I’ve been trying to find the words all day. The truth is that there are none because it’s over. It’s the end of a very long and hard journey.

Our beta came back zero, not 5, not 10, not even 1. Fucking zero.

I’m confused, I am angry, my heart is broken into a million peices. How could I have been so wrong? Why didn’t I listen when they said I couldn’t do it? How could this happen again? Does anyone have the answers for me?

This feeling of utter emptiness doesn’t change, the feelings of loss for our future children and the plans we made in our heads are the same too, as are the ones of complete failure. This time is no different from the times before, this time however has such a finality to it that I don’t know which way is up. I’m slowly sinking in a whirlpool of emotions, trying to figure out how I really feel.

Frank is being such a honey, he’s cried with me because this time felt so different, this time felt so right, so real. This morning we were discussing just how much today would change our lives, how today would be the beginning of a new journey but it was not to be.

Maybe it’s time to accept that this is my lot in life, maybe this is just the way it’s meant to be, just the two of us and our dogs. Maybe it’s time to read the writing on the wall and throw in the towel, to put an end to all this madness. I can’t kid myself anymore, it’s very clear now that I cannot do this, no matter how the dr’s try to help me do it, my body just wont, it is incapable of giving me the thing I want the most in this life.

Frank reminded me that we still have 3 frozen embies left, I told him that they weren’t putting them near me. I can’t do this. He told me that we would make a plan, sort something out, I love that man so for believing when I can’t.

Our follow up appointment is on the 19th with Dr V, I already know that he’s going to say. We’ve tried everything now with not a hint of success to speak of. He’s going to bring up surrogacy again. I feel so cheated, so angry that I can’t do this, my body is such a failure to women-kind and I told Frank that I would understand if he didn’t want me anymore, if he wanted someone that could give him children because I am so broken, he told me that it’s not my fault and that we are in this together, it’s very sweet but that doesn’t make me not broken. I wanted to carry my own children, I wanted to feel them grow inside of me and experience that which so many women take for granted, making a life.

I can not explain the feelings of loss right now, not only has our best chance at success failed – with it goes the dreams I’ve always had of carrying a baby, with it comes the end of a journey, a very hard, long and sad one. I know I could carry on regardless because no-one ever knows, there are people that have done double what I have to acheive success but right now that feels like throwing my heart and endless amounts of money into a never-ending well of sadness.

Where to from here, I don’t know. All I know right now is that I am finished, in more ways than one. I can’t do it anymore, I need time for my fragile heart and mind to heal, to process what it is I want out of this life now. I need to grieve the loss of all these things. Thank you to all of you that have “held  my hand” thru this journey, I really wish that it could have been different.

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