Our follow up went well, as well as can be expected after a failed cycle. Dr V continues to amaze me with his compassionate and caring manner, I could see that he was genuinely sad for us. When he came in and asked how we were he said that he would rather not be having this conversation with us, I got scared. He then went on to say that when our second fresh cycle fails he starts getting concerned and so I got more scared….
Frank and I sat there, both thinking that this was the end of the line for us, that he would say we’d have to go the donor route because of bad egg quality and we decided long ago that we would never use a sperm or egg donor, it’s a personal choice – one that isn’t made lightly but never-the-less one that we will stick to.
He compared the two cycles (fresh) and there is a vast difference between them, egg quality did improve this time round even tho we only got 3 blasts. Fertilisation was 100% compared to 53% last time, my E2 levels went up slower and only got to 6735 and not 14875 by trigger which apparently is better – the eggs aren’t “over-cooked”, I stimmed for an extra day – also preferrable, my progesterone was higher after trigger which is also good, my lining was thick and ER went smoother…all in all, very very different and according to Dr V, much much better.
So then, what is the problem you may ask? Besides for egg quality which could improve since it would be a new batch, they aren’t sure – according to Dr V, I should have fallen pregnant this time, the blasts that we got were very good and hardly fragmented at all. They grew the 3rd blast and it collapsed which makes me feel better about not transferring it because it wouldn’t have made it anyway. It seems that it’s an immunological problem, something not happening between the embryo/blast and lining around the time that it should implant, I have done all the tests that we can do at this stage and the results don’t show anything strange but there are other immunological problems that they cannot test for, things like nat.ural kil.ler cells (I know some clinics do blood tests for this but Dr. V says that the results from taking blood from your arm aren’t always the same as in the uterus) etc.
So the plan is to do the same protocol (providing my hormone profile stays the same) but to add IVIg this time round. I’ll only do one course (a day long procedure/drip) about a week before transfer and then if a pregnancy is acheived then another one – it can’t hurt and this may be what we need to get this right – I hope so.
That my dear friends, is it. We have a plan now, Frank will have to have a repeat SA a few weeks before we decide to start again in case he needs the menopur shots again. We haven’t set a time frame for any of this yet, it’s not a point of discussion in our house at the moment, we tried talking about when but we both have different ideas and so we decided to leave it for a while, it’s still to fresh.
So, now….let’s live a little 😉
It’s been quite a week, I took Monday and Tuesday off and have been at work half day for the rest of the week. I’m still feeling so flat and I just can’t get my head around the fact that this is over and done with, it doesn’t feel real and I so wish that it weren’t. But it is and that makes me so sad.
I haven’t been able to really talk to anyone about it, I’m too afraid to say how I really feel because it’s too hard, I’ve been keeping to myself which helps me get thru it. I know that this will pass and all I’m trying to do right now is take it one day at a time, they say that time heals everything….we’ll see.
Our follow up is on Monday afternoon, I’m looking forward to it now because I think it may help with some closure and maybe a plan, I always need a plan. I want to put a list of questions together but I’m not sure what to ask Dr V…any suggestions?
Abi is getting so big and she continues to bring us so much joy, I really don’t know how I would get thru this without her….she has been such a blessing….will update with pics soon.
In the meantime, Frank and I have decided to try and take a real break….we’ve put off so much in the last three plus years and so now it’s time to start making some changes, we’ve been wanting to sell our house and find something new, in another area….we’ve also been wanting to go on a “second honeymoon” to Knysna – I’m going to start planning that for sometime next year….there is so much we want to do and so now we’re going to start living and stop waiting, our baby will come – in time.
It was a long weekend, I started spotting on Saturday (8dp5t). It was light and brown so I tried not to worry but had a feeling that this was the beggining of the end.
I woke up Sunday morning with no spotting to be seen, I was happy 🙂 ….and then it returned – much more and with AF type cramping – NOT.A.HAPPY.CAMPER 😦
Today (10dp5t) – I went in for my beta simply because I couldn’t take it anymore, any sign of blood has never been a good thing for me. The spotting didn’t seem as much but was still there….for the first time since we’ve started this journey, Frank couldn’t be with me and I cried all the way there and all the way back home, very hard. The nurses at Vitalab said that it could be a good sign, brown blood is good and because it started so early it could be from implantation, it’s very hard to believe but we try and have faith.
When I got home, there was more blood and now full flow…and I knew.
Got the phone call half an hour later, BFN. I’m surprisingly calm, I think I cried so much this weekend and this morning that there just isn’t anything left. I can’t tell you how I feel because i’m not sure yet, i’m sure it will come when Frank gets home, I so wanted to phone him and tell him that he was going to be a Daddy, that is my only wish for him and yet I can’t seem to give him that. Failure and Anger, all over again.
