I feel like I’m living in a fog lately. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I don’t know where to start actually because in my mind I never thought I’d be back here again. Back in a place that was so hard to leave behind and I was determined not to go back there again. But here I am.
I’m not even sure what started this off again, I think that maybe living in that lovely place called Denial did me no good. I haven’t really dealt with any of my feelings since our last appointment with Dr V, after the surrogate thing was “put out there” (as Dr V says it) I did some research and was shocked at the cost of the whole thing, that I think was the worst part for me. It’s one thing to give up the dream of carrying your own child, it’s another to feel like you’re paying someone to do it – almost like a day job.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that being a surrogate is the most selfless act, the gift of life is what it is BUT and this is a big BUT….maybe I haven’t dealt with the right people but let me tell you, from my side it seems like it’s a money making thing. I mean “living expenses” between R10 000 and R16 000 a month, give me a break will you?
I know i’m probably stepping on toes here because we all see this differently, hell – before I was in this boat my view of surrogacy was very different. It’s like many things in life, you can’t say how it feels until you there and now that I’m here, faced with this, I must say, I’m not responding to it as well as I thought I would because altho you can’t put a price on a baby…R250 000 is a lot of money any way you look at it.
All of the above, coupled with Shaz and Maritza’s news has made me fall off the wagon a bit. Frank and I are considering starting treatment in Jan/Feb next year and instead of being hopeful and excited, I’m so bloody scared. Sharon’s news shook my world, I was surprised at how hard it hit me to tell you the truth, I mean…we all make friends thru this, some bonds are stronger than others and we all feel for our fellow infertiles when things go wrong but this, this just made me so so sad and so angry at God (but that’s a whole different issue).
I think the fact the I hadn’t really dealt with the reality of my situation didn’t help either because while chatting to Sharon on Skype the day she got her bad news I started crying, because her pain was so raw and honest and it really hit home with me. I haven’t been the same since, I’m not in a good place at all. I feel like I did a few months ago, after our failed cycle. I don’t want to go out, I’m avoiding my friends, I’m so tired and so sad and so stressed. Now with Maritza’s news about her Nuchal scan, it makes me so so sad and I truly hope that it’s a horrible mistake and that those little miracles are perfect. I’m having a really hard time understanding why because all of this seems like a sick joke??
My MIL suggested going back on Ciprolex. I said no. I don’t want to be in this place again and admitting that I need anti-depressants makes me feel weak. Ciprolex is wonderful, I had no side effects what-so-ever on it and all it did was help me feel human again. I don’t know what to do. The thing about AD’s is that they do make you feel better but while you’re feeling better are you really better? You don’t deal with any issues because you don’t feel the need to. I’m in two minds here because while I want to do this without AD’s but I don’t know if I can.
Frank suggested going to see someone again but I don’t want to do that either. I’m all for therapy and I do believe that it works but I just don’t feel like it now, maybe it’s being silly because I know I need to talk about my feelings but talking about them is so hard because it makes this all very real for me.
Annnnnd while I should be hopeful for our cycle in Jan because we’re doing intralipids and they seem to be doing the trick for many people, I’m scared because what happens if it doesn’t work, if it doesn’t work then it would mean that Dr V was right and that we need a surrogate and I don’t know how I’m ever going to do that.
My minds a mess and this is coming out all over the place. The house, that’s all moving along now, we’ve signed with the lawyers and everything should go thru in the next four weeks. I’m happy with that but it also feels like a “hurry up and wait” thing, my whole life feels like that at the moment.
The only thing that keeps me sane are Abi and Murph, my little ones that I love love love so much. Frank too is such a sweetheart and he’s trying very hard to understand my needs right now.
Here are some pics of my sweethearts as promised: