I just can’t. I can’t do it anymore.
This last week has been a total, total nightmare and I’m so tired. Now I know that all of you are sick of hearing about how hard life is at the moment but this happens to be my blog and it helps me get it out…sorry…skip this post of you don’t feel like reading 😉
Since my blue Monday last week, I decided….with the help of Sam to go and see Tanya by myself. Frank is so busy and stressed at work that he couldn’t make it and I was flipping out…I phoned her on Tuesday and we had a chat, she suggested me seeing her on Monday and that I was to think about taking an anti-depressant. I so didn’t want to go that route again, I wanted to be able to this by myself this time.
I spent the day with the lovely Bumble and Emm on Wednesday, it was wonderful. I miss her so much and Emm is just the sweetest little thing ever! Despite waking up feeling tearful and worried that I was going to be a wet rag, our day together was so nice! I went home feeling hopeful and refreshed, it was so good to feel like me again. Frank got home late but said that I looked better, happier…I told him I had such a nice day and was feeling so much better. I decided to tell him that I was going to see Tanya by myself and that she thought that I needed an anti-depressant – he told me that he didn’t know that I was feeling so bad – I said of-course he didn’t because there’s this “wedge” between us and he said it was because we are both talking a different language and that we want different things right now, I told him that I was fed up with him telling everyone that he’s doing all this (IF treatment) for me and that we made the decisions together and he said he does want children and it does hurt him that it’s so hard but he’ll still be happy with just me for the rest of his life….it got out of hand very quickly, from good to bad – just like that.
I cried all day Thursday, I phoned Tanya. I started Ciprolex on Friday.
I had Family drama on Friday, I haven’t seen my mom in six months but I had to see her because my sister was in trouble, I flipped out at my sister in front of her boyfriends parents (she stays with them) because she doesn’t phone me and tell me what’s going ON, her boss phones me and I panic. I’m very protective over her and I worry so much. Bad bad day!
My mom phones me at home on Saturday, acting as if nothing has happened between us and that everything is fine just because we are both worried about my sister. I’m calm, I talk nicely and I tell her that I’ll sort it out.
I phone my sister yesterday find out how she is, she lets me have it. Tells me how upset she is with me becuase I questioned her, tells me that she doesn’t need me to judge her. All i ever do is try and help her, I have done so so much for her….I was so angry and so hurt. I told her not to phone me again but that i’m glad she is okay. I’m in tears when I phone my Dad, I tell him that I’m finished, I’ve had it and I’m not doing this anymore. I tell him not to phone me, that I don’t want to know because all they do is make my life hard and I don’t need them and that I only need my husband. He doesn’t know where this is all coming from but it’s been a long time coming, I love my Dad dearly but I just can’t do this anymore.
I went to see Tanya, she helped me work thru some things, it’s a long road but at least we’ve started the journey. I’m so thankful for the Ciprolex because I think I might have been admitted to a loony bin without it. I have a lot of decisions to make – about my life, the way I see things and my family but for now I just need to start healing. I know I haven’t been there for many of you…you know who you are….Sam, Sharon, Roz & Maritza and many others here in blogland but I think of you daily and I’m with you all the way.