It’s been a while, I know. I haven’t had the words really so what’s the use?

I’m on the mend, in fact some days my life seems happy & normal and I feel like my heart has healed from it’s latest break and then I see a pregnant women or a new born baby and I am reminded that I would be 18 weeks pregnant by now and almost half way to my dream coming true and I can feel that emptiness creep into my heart…

I have to be honest and say that I had some mixed feelings from the comments on my last post. I was in a bad place, trying to make a decision that my heart and my mind were so not ready for. I find myself in a place where I want answers/suggestions/some way to make this easier but at the end of the day only I can decide the way forward. I’ve come to a point where peoples comments/thoughts on this don’t actually help me anymore because until you are in this you cannot possibly understand the depth of it all (more in real life so please don’t shoot me).

As infertiles we have a plan in our minds, we have a rope that we let out and pull back when we feel unsure or out of our comfort zone, we all have a limit as to what we are prepared to do and how far we are prepared to go for this to end happily. My ideals have always been very ridgedly set from the start and that’s just me, I can be my own worst enemy by doing this because you would think after 5 years of this shit I would learn that nothing is set in stone, that our ideals need to change and revolve around the situation we are in at the time.

I have always said that the end goal wasn’t just a baby for me, I wanted the whole package: Pregnancy of a genetic child (both mine and Franks) and while that might seem small minded, we are all different. I always said that I would consider surrogacy before donor or adoption because of genetics and as Frank recently put it “a legacy to leave behind”.

Surrogacy is a whole new can of worms and I was open to it, until I was faced with it. Being faced with it made me feel ill, in fact the more I thought about it, the more I felt  cheated because I knew that I would be giving something very important (in my mind) up and that made me angry because as infertiles we already loose so much. The more I thought about it and tried to make sense of it, the more I was reminded of the fact that my case was different to a lot of others that are faced with surrogacy. I HAVE all the things I need to make a baby, my uterus is intact and there really should be no reason that I cannot do this. I think that my lovely Dr is trying to help me to get to that happy ending, I love him for that but I do think that we are jumping the gun here.

I have decided after seeing a very dear friend battle the in’s and out’s of surrogacy that it’s not something I want to do. I just doesn’t sit well with me, it never has and while many of you are probably thinking that I’ve lost my marbles because this should be an easy decision since at the end of the day “it’s about having a baby”, not the pregnancy…..for me it is.

This hasn’t been an easy decision but a wonderful friend of mine has reminded me that I can carry on, that many many countless women try over and over again and only get it right after 4 or more fresh cycles, I’ve done my research she’s right. Granted, those of us that have recurrent implantation failure are normally a small % and there are many women that get it right sooner and then of-course there are those that never do.

Frank will do whatever I want, he’s told me that he knows I’m not ready to stop despite my “fuck this shit, I’m finished” tantrum after last cycle. He told me that he’s know’s I wont be complete without this and he’s also decided that he wants/needs this too and that conversation was where the leaving behind a legacy part came from (meaning he wants part of him left behind).

I’m toying with a few ideas here, I’ve decided that I am willing to give up on genetics on my side since that might mean that I am able to still carry the baby and it will still be my blood that gave it life. Without me, it would not be ~ but not yet. I want to do our FET, we have 3 beautiful embies on ice – we’ll mix things up a bit and add cortico-steriods and fragmin and Intralipids again. Should our FET not work, we’ll go from there. I’ll probably do another fresh cycle before looking at donor.

I do believe in my heart that this journey will end happily, I choose believe because without that I have nothing….right now, this is me, except for the fact the my decisions are so much harder, if only life was this simple: