I had a bad dream last night, I wont go into detail but I dreamt that Frank died. It was sooo awful, I can’t even tell you how shaken I was this morning. I can’t imagine my life without this man, I think that my soul would forever long for him and so I told him that if he ever thinks of dying on me, I’d have to kill him!

I never dream of death, my dreams are weird to say the least, I dream of pregnancy – mine and others, of babies being born, of lots of stuff (not all TTC related by the way) – but not death. Apparently dreaming of death could mean a lot of things, anxiety of losing my husband (hell yes – this IF thing has caused a lot of uncertainty for me, I know my husband loves me but I can’t give him children, so yes the thought has crossed my mind….), of new life – not necessarily me being pregnant but seeing as tho I “normally” don’t dream of death for others to be pregnant (I just get that feeling or I dream they are pregnant) – it can’t be that…so could it possibly means new beginnings?

The end of something and the beginning of something new. My star sign for this month says “Once you know where you stand, the rest will be easy. Events and discussions on the 4th will prove pivitol to your plans, but you wont be able to have what you want unless you embrace change”…mmmm. Change and new beginnings, I so desperately want to close this chapter of my life, I want change but I’m scared. Maybe my dream was a way of telling me that things need to change, I know that because, well….we all know that something’s gotta give here.

I’m working on this, counselling starts in 3 days. I am aware that this isn’t going to be a quick fix, I’m not going to feel better overnight – I know that things often get worse before they get better and that counselling has a way of opening up those old scabby wounds again but we need this. I’m so hoping that this will help me ebrace change and accept the things that I cannot change, help me love life again and appreciate all the good things that I do have, I am so hoping for a new beginning.

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