How do you know when enough is enough? How do you decide that it’s finally time to throw in the towel and make peace with living a child free life?

I think it’s different for all of us, I think that only we will know when we’ve had enough and when we are truly ready to call it quits. It’s something I think about more and more nowdays and to be honest it does scare me because I never thought I’d see the day.

Not so long ago I went back to the beginning of this blog, to the days where I believed our very first IUI would work, to the days where I was so amazed at how many people there were at my fertility clinic because I couldn’t believe so many people had the same problem. I read back to the time we did our first IVF, the ups and downs on that and how I was so devastated when it failed but I bounced back so quickly, before I knew it I was hopefull again and believing that our FET would work.

I think that’s when it all started changing for me. My last IVF was so different to the first, mostly because we were so different. Last year this time was so very hard, things went all pear shaped with my family and they haven’t quite recovered, we were getting ready for an IVF when we discovered that Frank had a FSH problem that was affecting his sperm and so we had to wait 6 weeks, then we got Abi – started IVF and had her land up at the vet for 5 days on a drip, all this between stimms and retrieval. It was awful.

I find myself looking back, a year ago I was on the last of my stimms, in 4 days time I had my retrieval and it was really only then that I started to hope and believe that things could be different. I did that IVF with my eyes closed and my mind on other things because I was scared, because I knew then more than ever that we might get hurt again, it had happened before I just couldn’t believe like I used to.

You know the story, we had 100% fertlisation and I was over the moon, I got OHSS but I was okay with that because Abi came home and my embies were doing well. By day 3 we still had 13 out 15 going strong. On day 5 everything fell apart, we were left with 3 blasts and I fell apart, we were told that they were excellent, that they were sure we’d have a triplet pregnancy should be put all 3 back, with a heavy heart I decided to only put 2 back and it hurt more than anything I’d ever done, I felt like I was abandoning a blast that could one day be my baby, I felt so lost. I cried so when they put the two back, I was so sad in a time that I should have felt happy. I couldn’t hope anymore, I didn’t have it in me and for that I felt guilty because I should be hopefull for my little ones that had been but back into my waiting womb.

When that cycle ended a mere 8 days later I was numb and it only got worse from there. Frank and I were at eachother and all I wanted to do was another IVF, I just wanted to move on. I am thankful for my husband and ciprolex for helping me thru this because without those two life-lines I would have lost my mind. This last year of our journey has been the toughest by far, one would think that taking a break is easier than doing one fertility treatment after another but it’s not. What it does is force you to face your demons head on, there’s no more living in denial because you’re too busy moving forward to think about anything else. It’s in your face and there’s nothing left to do but deal with it.

I want to do another IVF, with all my heart but I’m too scared because I don’t think I can become more skeptical if I tried. How do you do something when you don’t believe in it anymore? I know that this time there’ll be IVIg or intralipids (depending on what the dreaded chromosome & HLA results say) but that hasn’t worked for some people either and then what?

So with all this tumbling around in my brain I have to wonder if it’s time to stop. Frank and I are so much better that I find myself wondering if life could be good forever without the thought of looming treatments. I wake up and hear our neighbours baby screaming her little lungs out and wonder if I’m still up for that. I look at children around me and have to be honest and say that other peoples children annoy me because my life is peaceful.

We are a family in my mind, we have Abi & Murphy and life is good…

I don’t know, in the back of my mind I do still believe that I’ll be a mom one day….I believe that it could happen on it’s own too but I often wonder how much more I’m willing to do to make it happen. Next week will be my 5th op, I’m 31 a week after that (I know I have time BUT this wasn’t the plan – telling me I have time is cold comfort). If I throw in the towel and go on the pill there will be no more of this but am I ready to do that? I wish I knew but what I do know is that this has been our lives for 5 long years now and we’re tired, we need a change on scenery and we have to draw the line somewhere.

I’m at the point where I’m willing to do another IVF sometime next year if our miracle doesn’t happen once I have a shiney & new uterus but then I know that should that one fail I’ll want to stop and as much I want to stop, I also don’t….oh the joys of an infertile’s mind.

While you’re at it, go by and have a look at this excellent post by Shaz, Bitchy Barbie…I think I’m there too!!

Advertisements