Infertility changes us, we all know this. Not all of the changes are bad, some of them are good – we never really think about the good that infertility has brought to our lives, like the understanding/realisation that we are stronger than we thought we were and that by the time we have our babies we will love them with everything single fibre of our beings. In some ways it teaches us patience, it teaches us to be humble, it teaches us to try and feel others pain and be aware of how fragile life can be, I could go on….but today this post is not about that, today it’s about the Truth, the ugly Truth.
I like to think that I am not bitter, I know what this has done to me but I like to think that it’s made me a better person, I like to think that I am more compassionate now because I know the pain that life can bring but that’s not all true because sometimes I just don’t like myself.
Frank went out for a boys breakfast this weekend, now to give you some backround – this friend was Frank’s best man, Frank was his best man and they are very close. M and his wife have been married for just over a year now and every time I see them I tell Frank that something is wrong, something is weird, I can see it in their eyes – we thought they had marriage problems.
Anyway, Frank comes home and tells me that M’s wife has had 3 miscarriages recently, he didn’t get the details on how far she was, when it was etc – but obviously they are battling. He says it’s a progesterone dificiency and that they are seeing a Dr (not a gynea) today…I thought that they might be having trouble because she told me that they would start trying in Nov last year but didn’t think much else of it because we are the only ones in our circle of friends that have been touched by infertility, everyone else either get’s pregnant by accident or the first month of trying – the story of our lives.
But I digress, you would think that my first thought would be….”Shame, poor them, that’s terrible.” and to be honest, I do feel bad for them but my first thought was “well, at least she has implantation/can get pregnant.” I mean, hello…WTF is wrong with me? How cruel and bitter do I sound? It bugged me all weekend, I hate being this person, I would never wish infertility on anyone. I feel awful, what a terrible way to think. I thought of friends that I have that have had a miscarriage or several and I think of how I feel about them and how I so wish that they didn’t need to go thru that and how the only thing I wish for is a live, healthy baby for them.
Have I started putting people into categories…the infertile and the fertile, do only the infertile people of this world deserve my compassion? I’d like to think not. Any thoughts on this because I certainly can’t make sense of my feelings anymore, it’s really not anyone’s fault that in four years we haven’t acheived a single positive beta…
In other news, I’m being audited by SARS, I suppose it’s because I’ve put thru a total of 52 000 worth of medical bills for the 2008 tax year, what a pain in the @ss!!