Sigh….that was soo nice, we had such a good break. I’m back and feeling so much better, calm, relaxed and re-energised!! So, I’m sure you thinking that it’s a good thing because now I have renewed strength to fight the fight, yes….but no.
The way I feel now, I’m tired of fighting the fight….it’s not that I’m burnt out or in a bad place, it happens to be that I am in a good place right now. For now, I have decided that I want to enjoy life again, for now….I want to be with my husband and love him the way he’s meant to be loved, for now….I feel complete and I don’t feel broken anymore. For now, I am at peace and I’m finding this a really good place to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I still want a baby very much and I am still following Dr. P’s treatment religiously and hoping for a nice surprise and for now, that is enough.
A strange calm has come over me, so much in fact that my husband is wondering where his wife went and is probably expecting her back any minute but I hope she stays away for a while because she is not who she used to be, (in)fertility has changed her in ways that she can’t explain, she needs me to be where I am right now, she is trying to discover her old self again….I hope she get’s it right!
Nothing major has changed, there wasn’t some miracle that made me see the error of my ways, Frank and I had such a great time away and something in me clicked, this little voice told me that it was okay to be happy, okay to feel complete, okay to just be the two of us for a little while longer.
My last cycle ended with af arriving the day we went on holiday, I was okay with that, a little annoyed at the fact the it had to be then but I wasn’t upset, doing treatment with Dr P has lessened the pressure quite a bit and to start off with, I was not sure that it would be the right treatment for me, not aggressive enough but as it turns out, it was the best thing for us. I started off saying that I’d see if I could do the whole three months but doubted it and today, I can tell you that I’m willing to do this for a lot longer than expected. The thought of another fresh IVF makes me cringe, I can’t imagine doing another one any time soon and it’s strange to think that I thought I was so ready for it. Of-course, I’ve just come back from holiday, I feel different at the moment and that may also change but I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt here and also won’t be hard on myself if I change my mind.
I’m doing a different diet now, one that is supposed to control can.dida. Apparently can.dida (in your gut) can cause acidity in your body but most importantly the closest thing to your gut which is your uterus. So for now, I’m following the after detox diet with the exception of fruit, fruit juices and any sugar what so ever. Sugar in any shape or form makes can.dida worse, so for 3 weeks that’s what I will be doing and then I’ll add certain fruits gradually. I’m on CD14 today so I had acupuncture on CD 10 & 12 and I’ll be in my 2ww soon.
Frank and I had a wonderful anniversary, it’s been 3 very good years, I love that man more and more as the years go by. It has also been three long years in terms of our struggles to conceive our first child, this year has a lot of three’s in it for us….we’ve been married for three years, Frank just turned 33, I am 30 this year and will we do a 3rd IVF? – only time will tell….hopefully all these three’s mean something good, what is it they say about 3rd time lucky?? I hope so.
Here’s some pics of Frank and I on our anniversary and of the view we had from our bedroom on holiday…..