It’s been a long few weeks, instead of things getting better like they normally do, things just got worse. I can’t remember being in a place like this, I think I have before but this time I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s all very strange really.

It started at a family event, things went wrong somehow and too many things were done and said – from there it was like a downward spiral, everything that I have not wanted to think about made its way into my head and my life. It happened at a particularly bad time too, a time when I wasn’t feeling the best anyway because my 3rd cycle with Dr P was becoming a reality and hormones were flaring.

I’m not going to go into details, a lot of what I have dealt with in the past has come back, feelings that I don’t understand. Feelings that made me question my wanting to be a mother, thoughts that maybe, just maybe my IF is a way to telling me that I shouldn’t be a mother.

At first I thought that I was just feeling sensitive because it has been a long road, life has never really been easy for me and that is just one of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do, he has saved me from all of it, made sense of a life that never really made any sense up until I found him. But the feelings and thoughts never went away, I became more and more anxious and confused so I decided to go and see a counselor about it, he helped me….I know that counseling works because I have been down this road before, before I even know that IF would enter my life.

But in helping me, he has turned my world upside down, making what I have believed for a long time make no sense at all. He has given me a different way of looking at things and that changes a lot for me, in fact it changes everything. So right now, I am in a state of utter confusion, confused because nothing makes any sense to me anymore. The only thing that makes sense right now is Frank and our love for each other.

I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that deep down inside I haven’t done anything to deserve this and I know that IF isn’t just life’s way of punishing me for never understanding one of the simplest things in life, the bond that a mother and child should have.

I know that all of this sounds very confusing and it’s my way of getting some of it out without saying everything. I am trying my hardest to work through it all, I have decided that life is not always cut and dry, there are not hard and fast rules for how things are supposed to be, everyone gets to write their own story and to make it what they want it to be, I am in the process of writing my story and all I know it that in the end I will be a mother and I will leave IF and everything else that has been hard on this journey behind us.

We have decided to start IVF in June, I will be starting BCP then so my stim cycle will be at the end of June/early July. I need to take some time to work through the rest of it, to come to terms with everything that hasn’t been dealt with and to finally make sense of my life.

That is were I am right now, I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for a lot of you and I wish all of you that are in the middle of cycles all the best!

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