How do you start to live a normal life after failed infertility treatments and almost 4 years of trying with no success at all?

I don’t know, I’m in a funny place right now – I feel like I’m walking through a fog. I feel like i’m living someone else’s life because my own life is so fucked upside down that I don’t know where to start.

I try, I make lists of things I want to do and the order I think I want to do them in but that doesn’t help because really and truly I don’t want to carry on as normal and pretend that a baby isn’t the first thing I think about when I’m trying to make plans, I just can’t pretend.

I wish that I was one of those people that could just put my baby making efforts at the back of my mind and say that what will be will be and that in time we’ll try again and it will be different, I so wish that infertility hadn’t become such a big part of my life and who I have become. It makes me sad to think of everything we have lost, the way that this has changed us, I hate what it’s done with so much passion that it makes me want to weep and I just want it to stop.

I know that some people look at this in a very different light, I used to say that everything in life is a choice and that we choose our battles and that I should choose to not let my infertility change who I am and my marriage but that is easier said than done, infertility is not a choice. I know that this feeling will pass, it always does and maybe if I actually grieved like before I could move on, but I can’t because I feel so numb, so angry that my anger scares me.

Frank and I continue to dance around when our next IVF will be, it’s something that we just can’t agree on so we don’t talk about it (when we do we end up arguing) which isn’t helping me. He feels strongly about taking a year or more off and I don’t. We have so many plans, things we’ve put on hold and one day I’m fine with doing the things we want to do first and then trying again but then all of a sudden I am so unsure and want to change it, I can’t make any decisions. Frank and I have always been in agreement when it comes to infertility treatments and timing, this is the first time that he’s fighting me and it’s hard.  I know he’s right, we’ve lived this life for too long now and it’s time to live a normal life again and we do have time but I just don’t know how to stop.

I found out this week that a friend of mine trying for her second child (for 2 years) had her second miscarriage, it was early @ just over 5 weeks but the thing that gets me is that she didn’t tell me. I came up in arb conversation and I said, “hang-on…what do you mean 2nd miscarriage?” and she told me. It was while we were doing IVF but I am still hurt that she feels that she couldn’t tell me that she was pregnant. It’s little things like this that hurt me even tho I know she didn’t mean to hurt me.

Another dear friend of mine found out that her 3rd IVF failed, it makes me so sad and I so wish that I can take her pain away, even tho mine is still so fresh – you know who you are and you know you are in my prayers.

I can’t bring myself to take comfort in others going thru the same thing, I have a few people that know how I feel and that I talk to but I used to use the fertilicare site to voice my heartache but I just can’t right now, I don’t know why.

I need this break, my head is not in a good place, it hasn’t been for a while – even with my last IVF, I couldn’t have the hope I used to have or feel the way I used to feel, I need to get back to that place – a place where I am hopeful again and believe that treatment will work. I found this article on IVIg and NK Cells and it makes sense why Dr V wants to try it even tho it costs R7000 per day (I will need 2 days if I fall pregnant) so that adds extra stress on the finance side too, once I’m in a better place I’ll look forward to it because this might just be the key….

I’ve gone on long enough and right now, the only thing that will heal us is TIME, as scary as it is.