I’m not sure how much of this I have left in me, I know that this will pass, I know that I’ll be ready to do this someday again but I am just so tired now. Our follow up appointment is on Monday next week….that scares me. Once we have Dr V’s suggestion we’ll make some decisions but for now, we need time to heal and re-build our strength.
Thank you Jen, my sweet friend – even tho you are so far away, you are always with me in my time of need, I love you & Sam – altho we haven’t known eachother long, you are a wonderful friend and you have helped me get thru this (even tho you are hurting too) & Raylene, you too are very special….good luck with your coming IVF sweetie xxx
Dear God, you know my heart. My fears, pain and emptyness lie bare before you. By your Grace, please remove me from this unbearable cross, if not then please carry it with me….Amen.
Things are going soooo fast, with less than a week to go until I test….
I have no real symptoms to blog about and sometimes it feels like nothing has happened and then I look at this:
And it feels real again….it’s been a weird 2ww, I’ve been very calm so far, it feels weird actually and maybe it’s because I’m in a bit of denial here, a part of me can’t comprehend that this could actually end with a pregnancy, I think it’s a self-preservation thing which is really silly because I know that should this fail being in denial all this time will not make the blow any softer…
And so we wait…..and we hope…..and we pray…..
I’m 30 today….
Today marks the start of a new chapter in my life, I’m hoping that my little embies are implanting nicely in my waiting womb and that in 9 days time we get a positive Beta.
I’m feeling so much better than I was on Friday, in fact I felt better on Saturday already, I think that Friday was just too much and I had to get my head around it all before I felt better. I have to think that if they thought we could have a triplett pregnancy then something must be good, let’s hope that Dr V is right about those little blasts, please God – let this be it!
I’m still feeling a bit detached for this whole process, I’m hopeful of-course but it all feels very strange. Abi is also keeping me busy so I suppose I don’t really have the time to sit and obsess like I used to so it’s so far so good.
The OHSS seems to be easing up a lot, i’m still a bit bloated but hardly have any pain anymore. Dr V still wants me to drink 4ltr of water a day for the next few weeks tho…which is a challenge but it’s worth not having the pain.
I’m having a quiet day at home with little Abs, Frank had to work but we’re going out for dinner tonight, I’m not having a a big 30th bash, i’m not in the mood so we just doing a quiet dinner on Friday night with some close friends.
Thank you all again for your kind words, you are all a great comfort to me and I love you all!
Ever heard the expression “waiting for the other shoe to drop”?
That’s what life has felt like for Frank and I over the past few weeks, things have gone so well and this may sound really “half-glass empty” but we’ve kinda been waiting for the other shoe to drop, well this morning, it came hurtling down!
Now please, please, please don’t get me wrong. I am gratefull that we’ve made it this far, I know that many of you don’t ever get this far let alone with your own eggs but bear with me here, some of what I am feeling is hormone related….
Yesterday’s fert report said 13 embies, 7 looking good…today, however was a different story. Dr V started off saying that he had a conversation at a conference once, it was about perfect day 3 embryo’s being transferred but no pregnancy being achieved – the outcome was – grow the same embryo’s to day 5 and see what happens. Now we know why no pregnancy was achieved with any of my other transfers….I have bad eggs.
Our embryo’s are beautifull up until day 3 but today, today was a completely different story. 7 of the embies became blasts – which is good? No, they became awful quality blasts, the rest stayed alive and grew a few cells more but the fragmentation was very clear, not good embies at all. In fact the 9 cell that would have been a day 3 choice was terrible today…
There was one “excellent” (according to dr V & the embryologist) blast another two that could “make a baby” (their words, not mine) but weren’t top class. That’s it folks – 3 out of the 13 that were alive were transfer quality. I didn’t mind not freezing any because we what we want to achieve is a pregnancy with a take home baby, not have embies in the freezer but we had to make a choice. Dr V was not happy transferring all 3, he said that considering my age and the fact that they were blasts, a triplet pregnancy could be on the cards, that means a high risk pregnancy.
Of-course my initial reaction was that I wanted all three transferred, Frank and Dr V disagreed – they won. We transferred the best two and the other was not freezing quality. I’m still wondering if we made the right decision, what happens if that one was “the one”? I know you girls get this, i’m feeling so uncertain.
Transfer went well, loads and loads of tears. Dr V says that should a pregnancy be achieved then the OHSS will flare up again but I can deal with that, I just want this to work. Acu afterwards helped me relax and now up off to the couch with little Abi.
Test is on 13.08.08…..