I’ve had one of those weekends, I’ve been fine really and feeling much better…and all of a sudden it happens again, I end up in a puddle of tears.
My sister came to stay by us on Friday night and on Saturday we coloured her hair and went shopping, the things we girls like to do. I was feeling fine but I could feel that dark cloud coming, I’ve been worried about a few things…I’m getting headaches daily, most mornings I wake up with them so that has been worrying me, I’m putting it all down to hormones and my body trying to re-adjust, I also have no idea what’s happening with my body, I am normally so in tune with it, I know exactly which day I ovulate on etc, this month I have felt nothing and I am already on CD17…very strange for me, of-course they did tell me this might happen but I am normally like clockwork. It’s okay of-course because we aren’t doing the DIY thing, we taking a real break for a change but I just like to know what’s going on and right now I am clueless…but I digress….
So on Saturday night I got home from shopping and a friend of Frank’s was there, he’s a very close friend and I love him dearly but sometimes he just DOES.NOT.GET.IT, we were chatting about things and out of the blue he says, “and so, what’s happening with you?” and I say, “What do you mean?” to which he replies, “are you pregnant yet” and I say “no, we still trying, it’s been hard”….and at this point I know, I know what I am getting myself into, we’ve been down this road before and it never ends well. I should stop here, but I don’t….we carry on chatting about it and he says that he knows that it must be hard but this is a choice we’ve made, we have made the choice to go for treatments and not to stop and just accept it, so we could stop it all right now, it’s a choice.
The conversation carried on a bit and I didn’t really get too upset, my answer was, well what choice to we have really, it’s this or not having children but I do get what he is trying to say, at the end of the day it all comes down to that.
I hardly slept on Saturday night, thinking about the choices we have made and whether it was time to stop and the truth is that I can’t stop yet, as hard as this is, it’s harder to think of our lives without a child and I do feel like we’re getting closer but at the same time I feel so lost. I think about whether I am being fair about this, how much heartache this has caused to not only me but my family aswell and I just want it to stop, I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to have to make these choices and the more I think about it, the more upset I get because this wasn’t a choice I ever wanted to make, this is so unfair, I was never even given a choice in the matter, i didn’t ask for infertility!
I cried most of yesterday, it was hard because we had to go to lunch with Frank’s family for his mom’s birthday, I love his family to bits and his mom really get’s me, she understands me so well and I can tell her anything, she is very very close to my heart and it does help to just cry and be held and told that it’s okay. She’s very worried about me and thinks that maybe I need to talk to someone, I have been for councelling for this before and it really doesn’t help me to have someone tell me that what I am feeling is normal, I know that this is all very normal, you cannot go through infertility and not be changed, there are so many ways that it affects you and each of us deal with it differently, it all takes time, we all get better eventually but I can understand how infertility can cause depression, there is a very fine line there.
I am okay, just really sad still, most of the time I am fine tho, I do still think about it a lot, I’m getting anxious, in a way I want to just wait, wait until I feel better and more sure but the other part of me just wants to move on, taking a break isn’t always easy, even when you need to. I don’t have a choice and maybe that’s a blessing in disguise, we have to wait, it forces me to deal with all these emotions before moving on and just burying them as I have done before.
I’m not going to lie, it’s hard seeing all these BFP’s going around in blogland, and like JJ, I wonder if there’ll be enough for me. I don’t need to explain this feeling to any of you, you have all be there and know the feeling well, I am so happy for all of you and wish you all the very best and at the same time I am sad for me. I know that our turn will come, I am just not sure how much more it will take to get there and everyday I pray that the choice to stop trying will never be one I have to make.