Our counselling session has come and gone, it went well. Dr Rubin is lovely, she’s easy to talk to which helps too. Frank wasn’t looking forward to it at all, he’s been extra extra stressed at work lately too which really just puts the cherry on the cake in terms of our home life but what can you do? I was surprised at how much he spoke about his feelings, he even brought up the s*x thing without any prompting.

I can’t say that I left the appointment feeling any different from before, if anything my head hurt and I felt really sad. You see, we only really touched on some of the issues that we are having, Dr Rubin used this first hour to really get to know “us” and the history of us since we’ve been married. We started at the beginning, from when we got married and the fact that I went off the pill and we started trying almost immediately…to all the ops I’ve had and all the Dr’s and special potions we’ve tried…eventually ending off at this last IVF. It was hard to go thru it all again, memories tend to fade and when you have to dig them all up again it’s really hard, I didn’t cry but I felt so drained, I can’t actually believe that it’s been such a hard and long road so far.

Dr Rubin said that it’s up to us to decide how often we want to see her, she thinks that we’re still okay but that there are areas that need working on. I’m happy with the way she’s dealing with our case, getting to know us and our history before rushing in and trying to fix things overnight, there’s still so much to go thru. I have plently of childhood issues (most of which I have kept very close to my chest on here) which still affect my daily life today, I have been in therapy for them before but that book is not closed, there is so much more to put to rest but we’ll get there. We have decided to see Tanya every two weeks to start off with, we’ll see how things go and take it from there.

I’ve been feeling emotionally unstable all weekend, really narfy and it doesn’t help that I had this little voice niggling in my head, it just wouldn’t leave me in peace and so I gave in. I peed on a stick! Now, those of you who know me know that this doesn’t come easy for me, I never ever never pee on those damn evil things but this time felt different. AF was 4 days late, I was so sure that my I had ovulated within normal range and since Frank and I were trying to “re-connect” during this time, the possibility of a miracle pregnancy was there. I’ve also been extra tired lately, my emotions have felt out of whack (you know, all the things we tell ourselves when we are trying to convince ourselves (and the powers that be) that we might actually be pregnant by some utter miracle).

It was negative and AF has finally arrived with a vengance, so now I feel even sorrier (is that even a word!?!) for myself, much less for letting myself day dream about the possiblity of finally getting pregnant (natrually to boot) and being able to tell Frank without him knowing it was a “test day”. Do we ever learn?

Bumble is here from Australia, I can’t wait to see her and little Emma, of-course i’ll be giving her new baby bump a rub too 😉

Sending you all much love from a Sunny South Africa on this blue Monday…

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