Frank and I had one of our heart to hearts the other night, it’s been a while since we’ve spoken about what our next step in the process is, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I made the decision to do another IVF without him, we both knew that this new year would bring a fresh IVF but hadn’t really discussed when or how we feel about things, before my last post I asked him if Feb would be okay for me to start BCP and he said that if I was ready then he was fine with it.

So that was that then, I have my heart set on another IVF as from next month, towards the end of last year I wasn’t sure, I kept on finding an excuse to put it off another month, Jan was too soon, it’s Frank’s birthday in Feb and it’s also my sister’s 21st, then it’s our anniversary in March and so I didn’t want to be cycling then, but when I think about it now, they were nothing but feeble excuses to put off what scares me the most and that’s not me, I normally go into things head on and so I’ve decided that all I needed was some time to heal, I’ll say it again….we infertile are resilient!!

But I digress, we were lying in my most favourite place (our bed) and chatting, I asked him if he was ready and happy with starting in Feb, he told me that he was and that he thinks that we are close – so close now. I think so too, I have to believe that we are closer than we have ever been; I can feel that our dream of becoming parents is within our grasp now, it has to be.

With this IVF brings new fears, a 5 day wait instead of 3, a new protocol that scares me half to death, not because it’s less needles (yeah baby!) but because it’s different and last time I stimmed very well BUT I also need to remember that altho last time went perfectly with regards to my meds, ER and ET – it didn’t work, not even slightly and that this time will be different and we are hoping that that difference is all it takes.

We spoke about how hard last year was, how it’s changed us and our marriage, we spoke about how unfair it still seems and about how far we have come. It still feels very surreal, we have been trying to have a baby for as long as we have been married, gone to so many doctors and had so many different opinions, we’ve done 3 IUI’s and 2 IVF’s, I’ve had another 2 lapscopes and more hormones than I could ever imagine put into my body. We still think about how we thought that our child/ren would be made in the privacy of our bedroom, about how naive and simple minded we used to be.

And then Frank said something that I had never imagined, he thanked me for being so strong and for getting him through all this and it made me cry. I never imagined myself as strong, I used to be strong before I was faced with IF but the last thing I feel is strong, I feel weak and scared, I feel like my husband is the only thing that keeps me going. I feel like I’m about to lose it at the best of times and he tells me that I am amazing, that I have made him proud to be my husband because all I think about is how this affects him (because I know that I am the one who can’t stop). I asked him to tell me if he wanted to stop, that I didn’t want to destroy our marriage over this and he told me that even he couldn’t stop now, we’ve come through all of this and we are almost there, I feel better now and I love my husband more than ever, for being my knight in shining amour and for not knowing that I couldn’t do this without him, he is my strength.

Okay, so enough sloppy-ness, Frank boss’ wife is pregnant with twins after their first IVF at Vita.lab and I have hope. I start seeing an AC on the 26th of Jan, he says that he wants to see me a month before starting IVF (stimms) so I’m quite excited to try something different, my GP recommended him because he specialises in IF.

And so chickens, with that comes the end of my post. Here’s a pic of Frank and I on New Years Eve with my friends little munchkin who really took a liking to me even tho we haven’t seen the kids for over a year, very precious….

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