Just checking in to say that I am still here. A lot has changed since my last post, well not that much but it feels like a lot….

My mood has shifted, I’ve gone from being a little sad but optimistic about the future to a fumbling mess. I don’t know what’s come over me, I was okay….not the greatest I’ve ever been but okay. It started on Saturday, a friend of mine was in town and wanted to see us, I’ve been so distant with her but it’s my way of dealing with everything, I can’t talk to people that can’t relate right now and so I haven’t been returning her phone calls.

Anyway, we’ve been friends since high school, in our last year of college she moved away but we’ve always kept in contact and been close friends, I was her maid of honour at her wedding and she was one of my bridesmaids at mine, we are a lot a like the only thing different is that she fell pregnant after 3 months of marriage by accident and was devastated, she had so many plans to study etc and children were not in those plans. So she had her little girl and things turned out perfectly, they then decided that they wanted a little boy and so did the timed intercourse thing that is supposed to result in a boy pregnancy and voila, first month success and what do you know….she had a boy!

And so here I am, trying for almost 3 years to have one child where her kids are 5 and 2 and a half. She knows what we are going through but chooses not to get it, she doesn’t even try to understand it, she is one of those fertile people that tell you to relax and it will happen, just stop thinking about it and you’ll be pregnant before you know it. It frustrates me, so I choose not to tell her when I am cycling, but you see….she has this sixth sense thing going where she will phone me out of the blue on the day of a negative beta! So I don’t take her calls and it’s normally a couple of weeks before I feel strong enough to deal with her.

After the fact, I will explain that we had another failed cycle and that was the reason I was keeping to myself and she gets upset, tells me that she doesn’t care what I say, even if I just cry, she wants to talk to me and know what’s going on in my life. It’s just so hard and I always end up feeling bad. And so there is a point to this story, we went out with them for lunch on Saturday, it ended up in the usual way….”Tam, please phone me, I want to know what’s happening with you, even if you just phone me to cry” and I felt bad.

Saturday night, I never slept, woke up early Sunday to go out for breakfast with Frank’s folks, his sister and her three beautiful children. Afterwards we went shopping and every corner I turned, there were pregnant bellies or women pushing prams with new borns. Sunday night, I hardly slept again. Come Monday, I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself….I go and read some blogs and see that many of my cyclesista’s got BFP’s while I was dealing with my BFN and although I am happy for them, I am just so sad for me.

And so last night the tears started and as I sit here, I can feel them burning the back of my eyes…I know it will take something small to bring them rushing forward and then they just don’t stop. I am battling to find the words to tell you why I am so sad, I can’t understand why I am feeling so down when I was fine, why am I so scared when I should be looking forward to a bright future?

All our failures are just getting to me, I can’t believe that another IVF is on the cards, I never wanted to be a statistic, one of those women who went through endless treatments with nothing to show for them. Now I know that many of you have been through worse and I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself, at least there is still a future, lots that we can do to make our dream of becoming parents come true but this is just were I am at right now.

I know that this will pass, I know that we will get through this, like we always do but I am just so tired, so so tired of doing this and having to move on and feel better. I do know that our time will come and like many of you, IF will still be a factor but we will have beaten the odds and all I can do is pray that time comes soon…

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