So, we had our follow up appointment with Dr V yesterday. To say that it wasn’t what I expected is an understatement of note.

Well then, what did I expect? I expected that Dr V answered all my questions that I had, which he did. I expected to make plans for future treatment and come away with a clear idea of what that treatment was going to be….

Dr V says the my uterus/pelvic area is perfect. My ovaries are perfect with no damage what-so-ever, my pelvis area where the endo from my last op’s has healed incredibly well. The spot that Dr V did remove and sent for biospy came back as nothing ie, not endo so he’s happy! Basically Dr V came back saying that I shouldn’t be there because:

  1. My uterus/pelvis is perfect
  2. I have perfect cycles
  3. We have an excellent stim reponse
  4. We have an excellent fert rate
  5. We had 7 blasts on day 5 with our last IVF, 3 fo which were transfer quality, according to Dr V, that is excellend for someone my age.
  6. Franks sperm is perfect
  7. Our HLA study and chromosome tests came back perfect, no problems at all so IVIg is not an option

So then what is the problem? Dr V says that I should be able to conceive on my own, he says that intralipids might do the trick since there might be a NKC (natural killer cell) issue, he says the GIFT and ZIFT are not an option for us because we aren’t good candidates for it. IVF with intralipids and injectable progesterone and estrogen support might do the trick but he’s not convinced. So basically we’re still in the unexplained infertility category here, not a nice place to be by any stretch of the imagination. So then, dear readers, you may ask…what is the solution?

It all seemed to be going well, I asked Dr V about trying on our own and he said go for it but that if I haven’t conceived by Dec then I should consider going on the pill – fair enough. He said tha he was willing to do another few rounds of medicated IUI’s if that’s what I wanted (since there isn’t really a need for IVF but it’s the most advanced and it does give us a better chance) but that IUI with intralipids has never been done since they aren’t sure when to give you the intralipid and that continueous use of intralipids (month after month) could be bad for you so they would only administer the intralipids once a pregnacy was acheived through IUI – that’s not going to help since our issues are around implantation so there goes that idea.

Dr V went on to say that he has a similar case to mine, basically they have no clue what’s happening here, they’ve tested all that they can test, fixed all that can be fixed and now the only thing they can medically think of is changing the womb. So Frank and I are sitting there and we must obviously be (even after all this time) so naive because we both said, “well, how do you do that?” – I thought…here we go again, another op. Yes, No…not that easy people!

Dr V looked at us and said…”A surrogate”

Well blow me down with a feather. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that this would be an option for us and even as I sit here and type this, it all feels like some sick joke, a bad bad dream. You know what it’s like, when travelling this road….you and your respective other talk about things like this (well we have) and I have in the past told Frank that should I have the choice between never having a baby or having someone else carry my child, I would use a surrogate but it’s one thing saying that it’s an option, it’s another thing being told that it’s reality.

It blows my mind. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to react, Frank sat there looking at me. My first reaction was, Oh my fucking word…this isn’t happening and I am still very surprised that I never burst into tears right there and then. Instead, I said…”well, we’ve spoken about this before but I never thought we would need it, it’s quite a thing to get your head around and I really would like to carry my own baby”

Dr V went on to tell me about a case that is very similar to mine. Everything is perfect, they did a few IVF cycles with perfect blasts/embryo’s with no hint of a pregnancy, with their last IVF with intralips they put two embryo’s back into the mother and two into a surrogate, the surrogate is pregnant with twins and the mother didn’t even get a positive pregnancy test. ‘

Okay, so I’m in denial here and I say, “/okay so we’ll do a IVF cycle with intralipids and then if that doesn’t work we’ll go from there?” Dr V says “why don’t you consider using a surrogate back-up, we put two in you and two in her, I know it’s a lot to process but think about it, it’s your choice?” He goes on to tell us that using someone we know will help keep the costs down but that they would have to be screened. We leave there with Dr V telling us to think about it and let him know when we’ve decided and we’re ready. I’m numb, it doesn’t feel real.

Frank and I go and have a cup of coffee, we chat about it and I get tearful, Frank says it’s my decision because I’m the one that’s always wanted to be pregnant, it’s never been about just having a baby for me, it’s about carrying it, bonding with it and feeling it grow and move inside me. I tell him that I have to get to work and since we’re in seperate cars we go our seperate ways. I sob all the way to work, I feel so empty and scared and I can’t believe what’s just happened.

I get to work, sit down and my desk and cry some more, my telephone rings and it’s my sister. She’s sobbing. My uncle (my dad’s youngest brother of 47) has just passed away. I tell her I’m coming to fetch her and I do. We go to the hospital, I cannot go in and see his body (he went in for nuemonia and just couldn’t recover), my aunt comes out and my heart breaks for her. They never had children, they couldn’t and he was too stubborn to get tested. She tells me that she doesn’t want to live without him and that he’s all she had, I cry because I can’t imagine losing my husband, I cry for her because she’s all alone and everything she’s ever known is now gone. I cry and my heart aches, I don’t know whether I’m grieving for Frank and I or her, I think it’s a bit of both and none of this seems fair.

I cried so much yesterday and today it all feels very surreal. I woke up this morning from a good sleep only to realise that nothing has changed. I can’t really talk about it and Frank and I haven’t spoken about it again, he says that we don’t need to decide now, everyone says that and I know it’s true, I need to wait and let the answers come to me but it’s like a black cloud and my heart feels so heavy. It was my birthday this week and it was wonderful compared to the uncertainty and pain of last year, I was finally feeling like I was in a good place and then this. I’m so tired of it all. We have a birthday bash planned with 18 of our nearest and dearest which we decided not to cancel, it felt weird because I have nothing to celebrate but Frank thought it was important for me to get out and I’m glad that we did. Here’s some pics, it’s amazing how a smile can make you look like you’re not dying inside….

Tam Birthday

And to Robbie, may you rest in peace. You will live forever in my heart…