I’m feeling 10 times better then when I last posted. I don’t know what’s happened, one day if felt like my world was falling apart and the next day I was fine. Like a switch.

I’m trying not to think too far into the future, right now the focus is on the house, so much to do. It’s stressful in some ways but it’s a good stress I suppose.

We had our halloween book club on Friday night and what a ball we had. This group of girls are so so awesome, we’re all walking different paths right now but the end goal is the same. I got to speak to Anne, she was a surrogate for her best friend, what an amazing women. She did it out of pure love,  she had twins and told me her side of it, totally amazing I tell you. I am so thankful for the friendships that we have gained thru our journeys, I really do hope that they last a lifetime!!

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Then the next night, I dreamt that my cousin had a baby. This baby was beautiful and I was so in love with her. Holding her in my arms was like it was meant to be. I was so confused because she looked like I expected my baby to look and the love I felt, Oh boy! Next thing she tells me that she’s mine, she carried her for me. Weird! That dream made me realise that the thing I’m scared of the most is not bonding with my baby if I don’t carry it and that my friends is nonsense. I will but we’ll cross that bridge if we get there, for now it’s being put to bed and I have every hope that our next IVF will work!

On that note, my very very special friend Sam, took her last BCP today. I am so so excited for her. She starts shooting it up on Friday already. I know know know in my heart that this is going to be it for you sweets. Please go and wish her luck!!!

On a different note. Sharon posted this on her blog yesterday:

Its been 10 months since this photo was taken way back in January. On some levels it feels like a life time has past, on others, it feels like its been a blink of an eye.

A Year Of IF Treatments

Between the 8 of us, we have amassed a number of timed, medicated cycles, two IUI’s, 8 IVF’s/FET’s/GIFTs, 2 donor egg cycles, about R500 000 and an immeasurable amount of heart ache and heart break with very little joy. Out of the 14+ cycles in the last 10 months,  represented by us women here only 4 resulted in positive pregnancy tests and of the 4 only one has resulted in a pregnancy that past the 12 week/first trimester mark and 3 resulted in first trimester miscarriages and one in the loss of a triplet. And yes for the person who is incessantly googling “Maritza from Fertilicare pregnant with triplets”, that would be our friend Maritza who lost one of her triplets.

Of the 8 of us, one is still pregnant, 3 will have to use donor eggs, one of us has been told to use a surrogate and two of us have given up completely on treatment, two of us are pursuing adoption and one has chosen to live child free.

What a devastating statistic. So little success, so little joy after so much hard work, pain, sacrifice and discomfort. When I look at the stats all layed out like that, I can’t help having peace with my choice not to continue on with treatment.

When I look at that photo, my heart is overwhelmed by sadness, when I see the smiles on our faces I marvel at what an incredibly brave bunch of women we are, but I am crushed by the difficult hand we’ve been dealt. My 7+ years of infertility has taught me that the longer one seems to try the less chance there seems to be for success. Its always the younger women, the ones who haven’t been trying as long that lap us at the finish line. In this group of women, there is one who has tried for 10 years, one who has tried for 7 & a half years, one who has tried for over 6 years and so it goes down. Its interesting that the ones that have given up are the ones who have been trying for 6 years and upwards. Just between the 3 of us, we have more tha 23 years of TTC combined!!!!!

Yesterday, Monday, 2nd of November was supposed to be my first antenatal visit, I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. I can’t help but think about all the could have/should have beens. Not just of what yesterday should have been but of all the could have/should have beens that I see masked in the smiles of my infertility sista’s eyes.

And it makes me extremely sad.

This post really struck a cord with me. It upset me a bit if I have to be honest because stats are stats. It’s all the truth. This bunch of girls has been dealt a shitty shitty hand but I don’t think it’s over. We are so much more than this and I think that there is still a huge amount of hope. Yes, it’s changed us, there is no doubt about that at all. None of us are the same as we used to be, we’re more cynical and a bit more jaded but I refuse to go down that road, I refuse to let it destroy me because if I don’t have hope then what do I have?  I have to believe that one way or another this will all end, that we will all hold babies in our arms and that for once we will be on the other side of the stats. Please God.

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