And so we’ve made the decision to leave Dr P. I’m seeing a new lady on Friday this week, Dr Debbie. I have heard only good things about her so I am quite excited!!

I’m a bit sad to leave Dr P, he did a lot of good for me. I am still following the eating plan he gave me because it’s easy and it can become a way of life. I’m also still losing weight, I’m now on my 7th kg since the beginning of Feb, of-course I’m still gyming 3 times a week so that helps too. It was not an easy decision to make but my last cycle and my conversation with him on Friday helped me make up my mind.

As you all know, I started bleeding on day 23 of my cycle. This had never happened before, even when I was doing a stim cycle and was triggered the shortest cycle I had was 26 days. Now I know that it’s only 3 days but that would mean that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9 apposed to my normal CD 14 to 17 (CD11 on only two cycles in 38 cycles off BCP).

So I phoned Dr P because I wanted his opinion, now I’m not so sure if I like what he said. He started off saying that it wasn’t good and I agreed, he went on to ask about my last period. I told him that I only bled for one day with about 5 days of spotting which isn’t normal but I had spoken to him about it before we started acupuncture last cycle and he said it was okay. He then goes on to say that he thinks I might have been pregnant and that I’m having a miscarriage!

I was floored, really not what I expected at all! So I asked what I should do and he said that I must come back on day 8 and we’ll start again. And that ladies was that, I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say so I said….”oh, okay”

Frank wasn’t home at the time, I cried a bit and then tried to work out how far I would have been. 7w2days. I read up on what a miscarriage would be like at that stage, I read up on how I couldn’t have known that I might have been pregnant. I didn’t really find any answers.

I don’t want to believe that I am having a miscarriage, Frank seems to think that it makes perfect sense. I’ve really come off the rails in the past few weeks, have had a terrible time emotionally, I’ve had the flu and have been having problems with my blood pressure because it was too low and I was constantly dizzy, I asked Dr P what was going on and he gave me some herbs for my blood pressure, I’ve had sore breasts but they are constantly sore on the agnes.

Surely I should have known?

I would be nice to think that after 3 years of trying, we got it right naturally but now I will never know. We could have gone to Vita.lab and had some beta’s done but Frank seems to think that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to watch beta numbers drop right now but then again, it also could have confirmed that I was never pregnant and that now just before we start another IVF my body is playing silly buggers!

I was also worried that if I was pregnant that I would blame myself for not knowing and for not being on progesterone to protect my little one and help it grow. I’m just not in the right frame of mind for this right now.

I spoke to my most favourite person, Bumble on Sunday and she helped me a lot. She has a way of putting things into perspective. I love you dearly my friend and thank you for always being there for me.

I haven’t cried again, Frank is concerned that I’m not dealing with this but the problem is that I don’t know what to think. I’m sad for what might have been but how do you deal with it when you not sure it was there in the first place. I’m still bleeding, I’ve had quite a bit of cramping and headaches but every day gets better and now, only time will tell. We haven’t discussed this with many people, we’ve told close family and friends and they understand that we don’t want to make a huge deal out of this because we don’t know what really happened, they know if we need to talk and they’ll be there but they’ll understand if we don’t want to too.

We planning on starting BCP as soon as this cycle is over, we’ll do acupuncture and give it a go naturally again this month but if all else fails I should start BCP before the end of May. Sweet Bumble sent me some precious Gonal F, a brand new pen left over from her IVF with little Embie, I’m hoping that it has the same affect on me as did on her, so here’s to our next few months and putting the past behind us.