I had a dream on the weekend. I dreamt that we did an IVF with a surrogate back-up. Two in me, two in her. She fell pregnant and I didn’t.

Instead of being happy that this was finally going to be over I was devastated at the thought of someone else carrying my babies. I’ve cried all weekend, I’m not sure which way is up right now.

Frank and I have decided to do some research. I need to contact some agencies and find out more about using a surrogate, the in’s and out’s of it and of-course how much it’s all going to cost. I know you can’t put a price on a baby but it’s all so much to take in. The only thing I can do right now is research and then we can go from there….

Thanks for all your love and support, all of you mean so much to me and I’m thankful that I have people that get how hard this is (even if you are in the computer)…

A year ago today we got the news that our IVF has failed, I thought we’d come a long way from there but today I find myself in the same place again with all the uncertainty and pain. Today, like I did last year I ask….

Dear God, you know my heart. My fears, pain and emptyness lie bare before you. By your Grace, please remove me from this unbearable cross, if not then please carry it with me….Amen