Things have been hard, I was actually thinking back to a counselling session that we had, the one where she told me that taking such a long a break would be very hard for me, she knew I’d get thru it but that I’d need the support on a monthly basis because seeing my period every month would drive me insane. She was so right…it’s not seeing my period that has made this so hard (of-course not seeing it would be good too)…
Frank and I have always been in agreement when it comes to fertility tretment, No – maybe that’s pushing it. Frank has always just gone with what I’ve wanted to do and treatment after treatment, SA after SA he’s played nice and made his wife happy but after this last failed IVF he dug his heels in, said that he wanted a choice too and started talking about when this journey was going to end. I get that, I understand that it had to happen because as much as this sometimes feels like it’s all about “us” (the female side of the relationship), it’s not. He gets tired too, he gets sick of watching me go thru failure after failure and each time getting so close but not close enough, he’s the one that picks up the pieces for me and it also makes it more difficult because he doesn’t want this as much as I do.
If I look at it now, I’ve been a bit of a brat. I need to be thankful that he’s still with me, he’s there to hold my hand and all he’s asking for is time and not for me to stop. We have time and I should be patient but that’s not always the point because it’s not always that plain and simple for us. There isn’t a waking moment that I don’t think about having a baby, that yearning doesn’t away. Those of us that decide to stop trying don’t stop wanting, what we do is try and make peace with our decision.
I think that these last seven months have been the hardest part of our journey, yes…when you hear that your IVF has failed that’s hard too but that pain subsides and you start feeling better even tho that feeling of loss is always there. The hard part is the certain feeling of resentment that I think we both have, I get angry because I want to get on with things even tho it scares me and the only reason we aren’t doing anything is because Frank has asked me to wait. He gets angry because I can’t let it go and so we’re always at eachother about it which makes for a very unhappy home.
It has to stop, we need to be more gentle with eachother, cherish the time that we have together now. Infertility is hard but like many things in life, it’s what you make of it. We can let it destroy us or we can fight it together, it’s been a long journey and we’re both tired. Instead of fighting infertility we’re fighting eachother and it’s not helping. I think we’ve come to some sort of understanding now, we’re trying to bring back some of who we were before infertility changed us.
It’s a slow process, these things don’t happen overnight but I think that the important thing to remember is that we’ve made it this far and we can do this if we try hard enough, we still love eachother dearly and that must count for someting. If we decide that this will not end our marriage then it wont.
We’re still going to see Dr V in June, we’re going to discuss our protocol; progesterone/estrogen injections apposed to Cyclogest & estrofem; HLA blood tests; IVIg vs Intralipids; Zift/Gift instead of IVF. We’ll also re-do all the necessary blood tests and book for a SA. If all goes well then I’ll start BCP in August sometime.
Here’s some pics of my munchkins: