You know, after almost 5 years of this shit, 5 years of lessons, 5 years of thinking that our luck will change, 5 years of “oh fuck, why didn’t I think of that?”, I still amaze myself when I’m surprised when things go wrong.

Remember this? Our last IVF had to be postponed because Frank’s SA was questionable. It turned out that his FSH was low and we also found out that cycle that it had been low the time before too. Frank had to do 6 weeks of menopur shots prior to our IVF, he had to stay on them while I was stimming aswell. So, please ask why I never thought that the same thing was necessary this time? Hell, beats me. I just never thought that it would be??

How did we figure this out? It was by fluke actually. I totally forgot that Frank had that problem last time, so I suppose it’s not all bad this time – at least it’s not a few days before I start stimms this time :-/ Frank went for a full medical, it costs a bloody fortune – this guy basically scans your whole body, checks absolutely everything. Does a full blood panel on everything too. His mom wanted him to go since his Dad had cancer years ago and I think she’s just scared – but I digress.

Frank got his results back this week. There are a few issues but nothing serious, the one thing that did stand out was the fact that his testosterone and DHEAS is low. So this Dr prescribed a certain diet, DHEA and an injection called Nebido every12 weeks. Okay, some of that makes sense. He’s happy. Then I think, maybe I should check with Dr V first since I was going to start the pill any day now.

I mail Dr V, he says – under no circumstances should he take the Nebido. It apparently will increase Frank’s testosterone but decrease the spermatogenesis which obviously is counter-productive. He says that Frank needs go on 6 weeks of Menopur prior to our  next attempt. Lovely. Of-course I mail him back asking if Frank shouln’t have his FSH tested first, he says yes but I know it’s probably just a formality. I flip

I cry, I tell Frank that I’m scared to do this all over again. I tell him I’m not sure if I want to do this and true to form, Frank is calm. He tells me that he’ll do whatever I want and that going on the injections isn’t that big a deal. It doesn’t help me at all because I still feel like it’s my decision, I almost want someone to decide for me but that’s not how this works.

I think it’s everything, the move has been stressful, we’re settling nicely but stress always seems to hit after the stress is over. There’s also been so much bad news lately. A dear friend of mine lost her 3rd pregnancy two weeks ago, it was very hard. Last week, sweet Sam’s IVF ended with a chemical pregnancy. It’s all so hard and close to home and all it does is remind me of how shit this all can be and then I just want it all to stop. I want to pretend that this isn’t our life and live in the world where I know I still have options.

To me, this IVF feels so final. Knowing I can do this IVF and that there is still hope with it feels like my safety net, it feels like that glimmer of hope so far away. I think the reason (amongst many) that I keep putting this off is because I know that it’s there, if I do this IVF and it fails, I’ll have nothing left. So i toy with the ideas in my head – I want to do this because it could mean a baby but I also don’t want to play around. I’m tired. I want my FS to do the most aggressive thing he can do and that is G.I.F.T

We’ve spoken about this before, at our dreaded last appointment where the whole surrogacy thing was brought up. Stephan says there are too many risks with me. I’m too young. I have too good blasts blah, blah, blah. If our next IVF doesn’t work, he will suggest G.I.F.T because I’ll tell him that surrogacy is not an option for us so we might as well go straight for gold. Yes?

But then that scares me too because what happens if I’m wrong, what happens if I stuff this up and end up with a high order multiple pregnancy and put my future babies in danger? Intralipids could be what I need, they could be the key to all this but in order to find that out I have to spend R40 000….

So as of today, I haven’t decided what I want to do. I need to chat to my FS again, play around with some ideas. Frank needs to get his results back and then we’ll go from there. The one thing I have decided is that I wont be starting the pill this week, once we have Frank’s results we will set a date for when he starts his shots. He needs to do them for six weeks before a SA is performed – I will time my stopping the pill for the same week and we’ll go from there. We just need to get thru Christmas, Christmas is a hard time for me and altho this sounds like a feeble excuse if I say so myself, early next year will be a better time for all of this.

I feel so weak for letting the fear consume me, for making me put this all off again. I want this so much, I want a baby at the end of all of this, I just hate this process, I hate the way it makes me feel – almost like I’d rather keep putting this off than live with another failed IVF because I’m not sure my heart can take it again.

Amongst all this sadness and confusion, there shines a light. Sharon and her hubby have been chosen by a birth mom, their little miracle is due next week. I am so happy for them both, she finally gets to be a mom for Christmas!! Go and share some love with her….