Happy Happy everyone….I know that I’ve been MIA for a while, no specific reason…
I’m hoping that all of you have had a wonderful festive season and that you are refreshed and ready to go! I truly hope that 2009 brings you many many blessings…
We ended 2008 together, at home….Frank, Abi & I. We wanted to have a quiet one, I can’t say that I wasn’t happy to see 2008 end, I was a hard year all round. I haven’t made any new year resolutions, I want this year to be better than last but I haven’t pinned all my hopes and dreams on it like I usually do.
This year my thoughts/feelings are different from the last 3, this year I feel different. Yes, I was happy to see last year come to an end but I never felt the sadness I normally feel, the feeling of another year lost to trying to have a baby. Instead I feel indifferent. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, time to think about what it is I want out of life and let me tell you, I don’t think that I am any closer to telling you what it is that I want.
I think that I still want children, no let me correct that…I know that deep down inside that I do still want to complete my family but at this moment in time, I’m not so sure that I want to carry on fighting the fight. It’s not that anything drastic has changed, it’s not that I’m enjoying the break so much that I never want to start again…I’m not sure what it is. People that know how we’ve struggled ask what our plans are in terms of TTC and I’m honest when I say, I’m not sure I want to start again.
It’s weird, the longer we do this, the more I think that maybe this is just the way it’s supposed to be, just the two of us. The older I get (yes, I know I still have time) the more I feel like I’m finished, the more selfish and set in my ways I get. I know that this is probably just a passing phase because I do have days where my heart aches for a child, I do have days where the thought of never trying again makes me incredibly sad but it’s different now.
Maybe it’s the anti-depresssants (Ciprolex), maybe it’s them making me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing the happy dance and shouting for joy…I’m stable and I’m living a normal life, getting my marriage back on track has taken a lot of my focus. Frank and I have heart to heart discussions, open & truthfull ones, we can now talk about the prospect of another IVF without fighting. I know that Frank sees the change in me, I think it makes him feel better about the whole thing too, I don’t know.
Nothing is set in Stone, I may be feeling very different in a few months time, we have the money put away for another IVF or pherhaps a rainy day, whatever…we’ll figure it out. We will start counselling again soon, like I said…things are better but I know that it’s not over, there’s still so much to deal with.
I still haven’t spoken to my folks, I haven’t seen or heard much from my sister either. It’s hard but it’s something that I need to do.
Abi continues to grow and is now almost 9 months old…it’s hard to think about sometimes, since we got her just before our last IVF, our baby/babies would be due in about a months time should it have worked but I need to remind myself that it didn’t and it’s over.
As for “Murphy” – we’re acually not sure what is happening. The breeder has said something about keeping him since he’s such good stock and has offered us a choice of another 3 born on the 31st…we’ll see what happens…here’s a recent pic of him @ 3 weeks anyway…..also here’s a cute video of Abi and the washing basket…little bugger has learnt how to climb into or onto anything!!
I promise that I’ll be around to all your blogs to catch up real soon. Much love as always xxx