This is the question that has been going thru my mind over the past few weeks. I’ve tried counselling, it did me no good at all, but maybe that was the counsellor or the head-space that I was in? I’ve looked back because there have been times where I felt worse than I do now, but this time feels different. I haven’t been able to grieve or scream or cry, I still feel so lost and it’s getting worse.

I’ve never been one to shy away from pregnant women, friends with babies, baby showers and the like, I have always made an effort to go to these things and be positive because it was never about me, it was about being there for friends who’s lives where about to change, my infertility was not their doing and so I did my best to put my own issues aside. Suddenly, i’m lost in a place where I just can’t pretend that I’m okay anymore, I’m not only avoiding friends with new-born babies, I’m avoiding most of my friends, i’m not taking phone calls, I can’t really talk about how I feel, I know that they are concerned but that doesn’t make me feel better because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, it makes me feel weird because they want to know how I am and the truth is that I don’t know how I am, I don’t know what to say anymore because really, at the end of the day – what is there to say?

Frank and I have finally started talking, we’re making an effort on the s*x front too, which does help because it makes me feel like all is not lost in our relationship. I worry about how this has affected our marriage, I don’t want my marriage to end over infertility, it’s not that bad yet but it might get there if we let it. Things feel better at home, there’s not this silence that says so much, we both feel happier but deep down inside there is this sadness that I just can’t get rid off, the emptyness of not having a child.

Our day @ Mangwanani was so good for me, it gave me a chance to speak my mind to others that were in the same boat as me and not feel weird or like I’ve said too much. They too have been there, we’re all on different journey’s but we have this understanding, this connection. They helped me make some decisions about the future and put things into perspective for me.

Today I mailed Dr V, I told him how i was feeling and asked his advice…this was his reply…

Dear Tammy, I am sorry to hear about the sad emotion that you have to deal with. I definately think that we need some professional help to help you cope with your emotions, as we have to deal with it appropriately before we embark down the IVF road again. I would suggest that you contact either Dr Solomon or Dr Tanya Rubin as they are both excellent in this regard. I am sure that they can assist and be of help in dealing with the issues right now.

The thing I love about Dr V is that he makes you feel like he is in this with you, I think he’s right. I definately need to deal with a few things before I even think of doing IVF again. It doesn’t help doing treatment when you don’t believe it will work. My question to you VL ladies, have any of you seen these Dr’s? I have heard of Dr Solomon, his brochure says that he specialises in areas of clinical hypnosis, relationship, marital and s*x therapy and the treatment of stress and anxiety difficulties. Sounds good to me but I’m not sure if I need a women…suggestions?

So girls, this is it. I think it’s time to start making some changes to my state of mind and hopefully there’ll be some sunnier posts sometime soon.