It’s 12dp3pt or 15 days past retrieval today and we have 2 more sleeps to go now. I am finding myself thinking about it all the time, non stop! I’m not sleeping well at night, when I do sleep then I don’t stop dreaming about weird things and I am restless, slowly but surely this 2ww is starting to make me lose my mind (altho I have been told that you can’t lose something you never had! ha – how rude!)

AF would officially be due today if this was any other cycle and so far there are no signs of her, I know that’s she MIA partly because of the hormones making her stay away (although I do hope that it’s because I’m pregnant too) but I did expect to get the odd pre-af cramp etc. and so far there’s nothing….I’m hoping she’s gone on a nice long vacation! I have also never been on prog.esterone for so long, normally I would have had my beta yesterday (on an IUI cycle) so would have stopped it already, AF usually come two days after stopping the meds so that would make 16dpo and I will only go for my beta on 17dpo this time round, can progestrone keep her away so long?

I do have the odd symptoms that are still making me think that I am pregnant, my boobs are still a bit bigger ~ the shooting pains that I was getting are gone now but have left them feeling tender, not sore but tender. You know, if I touch them they hurt. They are however more sore closer to my armpit, but my glands there do feel a bit swollen so maybe it’s just that. Still no sore nips which I am happy about and that too is different. I am still as constipated as all hell but also know that this is thanks to the prog.esterone, everything else is sorta the same and the only other things I can add to my list is headaches, I don’t normally get a lot of headaches, but have been getting them almost daily now. The next thing is Nausea, I am fine all morning, it hits me once I’ve had lunch, so for a while I just drink water and nothing else and eventually it just goes away. I don’t have a particularly sensitive stomach either so the nausea is very different for me, I’m wondering if it’s some kind of bug, surely it’s too early for morning sickness?

I keep on wondering about all these things and even I am getting irritated with me because the hormones I am putting into my body could be causing all these “symptoms”. What happens if I’m imagining all of this and the “feeling” is just one of self-preservation? What happens if I am indeed not pregnant? Oh Fuck, that’s what.

Frank of-course thinks I am hillarious, he just smiles or laughs at me, telling me that everything will be okay. Oh and have I told you all how much I love my husband? The other night, when I was doing that “what if” thing again, he told me to stop worrying and that if I am not pregnant this time then we’ll do an FET straight away and that I just need to look after myself. Now, let me tell you that I have thought about this cycle failing but I haven’t, however, thought about doing and FET straight away, I just pressumed we’d wait because firstly ~ I don’t know how ready I will be, secondly ~ I think they make you wait from a hormonal point of view and thirdly ~ it’s another 10 grand and we’ve already spent 6 grand more than we were bargaining on because of the ICSI and freezing. Anyway, I love him for thinking so far ahead and telling me that it will all be okay. I know it will, it may just take some time.

That’s all the news I have really, I’m not that busy at work at the moment which really doesn’t help at all. I’m sick of Dr. Google and he’s sick of me, besides he’s not telling me what I really want to know. Of-course I do know that I could just POAS and then I would know, but I do keep my promises, even tho it’s not easy and besides that, i’m scared shitless of seeing only one line. I swore I’d never POAS again unless I knew there were going to be two lines, hopefully I’ll get to see them real soon!