Today was CD2 and it came really fast, we decided to finish the pill on Sunday – simply because I forgot to take it on Monday. We figured that AF would come in around 3 or 4 days making it only a few days earlier than planned. AF came in two days and is here in a rather painfully full force (Dr V says this is normal since I only had surgery last week).

Frank had his SA today, we still don’t know the results but I am sure that everything is perfect since the menopur normally does the trick. I had a baseline scan this morning (everything nice and quiet and looking good) and then E2 & Prog baseline aswell. I shot up my first lot of Gonal in the bathroom at VL – lovely stuff I tell ya!! They then put me in a chair and gave me my intralipid to start warming up. There were 4 Egg retrievals and two couples waiting to do transfer. I could see that they were new to the whole IVF game, not knowing how full your bladder should be, whether to be nervous or not and again – I felt that sense of loss for us. I told them that the fuller their bladder the better, this normally makes for a smoother transfer, the one lady was very nervous – I told her that this was the easiest part of IVF – transfer is nothing compared to all the other stuff that goes along with this and once it was done she agreed. The other lady asked if I was there for transfer aswell, I said “No, we’re doing GIFT” and was met with a blank stare – I left it there, I shared our story with none of them because I think it’s only fair that they hold onto their hope, I’ve never wanted to be one of “those” women, the one that scares people by telling her story, the one that no-one wants to be like.

At 9:30 the finally started my intralipid drip. It looks like a bag of milk. My blood pressure was good all the way thru, I wasn’t happy with the nurse putting the drip in my hand since it really hurts there but my veins aren’t that co-operative so it was really a no-brainer. The intralipid feels weird going in, I can’t say it’s very sore but it is definately not the nicest feeling in the world either – as long as it and your arm are kept warm it feels better, if it hurts to much they turn it down and it goes in slower. The worst part was about 15 minutes from the end when my drip stopped dripping (there was an air-lock or something) and they had to fiddle with the needle in my hand, when that didn’t work they got another syringe and needle and drew liquid out and pushed it back in until it started going again, they had to do this twice and that was so bloody sore since they actually pull the liquid so that it comes out your vein again which causes bleeding in the drip. I was not happy with this and while Frank reached for my hand I started crying. I think it’s a mixture of everything, the fact that we’re really doing this again (I don’t really know how I feel about it yet), being in VL and actively doing something towards making a baby coupled with sitting in a chair for 2 and a half hours, I think the fiddling with the drip was the last straw.

I think the worst part of the intralipid comes afterwards, it gives you a flu like feeling all over your body, every single muscle is sore, if something was sore before you had it then that feels worse too (ie, hectic period pain becomes really really sore!), you also get a very sore head. They have instructed me to not take anything stronger than panado so there’s not really much you can do, apparently tomorrow will be better. The only thing that makes it all worth while is the thought that maybe this will bring us our baby.

So, it’s 3 amps Gonal F until Monday. I go in for a scan on Tues which will be day 6 of stims and then we’ll change to 3 amps Menopur and cetrotide. I normally stim for about 10 days so we’ll see if this time is the same. GIFT will be here before we know it, the stimming process goes so quickly once you start.

My thoughts on this are all over the place right now, neither here – nor there. I think it’s because we’ve been on such a long break and have been planning this cycle for so long that it almost doesn’t feel real, I’m sure it will once my ovaries start complaining next week tho! I want this to work more than anything but the reality is that once you’re so far down this road, you get scared to have too much hope. But right now, it’s one day at a time…

I bought this the other day, it’s a willow tree angel, it’s called Angel of mine and the inscription says “So loved, so very loved” and I know that doesn’t need any explanation. I decided to buy this one instead of the pregnant one because being pregnant isn’t the end goal right now – holding our baby in my arms is. I actually want to weep looking at it, I have put in in our lounge so that I can look at it all the time, so that I can be reminded of the reasons I need to try and stay hopefull…

Here’s a pic of Frank and I the day after our anniversary, excuse the double chin, I need to remember not to lean back like that for photo’s!! 

That’s it from me, next update soon….