I know i’m a bad little blogger, there isn’t really that much news on my side anymore, I find that there’s really not much to say these days, when you not cycling and by “cycling” I mean doing serious treatment like IVF then there’s really no fuss, you don’t symptom watch like you used to, you don’t blog about every twitch and altho I am actually doing something productive to try and fall pregnant, I feel like i’m not because of how down played it is but this might very well be the way I fall pregnant, but how come there isn’t a fuss?

It’s wierd, we seem to change the way we react to everything the further we walk down this road, it’s feels like we stop believing eventually and because everyone moves on except us, we feel different about fighting the fight. Sweet JJ’s post made the way I’ve been feeling lately very real, I feel left behind – there’s really no other way to put it. So many of you have moved on and I know that your lives are different now and I know it’s not intentional but I do know that only a few of you still check this blog – I’m not complaining, I remind my hubby all the time that people change, that life changes and that people move on. Some of you don’t want to think about fighting the fight anymore and quite truthfully, I don’t blame you, I can’t judge because I don’t know how it feels to be “on the otherside”.

I’m in a good enough place to deal with this now, I’m taking it one day at a time and like I’ve said before…i’m thinking of delaying my IVF, I have various reasons for doing this:

  1. I feel good about the treatment I’m doing, maybe it’s for selfish reasons, I’m enjoying having my body finally react in the way I want it to – a control thing maybe??
  2. Frank and I have really connected lately, we’re happy with just “us” for a change, you never really understand the affect IF has on you until you not doing major treatment anymore
  3. I’m scared of starting again, I know we’ll get through another IVF in one peace but I don’t think that my heart is ready to take another failed IVF, I know that’s not the right way to think about it because I should think that it could end in a BFP but i’m not there yet
  4. Don’t laugh, but starting BCP in May would mean that this IVF would be exactly the same time as my first one last year, out by a few days i’m sure and maybe this is non-sense but I don’t want to jinx it, I’m scared of the same result because it’s the same time :o/
  5. When i’m not doing major treatments, it’s almost easy to pretend that the past three years has not been my life, i’m in a place now that I can’t understand, I’m baffled over my denial and while I know it will pass and I should enjoy it, it does concern me because I can feel the shift happening and i’m letting go, it truly scares me….

And while I miss all of you, all of you that have moved on…I know that part of it is for your own good, sanity perhaps? I think about you always and still check in on you and your precious bundles and pray for peace for all of you.

I hope that this post hasn’t offended any of you because I know having a baby doesn’t make you not infertile anymore and it doesn’t take the pain of what you went through dissapear, all i’m trying to do here is tell you all that it’s okay, I do understand and like JJ….it’s time for a new circle….I know that those of us still fighting the fight will all be on the otherside of this one day and my dear dear friends, I can’t wait!

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