Who knew that 2 years ago, when I started this blog that we’d still be trying to have a baby today. Hell, not me. I hoped that this journey would come to an end sooner than this but it’s not to be. Sigh…

I must be honest and say that it feels weird (and a bit sad) to be one of only a handful (of the blogs I started with) of couples still trying to do this, with not one BFP under my belt. Of-course I’m happy for all of those that have their babies now but I’m still here, wondering and waiting for my turn.

So much has happened in these last 2 years, so much has changed. Fundamentaly, we’re the same people but we’re different in so many ways. If you had asked me 2 years ago how I felt about having a baby and being a mom, I would have told you that nothing would get in my way and that my life wouldn’t be complete without a child. It’s different now, I think that we’re getting to the point where stopping sounds like a better plan than carrying on, we’re getting to the point where I could see myself living a relatively normal life should we never have children. It’s a scary transition….

There’s so much more to think about now, we’re older, we’re more emotionally fragile because believe it or not, this doesn’t make you stronger (not until it’s over I think), every step get’s harder the longer you do this, every failure kills you more each time and altho you do get up and carry on, it’s always there, you’re always thinking about your next treatment and whether that will be the one that finally changes everything and you wonder what you’ll do if it doesn’t work.  You face a new challenge with every treatment you do because they need to try something new/different, of-course the dr’s get better and they’re spot on with stimms and egg retrieval but even they can’t understand why there hasn’t been a pregnancy yet and eventually it feels like a quessing game, the luck of the draw because it SHOULD be working.

I keep on wondering how different life would be should we not have walked this path. I keep on thinking that we’d probably have two children already, I mean you can do so much in 4 years. I know it’s not the way to think but it’s only human nature and we have to make peace with the fact that we all have our own crosses to bear, if it wasn’t this….then it could have been something else, who am I to question it? But I do, because it’s so hard and so sad.

Everytime one of us has a failed treatment I am struck down with such anger, such a feeling of sadness that my mind just can’t comprehend. I get so frustrated with the unfairness of it all. Please go by Sam and give her some love, she is such a sweet sweet girl and she doesn’t deserve this heartache. Please also go by Sharon and wish her luck, she too deserves this journey to end well.

We will be seeing Dr V sometime in June to discuss our next IVF, it looks like we’ll be doing intralipids with it this time, similar concept to IVIg but about half the cost. He’s sure that this will be it, but that’s what we thought last time. I’m anxious because I don’t know if I have the strength for another failure but maybe when we get there I’ll feel better. We need to re-do most of our bloods again since it’s been so long, a SA and bloods for Frank to see if he needs to do menopur shots again, of-course we’re hoping not! We’ll decide then when we’re starting but the plan for now is BCP in August and IVF in September. I know it will be here before we know it!!

Murphy and Abi are doing well, they love eachother. Abi’s nose is a bit out of joint but we’re trying to give them both lots of love. It gets better everyday. Here are some pics..