I know, I know….it’s been a while.
Christmas has passed (thank goodness for that) and so has new year. I can’t believe we’re here already. Christmas was hard, I hate saying this becuase I never thought I’d feel this way, Christmas has been hard every year since we started TTC’ing, every year my wish has been the same, every year for 5 years in a row I’ve hoped that next Christmas will be different, this year I was different and I feel like I’ve become to hate christmas and all the fuss, I just want to be left alone and I don’t want to pretend to be happy and hopeful.
New year – I slept through the end of 2009, right into 2010. The end of 2009 wasn’t worth celebrating and neither was the beginning of a new year. Frank and my sister sat up and drank champagne, I wasn’t in the mood. I used to be all bright eyed and bushy tailed thinking about all the promises that this new year held, but this year I felt nothing. I hate that it’s come to this, I hate how jaded and cynical I have become but I just don’t see the world with those rose coloured tinted glasses anymore. I know that pain that hope holds and while I say that, a small part of me is hopeful but it’s definately not the same.
It doesn’t help that Frank and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye about when to start treatment. The stress of everything has been too much I think, Frank has this mental block when it comes to treatment nowdays, he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. Talking about it changes the mood and I don’t like it, I can’t blame him really. He can’t stand what it’s done to us, he can’t stand the glimmer of hope he always sees in my eyes only to “have to pick up the pieces” when it’s all over.
Having him say that has been hard, having him tell me that was hard because it makes me feel so guilty for wanting this and that makes me angry because it’s all so unfair. This is what we are supposed to do, we (as girls) are raised taking care of things like baby dolls, it’s instilled in us from a young age that we are meant to have a family to nuture and yet no-one understands our pain when we can’t do it. I know it’s not my fault and no one is to blame but I’m the one that pushes for it and I’m so tired of doing that alone. Sometimes I think that I can do it, that I could live child-free because stopping all of this might just be easier than carrying on but I know deep down in my heart that I’m not ready and I don’t want Frank’s resistant to treatment to be the reason we stop because as harsh as this sounds – I don’t want to have him to blame one day.
Men are different to us, most of them aren’t paternal at all. They don’t have this need that drives them. I understand that, I understand that it’s not easy to watch your wife fall apart time and time again BUT I think that Frank wants this more than he’s willing to admit, I know that when they put our baby in his arms oneday he will be thankful that we didn’t give up.
I’ve even raised the adoption option with him, because his resistance is definately to the treatment, getting closer to treatment sends Frank into caveman mode – he wants to run into his cave and hide. He said No, which broke my heart even more because I just don’t know anymore. He has his reasons, reasons we both agreed on when we started this journey, reasons that made sense to me then but make no sense at all to me now.
So in a nut-shell, things have been a bit difficult. The funny thing is, if we don’t talk about babies/treatment we are fine, like two normal people who love eachother very deeply but right now my mind is in treatment mode and his, well….it isn’t.
I’ve told him that I’ll wait until April the latest for him to sort out his thoughts. He needs to make peace with how he feels about all of this. I’m not doing this anymore, I’m not going to push and push and push, I just can’t. The plan in my mind is to stay on the pill for two more rounds, Frank will do 6 weeks of menopur somewhere in between that and I’ll start stimms somewhere between March and April. We’re doing this GIFT this year, I’m not putting this on hold anymore. Part of me is scared and that also made it easier to agree to wait but either it’s going to work or it’s not and we’ll go from there but for now, it’s just to get to do it.
So with that, I wish you all the very best for 2010, may this year bring you and yours more than your heart desires.