Okay, so let me finish yesterday’s post.

The lady I went to is amazing, she knows stuff. I have never believed in fortune telling or the likes but this is different, I suppose you can call her gifted…like my “gift” of sensing when others are pregnant, her gifts are far greater and she is far more in-tune with these things.

I walked in and she told me that my aura is black, that I’m angry, frustrated, sad, withdrawing into myself…you get the picture. This was before I told her why I was there.

I lay down on the bed and she asked me some questions and I told her our history. The things she knew about me were amazing from how I’m keeping Frank from telling me how he feels by being too emotional, how my grandfather knew I was at his bedside when he died of alzheimers 6 years ago and how he’s still with me today. She aked me who Rose was, my only living grand-parent’s second name is Rose, she said that I need to go and see her.

She told me many things that make me believe she is legit. It’s freaky, I must admit but like I’ve said to friends, you take away from it what you need, none of it is bad. She asked me if I have a blocked tube on my right hand side, I said no. She said that there’s something not right “inside there” – I told her that my right ovary is damaged but she said it’s more than that. Now that I can believe. My cycles are all over the place and they used to be spot on, my periods have been strange too, I’m bleeding MUCH heavier than I used to, then on day 3 it’s stops completely only to carry on with spotting from day 4 to 7. Since my last IVF my cycles have been 30; 31; 27; 27; 28; 30; 32; 28; 26 with this last one being 32, I’m also having a lot more pain so yes, something is up. She told me not to worry and put some crystals on my tummy and a few other places.

I didn’t feel anything at first and then I started getting warm and my tummy started cramping (period pain like feeling) on my left hand side. I was hot for the rest of the week and had this pain until my period started this last saturday. Weird I tell you. She put crytals on my Chakra points and did some weird tapping on my head, spun the pendulum a few times and that is supposed to be the body alignment process which I suppose is different for everyone depending on you aura, chakra’s etc, we will all need different crystals for different “blockages”. You don’t really see everything she’s doing because your eyes are closed most of the time, she asks you to what comes to mind when she says certain things and what colours you see. Very similar to my Reiki experience but much more awesome, I felt like a new person when I left there!

She told me that I don’t need IVF. She told me that my “mother issues” are the reason I am not falling pregnant. She says I’m too scared to be a mother because I think that I’ll be like her and damage my children. She said I need to let it all go, the anger and the resentment….she said she’d help me and teach me how to do this.

I believe her. As many of you know, I have huge issues with my family, my mother in particular. I could never understand how life could be so bad and if it was then why were you willing to leave your children to do it alone, how my mother never understood that we needed her and thought we’d be better of without her, why she never loved us enough to want to stay. I’ve always thought that there should be more to a mother-daughter relationship that we had. I’ve always been scared that I wouldn’t be able to do this, that I’d never be able to be a Mom and that if I was, would I be better at it? She is not the first person to tell me this, I’ve been told this before but it’s not something I’ve wanted to believe because I’ve always thought that my desire to be a mother was so much stronger than my fear of being a mother.

It’s time to let it all go but it’s not easy, how do you wash away the pain….I’ve tried. I tried making it better but it will never be what I need it to be and so I stop, it’s too hard. It drains me like you wont believe and so I stop because I just can’t do it. I’ve come to the point were my family with exception to my sister isn’t really a part of my life anymore and when they are, I’m pushed back into this black hole of uncertainty, of feeling like I have nothing to offer. It’s a process and trying to figure it out is hard, I’ve thought so much about it over the last two weeks that I don’t know where to start….

I asked her if I’d ever been pregnant before, she said yes. I don’t know why I did this but I needed to know. I asked her when it was, she told me it was the beginning of last year and that I was 8 weeks and it was a girl….remember this. It’s so weird and maybe I shouldn’t have asked but I needed to know…she said that this little soul will come back, maybe not in the form of my first or second child but it will be in my life. I’d like that.

She went on to say that my baby is waiting to come down to me and that i wont need IVF, she even told me what the sex will be….

Now, like I’ve said. Take from it what you will and try not to judge, we all have different things that we believe in and right now whatever helps you cope is it. I feel better and for the first time in a loooong time I feel hopeful again, Frank and I will start some DIY cycles and see how it goes….