I’ve been wanting to post and update for a while and I feel like I have so much to say but I can’t really find the words. Let’s see what comes out…

Robbie’s funeral was awful but who’s isn’t? Altho it’s passed I keep on dreaming about death. On Monday night I dreamt that my Dad died, it was so awful and felt so real, I can remember that all I wanted was to make things right and tell him that I loved him one more time. Last night I dreamt about Robbie again….I dreamt that he was dead but that his body was still with us and my gran (his mother who passed away over 6 years ago) had to come back to say goodbye to him before his body could move on, next minute they were both alive but saying good-bye. It was so strange and in the midst of all of this I had this huge pregnant belly but had a plaster over my belly button because I was recovering from a lap. W.E.I.R.D I tell you!

The surrogacy thing has taken a back seat for now, I’ve done my research and you wont believe what surrogacy costs through an agency, it’s in the region of R180 000 – R250 000 depending on what kind of lifestyle your surrogate leads since you pay for her “living costs” while she is “with child”. The cost is completely laughable and I don’t know how anyone could afford that. I suppose you could go privately but we’re not comfortable with that. So unless we have some real offers that we could consider, it’s really not an option. I know that you can’t put a cost on a baby but it’s just not possible for us.

Our only option I suppose is doing IVF with intralipids. Dr V says that they don’t have stats on it but they do know that it does higher the chance for some people. He also says that he’s happy doing another IVF without a surrogate since we could get it right but he felt that we needed to know that it is a real option for people in our position. I suppose should that IVF fail, he would strongly recommend surrogacy….I’ve asked him loads of questions about freezing half my embryo’s and if our IVF doesn’t work then doing a FET with a surrogate but obviously that depends on what kind of batch you get from that round…and then of-course we’re back to the surrogacy thing that we can’t afford – again. Anyone getting dizzy yet?

So, as I was saying. No decisions have been made yet, the only thing I do know is that we’ve agreed to give it all we’ve got (so to speak) and try natrually for the next 3 months. I’m going back on a healthy eathing plan and try and lose some of the weight I’ve gained again, I’m also going back to reflexology. I’m thinking about trying Dr Solomon at Vitalab, who uses hypnotherapy to help deal with certain issues, such as mother issues and believing that you can’t do this…

Come Dec, if nothing has happened then I will be going on the pill. If we decide to do IVF again then it will be early next year. We’ve got so much on the go, we’ve sold our house and bought a new one, we’re waiting for all the paperwork to go thru and hopefully we’ll be moving house end Oct/Nov sometime so that should keep us busy.

It’s so funny how the universe throws things at you when you least expect them, I was feeling so much better about this baby thing, we we’re both in such a good place, finally it had stopped ruling our lives and now it feels like I’m back in that hole again, all this has done is remind of how much I want this and of-course how much it can all hurt. I don’t think we’ll ever have the answer but I just want to know, WHY?

Please go over and give my dear dear friend a virtual hug, she’s having a hard time right now and it’s just not fucking fair, please universe….we need to catch a break here!!! Dee sweetie, I know your heart is sore right now, please know that you are in my thoughts and I hope that you find peace soon.