I hate to see him hurt because of this, I feel like i’m to blame, I feel like all I’m doing is causing him pain and I just want it to stop. I say I’m sorry for not being able to do this and he gets upset with me, we are in this together he tells me, very sweet of him but I still feel so faulty.
Thank you all so much for your sweet messages, I love you all and it makes my heart ache knowing how many of you are in this damn boat with me, I wish it weren’t so but I feel so blessed to have you all.
Now is a very difficult time for us, trying to deal with the pain of a another failed cycle and trying to decide when to start IVF. I’m not feeling that strong and that positive right now and people are saying that maybe I need a break, just to clear my head and feel better before I start IVF, but I’m scared to take another break, breaks can be harder than cycling for me…
And so….The plan (may change without prior notice) then is to go for bloods on CD2 & CD3 and to start the pill on CD4 – the nurse says that it will be about 2 weeks until I start Lucrin. I am not sure yet what all this does and what the next steps will be but we will make an appointment with one of the nurses to discuss the drugs, protocol and costs within the next week or so. It does feel a bit strange to be starting so soon and not really knowing what the POA is but that’s not normally how they do it. I think that it’s just because I’m in such a rush to start this, normally we would meet with the Dr or Nurse before starting the pill but there isn’t much time seeing that AF should be here by Friday, Saturday the latest. I feel good’ish about this so far, of-course there is the money issue which hasn’t yet been sorted but we’ll get there….maybe we’ll end up taking a month off….I’ll keep you updated.
On another note, I have had so much love and support from all my friends and Frank’s family (and you guys) but I can’t help feeling the same way Bumble is feeling. As of today…1 day after my Beta…I have still not received even an SMS from my family asking whether there will be an addition to the family or just pherhaps….just maybe….am I okay? Stuff them anyway! I am so sick of people not understanding, especially my family – isn’t it funny how the ones we expect to understand, never do. Oh well, lesson no 114578751 learnt when it comes to my family *sigh*