It’s been a while since I blogged and today isn’t really because I have anything specific to say, it’s simply to see what comes out.
Last week our friends had thier baby, I can’t believe it’s been 9 months already. She’s beautiful. Frank wanted to go and see them and of-course I had to go with since it’s the right thing to do. I’ve never had a problem holding babies, in-fact I always do because it reminds me of how much I want this. Lately things are different. I can’t touch them anymore, I look at them from a distance because if they come near me I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack, my heart starts to beat all funny, I feel the back of my eyes burning with the sure sign of tears and I wanna run for the hills! This is concerning because people just don’t get it, they think that you’re being funny when you don’t offer to Koochie Koo over their little ones. I think I need help so I’m going to try and find someone to help me deal with this.
Everything baby related disturbs me nowdays, I’m not in a good place about it and it just feels like it’s getting worse. This whole surrogacy thing turned my world on it’s head and when I look at mothers and their precious little bundles, I wonder if I’ll ever do that. I wonder if I’ll ever go for the first scan and see my babies heartbeat and know that we have created life, I wonder if I’ll be the one in hospital after giving birth to my child, these visions haunt me.
I find myself thinking about doing treatment sooner, just because I have to know, I have to know if it’s going to work but i’m so far from ready it’s just not funny. We’ll stick to our plan of doing another IVF with intralipids early next year and hopefully then we’ll both be in a better place. I can see the restlessness in Frank, he’s changed. Frank was always on the fence about having children and always told me that it didn’t matter as long as he had me, it’s different now. I can see the anger in him now, he tells me that it’s unfair that we can’t have what others do because he thinks we’ll be good parents. It breaks my heart.
And if life wasn’t intersting enough. The sale on our house has fallen thru so we’re back to square one, if we don’t sell it soon then we’ll lose the other house, up until now I’ve thought that if it didn’t happen then maybe it just wasn’t meant to be but I’m so tired to thinking like that, so tired of trying to stay positive just because it’s better than getting angry!
I’m also quite unhappy in my job, I don’t want to do this anymore, it depresses me. I need to find something to do on my own, I’m over working for a corporate company. I’ve also done a lot of soul searching lately and this just isn’t what I imagined. I also can’t stand the thought of finally getting this baby thing right only to have to leave my child at 6 months and let someone share all the firsts with my child. I do know that we can’t have everything and that not everyone has it easy but there’s got to be something I can do to make this all work out….
Maybe if I think about it some more because sometimes, just sometimes….silence is the best answer.