It was a long weekend, I started spotting on Saturday (8dp5t). It was light and brown so I tried not to worry but had a feeling that this was the beggining of the end.

I woke up Sunday morning with no spotting to be seen, I was happy 🙂 ….and then it returned – much more and with AF type cramping – NOT.A.HAPPY.CAMPER 😦

Today (10dp5t) – I went in for my beta simply because I couldn’t take it anymore, any sign of blood has never been a good thing for me. The spotting didn’t seem as much but was still there….for the first time since we’ve started this journey, Frank couldn’t be with me and I cried all the way there and all the way back home, very hard. The nurses at Vitalab said that it could be a good sign, brown blood is good and because it started so early it could be from implantation, it’s very hard to believe but we try and have faith.

When I got home, there was more blood and now full flow…and I knew.

Got the phone call half an hour later, BFN. I’m surprisingly calm, I think I cried so much this weekend and this morning that there just isn’t anything left. I can’t tell you how I feel because i’m not sure yet, i’m sure it will come when Frank gets home, I so wanted to phone him and tell him that he was going to be a Daddy, that is my only wish for him and yet I can’t seem to give him that. Failure and Anger, all over again.

I’m not sure how much of this I have left in me, I know that this will pass, I know that I’ll be ready to do this someday again but I am just so tired now. Our follow up appointment is on Monday next week….that scares me. Once we have Dr V’s suggestion we’ll make some decisions but for now, we need time to heal and re-build our strength.

Thank you Jen, my sweet friend – even tho you are so far away, you are always with me in my time of need, I love you & Sam – altho we haven’t known eachother long, you are a wonderful friend and you have helped me get thru this (even tho you are hurting too) & Raylene, you too are very special….good luck with your coming IVF sweetie xxx

Dear God, you know my heart. My fears, pain and emptyness lie bare before you. By your Grace, please remove me from this unbearable cross, if not then please carry it with me….Amen.

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