So…the storm after the calm hit me yesterday, quite unexpectedly. Not to say I didn’t expect it, I expected it eventually but not so soon.
I’ve been plodding along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I hit a wall. It started on Tuesday, I was feeling a bit off – it was then that I knew that AF was on her merry way. I felt very tearful and scared, had a very bad case of PMS.
So yesterday morning when I woke up, I didn’t feel much better, I got dressed…thought about AF and packed my goodies in my handbag just in-case but hoping against all hope that I wouldn’t need them and that soon I would see those 2 lines. I wasn’t at work long and AF appeared and all I wanted to do is run and hide, run and hide from my life.
It hit me so hard, I phoned Frank to tell him and he said “oh well, we’ll just try again” and normally I would love him for being so optimistic but that’s just not what I wanted to hear, i’m still not sure what I wanted him to say and I think that it doesn’t really matter either because at that moment in time, nothing would have helped.
My mind was reeling, going crazy trying to figure out why I wasn’t okay anymore, thoughts of what to do next made me feel even worse. At one point my only thought was going for a day 2 scan and starting BCP for my next IVF and then wondering whether month 3 with Dr P would do the trick. You see, I have always been like this – I choose to believe in the treatment that I am doing whole heartedly BUT when i’ve given it fair chance and I don’t get results, the I lose faith and want to move on to the next thing.
One of my close friends at work came to ask if I was okay, I told her that I wasn’t and I wasn’t sure what to do, I told her exactly how I felt and what my options were. Now, she has been there with me all along on this journey, she has a child of her own and conceived within the first month of going off the pill but has never once judged me, she has always tried to walk in my shoes and I love her dearly for that. She told me in no un-certain terms to pull myself together and that I should just follow “the plan”, she said that I have all the time in the world and that waiting another one or two months is not going to kill me, infact all it’s going to do is improve my chances of conceiving with IVF. She also told me that if I start IVF now and it doesn’t work then I’m going to look back and wonder if I should have given my body some more time.
I must admit that some of what she said wasn’t easy to hear, we (infertiles) tend to get our backs up when fertile people try and give us advice (no matter how good the friendship is) but when I thought about everything she was saying, I had to agree that she was right. I still felt very sorry for myself but I needed to hear everything that she said to me.
Today is a better day, I still feel a bit sad but I’m on the mend. Frank agrees too that we aren’t ready yet, we’ll give it some more time. This month is supposed to be my last month on treatment with Dr P, “the plan” was to start BCP in May but like I have said before…that will mean that this cycle will fall on the same time as my first IVF, it feels like a bad omen to me, please tell me what you think…..tell me if you think it’s daft to use that as an excuse.
So for now I carry on with my eating plan and excercise, carry on with my Agnus and acupuncture and decide what to do when I need to…..and try desperately to find peace again.
To those of you who commented on my last post, I am truly sorry if any of you were hurt by it and I wanted to let you all know that wherever you are in your journey, I pray for peace for you all everyday….