Thank you all for all your comments and virtual hugs, you guys are just awesome. Frank and I had a good’ish weekend, it was hard but good to get away. It gave us time to talk about everything and just let everything come out, we went for a nice long walk on Saturday and sat in the sun for hours talking and crying. Saturday was hard, I had terrible period pain and was bleeding quite a lot, it just felt like it was the final twist of the knife.

Nothing is set in stone as yet but I think that we have decided to move on with the FET after this cycle, we’ll need to speak to the Dr and figure out what kind of cycle they’ll do (i.e. natural or medicated) and go from there. Our plan is to have the ET and go away for two weeks afterwards, I think it’ll be better for me to be away from everything and everyone and just relax. Of-course we’ll need to see if we can get away from work etc.

I am on CD5 today so have worked out that if I have a 28 day cycle then I should have my transfer just before or on my birthday which should be about 2 to 3 days after O. I do think that maybe the timing isn’t great but we’ll see. Maybe by then we will both have renewed hope.

Frank has been wonderful and very understanding, he is very sick and has been back to the Dr since our return and they have finally figured out that he has a viral infection, shame…poor man, he is in a lot of pain. They say that he just needs to rest and that he should be fine in about a week or so. The fun just never stops!!

I am still feeling very confused and angry but I do feel better than I was feeling, it comes and goes. Sometimes there is this overwhelming sadness and sense of loss, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you can feel so much sadness for something that you never really had, love something that you have never known. I have decided that it’s sadness for something that could have been. My little two, I was so sure that they were strong, that they had made it, I could imagine looking into their eyes and loving them so deeply. It’s a rather humbling experience, being so wrong about something you were so sure about. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last and somehow we just never learn.

I have been visiting Dr. Google again, I know that we have an appointment on Friday to discuss why this IVF failed, but I just need to know more. They do say that most times it’s because there was a problem with embryo’s, even tho they looked perfect it doesn’t mean that they could become a baby. There are various issues, not implanting (lining problems) and anti-body type issues, there are just so many reasons and I am not really sure what I am looking for, some answer to say that everything will be okay and that maybe next time round things will be better or even the next. I am looking for hope I suppose. I think that I should just wait and see what they say.

I need to make a list of questions that I need to ask, right now there are so many things swimming around in my head that I can’t really make sense of anything. If you guys have any suggestions of what to ask, they will be most welcome.

I find myself avoiding human contact, I don’t take phone calls unless I have to and I’m pretty much keeping to myself, I need to do this for my sanity. All I need right now is Frank and an understanding ear from you special people. I just don’t have the patience for everyone’s questions and comments when I have so many myself. I am sure that this is very normal and that I will feel better soon, we infertiles are quite resilient and I know that this too shall pass and become part of our journey.

I have been bad, I’ve started drinking coffee again and I’ve eaten enough chocolate to sink a battleship, I need to get back on track again and be good to my body, I will…just not this week.

I have been in contact with Bumble, she wanted to me to let you all know that everything is moving along nicely. She is 9 weeks today and is still a bit worried about things going smoothly, she is yet to find a gynea which she will do this week. They have moved into their new house and so she doesn’t have internet or mail but will be back on line once that is all sorted.