So….I went for the scan…..the “thing” is still there….

Office hysteroscope booked for this wednesday @ 11 – this is just to have a look so they can sorta figure out what we dealing with. Dr V is concerned about my strange cycles – says that he suspects the endo might be back, he also says that my strange bleeding pattern (which FYI is two days full heavy bleed, one day not a drop, one day light and then four to five days spotting) is probably a result of the growth which he thinks is a pollyp.

I think we can safely assume that Lap No. 5 lies in the near future, Dr V says that we might as well do a laparoscopy (to remove endo and check on everything else) and a hysteroscopy (to remove pollyp) which will probably be scheduled for next Tuesday….

How do I feel about this? Well, sorta pissed but it really doesn’t surprise me at all since this is the way things go for us, nothing is smooth sailing. I’ll be okay, I just need to get past this now and get on with things. At least once this is done we’ll have some time to try natrually since all this has done is made me more anti IVF or any sort of treatment. Frank and I spoke about things on Saturday, we’ve decided that there will be no treatment this year, nothing, niks, nada. We’re not ready and we’re enjoying being “us” again. Who knows, maybe our miracle is around the corner anyway!

To try and make me feel better, my wonderful hubby bought me this:

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It’s a Nikon D60 and I’ve been doing lots of this:

Pics

Sitting in VL on Saturday brought back so many feelings, feelings that both Frank and I have been trying to leave behind. Don’t get me wrong, we love VL – all the dr’s there are wonderful and we still hope that someday they will help us have our baby/ies but there is so much sadness attached to that place. I sat there thinking back to how we first felt when we sought a fertility specialist, it was soooo overwhelming but we were so hopefull. 3 looong years down the line, we’re less hopefull and so much more cynical and that’s why we’re not ready yet. I know that I will never feel the same way that I used to when walking in there but I need to ready.

It’s been quite a journey, this morning as I pulled  into work this song was playing and it made me think about where we are in our lives. We’re still on a journey and many have said, it’s not how you finish – it’s the journey….this song speaks volumes to me and many other infertiles out there. Girls, one day our journeys will end….

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith

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