Well, as you clever little bloggers all guessed it…AF made her appearance yesterday, right on schedule. I’m okay, really…I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t a bit disappointed although I really expected AF to come, I was disappointed….I felt like crying but I didn’t and I was just feeling sorry for myself in general. I also think that when AF finally hits us, we are feeling rather hormonal anyway, so I’m just gonna blame the hormones for now.

Frank was a sweetie and took me out to Milky lane for a Whispers Waffle and Ice cream and while we were sitting there we spoke about the FET and things that have gotten away from us, it’s funny how life takes a back seat when IF is in the house! It’s taking us some time to get back on our feet financially, two and a half years of IF will do that to your finances, we are doing fine but have a few things to sort out, the good news is that by the end of the year, we’ll have cleared everything and hopefully have money left over for another fresh IVF cycle, which of-course we are hoping to not have to do but just in-case…

I try to explain to Frank and everybody that I am okay, I’m getting anxious and can’t wait to get on that rollercoaster again. We IF’s are a strange lot, as much as we hate the rollercoaster, we’re always rushing to get in line for it!! I can wait another two months or so to do the FET and this break has done both of us the world of good. I was broken after my IVF, emotionally and physically and I had no hope what-so-ever for my FET, I was convinced that it wouldn’t work anyway so I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to even go there. I feel different now, I have so much hope for my little embies, I’m feeling really good and I know that by the time I get there, I’m going to be so much better and really really ready!

But I am still angry, so I’m okay…but angry. The anger just never seems to go away, sometimes it just simmers under the surface and on other days it just wants to explode and bubble out for everyone to see…I still really don’t get any of this. It makes me angry that Frank and I even have to do this, that we have to try and work out when to do a FET because money comes in to it, it makes me angry that I see pregnant women everywhere and that I am jealous of them and that all I want is to be them, it makes me angry that I even have to feel this way….I’m angry at myself for not making peace with it, for even trying to understand “why” after all this time. I am angry for being angry…

The strange this is that none of this even seems real, I can’t get my mind around the fact that we have done IVF, that we have little embies out there waiting for us to make a decision, the fact that I would have already been 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now, the fact that I feel like I am wasting precious time….

I’m rambling, please forgive me but there is so much that I need to get out, the kind of stuff you don’t realise is there until your fingers hit the keyboard. When I type these words I realise that I am not ready, I think I am ready but my mind isn’t. I need to get rid of all this anger, I need to be free of it now, I need to accept that this is the way it is but that it’s not the end of the world, I will be okay, I wont be angry anymore one day, one day I will feel different about all of this, I will have my little one and like Bumble, I will finally be alive, finally complete.

Okay so this was meant to be a short one…I am happy about one thing…33 days is better than 39…maybe this one will be a normal 26 days!! See even my body is telling me to take some more time…

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