I can’t really begin to explain the way I feel about things lately, I’ve been okay really, just really quiet and wanting to be alone with my thoughts and even my thoughts don’t really know why. It’s not like I really have much to think about, I’ve made all the decisions I need to make for now and so, life should just go on as normal….and it is, which feels strange. It’s quite amazing how we expect IVF to be a whole lot different (well I did anyway). Granted I’m not in the “throws” of IVF yet, this is the easy part I suppose, nothing to control for a change…aha…now there’s my problem *sigh*

I’m really feeling pretty normal, BCP doesn’t really have an effect on me at all, in fact…when I went off BCP the only difference was that I started gaining weight and haven’t been able to lose it all…..I’ve started Weigh less now so am starting to loose weight slowly….(excuse me while my mind wonders to all the corners of my brain)

I am however feeling very tearfull*, I’m really not sure why, don’t know if it’s the hormones from BCP or if it’s the fact that I’m just really sad about a lot of stuff ~ having to do IVF at all, the failure of my last IUI and the fact that so many people feel sorry for me and don’t stop telling me that. I’ve had it damn it, I wish they would just all leave me alone and go on with their lives, everyone keeps asking me how I am, I AM FINE, NOW FUCK OFF!!! Frank says that I am being way too sensitive and that people just care, now I have an answer to that too ~ I have loads of patience with people that care about me, the ones that REALLY CARE (fellow infertiles etc.) and to those I will bear my soul, I will tell them that I’m not so sure as I sound, that yes, this is so fucking difficult and unfair but that I will be okay ~ and then there’s the rest, the rest of them that have heard through the grapevine that “oh dear, poor Tam and Frank – you know, they need help having a baby” and the others that love to gossip and run off and tell everyone and the ones that just love sticking there nose in your business because “you know, I knew someone once…yada fucking yada”

* I sound angry, I sound bitter – Am I? Oh fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck and fuck again.

No really, I will be fine, I know deep down that we are making the right choice, of-course we are and really, what is the point in waiting when I know that’s the road we gonna take and we sure as hell weren’t trying IUI again (even tho there is proof that they work – hey Bumble). It’s just that I thought that I had made peace with having to do IVF and a small part of me has, I’m just so pissed that we have to do it at all…for a change I just want to be like the rest of the people in the world – you all know them well – the ignorant ones that fall pregnant with just one look from their husbands!!! Fucking woo hoo bitch!

I am on CD8 today, so only really only 5 days into BCP which means I really still have a while to go until the real stuff happens, like before…I am sure that by that time I will be better and I will be ready and I will be hopefull. Apparently I start Lu.crin on the 16th May, by then I will be CD20 of my cycle and with only 3 days to go on BCP, not sure yet how long I stay on Lu.crin for and when AF actually comes but that we find out on Tuesday afternoon, along with the rest – estimated dates, other drugs and bloods and most importantly how much this is all gonna cost.

I start reflexology on Saturday and will be going weekly until retrieval, I’m pretty much keeping everything else the same (taking EPO, Zinc, Calcium & Magnesium & folic acid)– maybe I’ll cut down of coffee a little (I only have about 2-3 cups a day anyway – is that too much)…and I’ll start doing yoga at home again…any other ideas?

I’m sorry I’m feeling so sorry for myself, someone just tell me to get it together, woo fucking hoo, so what I’m doing IVF – loads before me have had to and they have survived it. Fuckin get a life peanut…I promise my next post will be better – I’ll be better and I wont swear so much 🙂