Thank you all for understanding my last post and being so supportive about it, I know that we’ve all felt this way before but I don’t like it, I don’t like being this person and the longer I do this, the more bitter I become. I’ve spoken to my therapist (who rocks!) about this and she says exactly what you’ve all said (it does help that she’s been thru this too so she understands all the feelings that go with infertility), I am being too hard on myself.
It boils down to this, I’ve always prided myself on being “strong-minded”, yes, I let things get to me but I’ve always believed that everything in life is a mind-set and the way you feel can often be controlled. You can let yourself fall apart or you can try a bit harder and pick yourself up and move on. I’ve been thru this before, life has never handed me anything on a silver platter….from a childhood where my mother never wanted to live and kept taking over-doses (regularly from when I was 16, leaving me to play mother to my sister who was only 7) and a father that had countless affairs (and as a result I have a 33 year old half-brother that I have never met), from an emotionally abusive relationship (not Frank oviously) to having to work hard for everything I’ve ever achieved in life and over-coming depression without the help of my family.
When I left my fiance, I couldn’t move back home. My relationship with my parents is very unstable and so I moved into my own place, living month to month was hard and I suffered with terrible depression. It was then that I decided that I would never let myself get into that dark place again, life is about choices – you can choose to react and let it affect you in ways which aren’t admirable. Infertility has changed this for me, my past and the way I have always dealt with life were the reason I was so against starting AD’s again, I wanted to do this myself, in a way it was admitting defeat.
I see it differently now, I still have bad days. The AD’s (criprolex – for those of you who are scared of taking it, I get loads of hits on my blog for Ciprolex) just takes the peak’s and valley’s out of the equation, you still feel sad but you don’t cry all the time. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like you walk around like a zombie, I cry but it’s not that un-controllable sadness. I need to let go, I need to let this affect me, I need to feel it. I can’t control what infertility does because it’s not only me that it does this to, we infertiles have this in common – of-course it’s varying degrees…the longer you’re on this path, the harder it gets to recover. I have no doubt in my mind that we will get passed this, I know that when they place my baby in my arms one day that not all this will dissapear, I know it’s always going to be part of me. I’ve dealt with my infertility in all the wrong ways, thinking that if I just kept moving and doing treatment that I would get thru it but in doing that I never felt it, I never really dealt with it and now I am paying the price and so is my marriage.
We have decided that we wont be doing any treatments until next year August/September (that is the plan but we know how the best laid plans work). We need to concentrate on our marriage before we bring a child into this, we have time. It’s hard and Tanya wants me to continue to work with her because taking such a long break will be good for Frank but it might just send me over the edge (seeing AF arrive every month and having more and more of my friends have babies and feeling left behind even tho it’s by choice will be hard). Time will tell.
Frank and I are trying hard, things haven’t been easy but it’s “baby-steps” from here, everyday that we work together and make a concerted effort in being a couple again helps. We’re going away for the weekend (28th & 29th) to try and re-connect (read – get our sex life back on track) as per Tanya. I think it’s important, of-course I’m already worried about Abi but she’ll be fine, it’s only two nights and she’s staying with my in-laws…
I’ve gone on long enough, here are some updated pics of Abi @ 7 months (and a comparison…my how she’s grown!!)