Today is CD2 and so today is the day I should start stimms….yes….well, actually….no.

We have decided to put our IVF on hold. Not an easy decision to make at all, because this was all our decision. VL are telling us that things should be fine, we aren’t so convinced. For once in my life i’m going with my gut feel and my gut feel tells me that I need to wait.

Frank’s SA came back fine (according to the lovely Dr V) – his count was 22mil per ml (they are looking for anything over 20mil), morphology was 3% and motility at 30%, Dr V wasn’t too thrilled about the motility (they prefer it to be 50% or above) and said that something called a “wet prep” was in order just to double check it. He also wanted Frank’s FSH re-tested. So on saturday I went into VL to fetch my hubby a speciman jar for this morning, while I was there I sat with our co-ordinator and went thru the last SA.

Our last SA was as follows: 119ml per ml, 6% morphology and 50% motility – big change.

I went home to chat to Frank, I wasn’t happy with the drastic change and neither was he and so we came to the conclusion that staying on birth control for another month (or two) might not be a bad thing in order to let the boys recover a bit because it’s quite obvious that the infection and fever affected them. So going with the figures made it easy to decide, there is a lot on the line here, should we have gone into it without reconsidering and it failed, we would have blamed the poor SA and we would have worried about every FET we did after that. This way, we are trying to give ourselves a better shot….

Unfortunately things are always cut and dry, today I feel unsure, I second guess our decision – it’s hard leading up to something and then having to wait. It’s also hard that we are the ones the have made this decision, while our clinic keeps on telling us that this sperm is good enough for IVF. I’m not in a good place as it is, it would have been easier for me to deal with (emotionally) if we were told to wait. For a change, i’m letting logic win and not my emotions.

We’re doing the right thing here, please tell me we are. Tell me that you would do this too, I have to keep on reminding myself that this is the right thing to do, it doesn’t make sense to do it until we have better sperm….having it fail is far worse than waiting a month or two, there’s too much to think about here.

I’m also all over the place with everything else that’s happening in my life and so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. As sweet Sam put it yesterday – maybe this is god’s way of giving me time to deal with my folks splitting up.

So, there you have it, another month of BCP, sorry for getting you all excited for nothing!