Introspection denotes reflection within one’s self, looking inward….
That’s what I’ve been doing lately, it’s taken a lot of my energy to focus on this. It’s been hard and it’s pushed me backward, back into my shell if you will. I’ve shed many tears and moments of wondering why I was doing this and if indeed I could. I even thought of going back on AD’s to help me cope, infact I have been advised by many closest to me to do just that but I’m standing my ground on this one because I need to FEEL this now, I need to feel the rawness of it all in order to start healing.
I’ve had many debates about the alernate healing thing that I went to, some are wondering if it’s done any good because it started off good and I was feeling on top of the world and then all of a sudden it all got very hard. Some are bringing faith into it and are wondering whether opening ourselves up to something that we don’t quite understand is good or bad, I have opinions on this but I think it’s a very personal choice and I do agree that this is not for everyone and maybe there are things in life that we aren’t supposed to know but there you have it and what’s done is done.
I’m not sure how I feel about all of this right now, I’m not in any kind of place to make a decision about it yet and so in the meantime I’m doing a lot of soul searching and trying to make some changes in my life. I’ve been forced to see my folks because of my gran being in hospital and it’s been hard but I think that it’s been the best thing for me, these things always come at time when you need them the least but it’s helped me work through some feelings that I have about my folks and hopefully I’ll be able to move forward soon.
I’m planning on changing the way I do things, I’m going on a ceramic course soon and so I’ll make that and the mosaics (which I’m loving) a hobby. I’m also going to be joining a yoga class which will help still my mind and hopefully my soul. I still have a certain amount of peace about having a baby, it’s not the first thing I think of nowdays – don’t get me wrong – I still want a baby very much but I don’t feel as desperate as I was because somehow I know that everything will be okay.
I got my period today, I wanted to skip out on the scan and just go on pretending that everything was okay and normal but Frank insists on me going for it so the he has “peace of mind” so that will happen tomorrow. I’m sure that everything will be fine and if it’s not well then I’ll book for another lap….I’m learning to let things go, I’m learning that my anger is no longer justified and can be dealt with. I’m learning that you can love someone and not like the person they are or the things they have done in the past, this past while has taught me a lot about myself – like that fact the living in denial only stops you from moving forward.
Seeing Sharon (alternate healer) helped me see all of this so I do think that it was good for me but I’m not ready for the next step yet….I also have to tell you that Frank and I are so happy and thing have settled nicely, there is a certain amount of peace in our home again and it feels good….