So, I know I’ve left you hanging a bit. Things have been a bit hectic and are finally starting to settle so I thought I’d update you on how we got this miraculous, long awaited BFP!

So, this last year was one of the hardest we’ve had to face since trying for a baby. I was in a bad bad head space hence the absence from this blog, I needed to just live for a while and try and decide what it was that I wanted out of this life and my marriage. I was starting to think that maybe living child free was a good option. My marriage was on the rocks, like never before and as I look back now, I wonder how we made it thru.

Two of my closest friends fell pregnant within 2 weeks of eachother and while I was so happy for them, it rocked my world and made me put more thought into whether we (more me than Frank) were ready to call it quits. Seeing them go thru a process that we have all tried to get to for so long was amazing, to see how it changed and healed them was something I could not comprehend. Our friendships have become even stronger thru this because we were always honest. They knew what it was like to be on the other side of this and were very considerate with my feelings. But while this was all going on I was still in denial about my own process, being happy with loving their little miracles and making peace (so I thought) with my child-free existance.

Over a year had passed since my GIFT, I had gone onto the pill again (last year already in a way to preserve my sanity and my marriage) and refused to go off it. Frank kept on bringing up our FET and I kept telling him that I wasn’t ready, that I just couldn’t face doing treatment again because I couldn’t pick up the pieces of our lives after it failed again. I got good at living a child free life, I started driking a lot, partying a lot and doing all the things that having children would stop me from doing, I was loving life and every time babies entered my mind they were pushed out very quickly.

Sam (beautiful Sam) started on my case about my FET, as usual she helped me work thru a lot. So I had her and Frank on my case, much fun I tell you. Eventually I gave in and contacted Dr V, told him that I wasn’t going the surrogate route (I think he must have rolled his eyes). He told me to come in to check that everything was okay. I went in and lo and behold I had a polyp, what a surprise that was *snigger, snigger*

I can not tell you how I cried on that table, I was so sick of everything being hard and all this did was remind of why I had stayed away so long. I was even more convinced that I was wasting time and money on doing this again, but the embryo’s were there and all I wanted to do was get it over with and get on with life. Dr V scratched his head once again since I had now been on the pill for 7 months and that is supposed to stop Polyps, he should know by now that my body never does what it’s supposed to do. He managed to get the Polyp out by pulling it loose using the hysteroscopy tool, holy crap – I nearly pee’d myself on that table!

I went back the following month to check that all was okay in there and this time I cried tears of Joy, time to get the show on the road. Um, no….Dr V does not want to do a natural cycle. I insist on Cortico Steriods, he says yes but then he gets to choose the protocol, I say…hey, whatever dude.

So, we do a long estrogen priming protocol, the one that he would use for a surrogate. He puts me on Lucrin Depot and estrapause, I so the Lucrin on CD2 and start the estrapause on CD 3 (two a day for a few days, 3 a day for a few days and then 4 a day) I only scan on CD19 of my cycle and all looks good, carry on with estrapause and on CD22 I start Gestone. CD23 embies are taken out and I do intralipds. CD24 we do transfer of three beautiful embryo’s and I start Meticorten, Clexane, Ecotrin, Folic Acid and stay on the estrapauase end Gestone, by now if you shake me I rattle.

On transfer day, Dr V calls me in. As usual he scratches his head and I panic. He tells us the we are the “anomoly” in the clinic, I say “Oh Shit, what now?” He tells me that he just can’t understand this, as always I make the most beautiful embryo’s but he can’t get me pregnant. I joke and say that maybe he’s putting them in the wrong womb. So not only did my embryo’s survive the thaw, they (according to Dr V) look like fresh embryo’s. Out of the 7 cell & 2 x 8 cells we started with we have a compacting blast, a 12 cell and a 9 cell so we put them all back. This time transfer was different, I was calm and I never shed a tear. I felt different, almost at peace that what happens happens. Off we went to start the 2ww and life carried on as normal.

A few days after transfer I started getting hectic back pain, just would not budge, the most awful period pain that I was convinced that AF was coming. I was waiting for the sore boobs which I always always get, never got them (which apparently for me was a good sign since sore boobs always meant my prog was starting to drop and now that I’m pregnant I realise that the sore boobs I always got were very different from pregnant sore boobs). I walked into the kitchen at work a few days before my test and said to the cleaning lady “oooh, what’s that nice smell?”, she turned to me and looked at me like I was crazy “it’s dometos” she says. It was then that I thought the backache and that had to mean something but my mind was reeling, FET’s don’t work…or do they??!

The day before my test I felt sick to my stomach, but I thought that it was just nerves. We went into the clinic the next morning at around 10am, I had taken the day off but I was in no hurry for this result. We had our bloods and off we went to go have breakfast. It took over an hour for them to phone and I was convinced it was bad news, time to prepare myself for what I knew was coming.

At 11:45 they phoned. I will never ever forget that phone call. Christina asked where I am, I say down the road. She says….”Well, please come back cos you need extra meds” I say…whaaat?, she says “You’re pregnant”. I scream and instantly start to cry. Frank stops that car in the middle of no-where and comes around the car….he’s saying “get out, get out” while I sit and sob. I get out and we both stand there crying.

We go back to the clinic and my beta is 1073, “holy crap” I say. It’s 13 days past transfer (plus 2 for when the embies came out) and that beta is high. Dr V comes to see me and hugs me, he tells me that he’s sure there are two sets of eyes in there and I couldn’t be happier. He tells me that he thinks the difference here is that we didn’t stim, that we prepared my lining differently. Now for those of you out there that have recurrent implantation failure like me, take note. Apparently stimming can change your lining, so your lining may look awesome but it’s not. So, in cases like mine FET’s work better. So if we ever did this again, we would stim…do ER and freeze, then prepare lining in the next cycle and transfer. At the end of the day who knows what made the difference, it could be that, it could be all the meds we were on, it could just be that it was time.

We were in 7th heaven, 2nd beta at 19dpo was 3083 so looking good for twins still, third beta however changed everything. 21dpo beta was 4352, I get a call from the clinic saying that my beta doesn’t look right, it’s growing but not like it should. Of-course you panic but Dr V says he’s not worried yet because we put three back and he thinks that the third one is coming away and that it will pick up again, come back in two days. I go back on 23dpo and it’s 5279. Fuck. Dr V says, come in on Monday for a scan.

At this point I am in my 5th week, that is the scan that you see on my BFP post. All this scan serves to do it reassure us that it’s not ectopic and that there is a sac and a fetal pole which there was. It is confirmed here that there is only 1 – I am to return on the following monday for another scan, no more beta’s. Dr V thinks that there were three, that one stopped and then the other one which would def mess with the numbers.

On the following Saturday, in the early hours of the morning I go to the loo and I’m bleeding. I go back to bed without telling Frank and try to sleep. In the morning I tell him that i’m bleeding, that look on his face kills me. Dr V says to go in. We go for a scan, 6w3days and we see a beautiful beating heart. Dr V doesn’t want to fiddle because of the bleeding so he doesn’t measure or anything, my next scan is Friday @ 7w2d. The spotting carries on until wed.

We go for our official scan on the friday, Dr V finds the second sac, much much smaller than our growing bub. My heart sank a little seeing it and knowing for sure that it was growing but I am overwhelmed with the beating heart of my little Peanut @ a good 150bpm. Measuring right on track for 7w2d. It’s still early days and I’m just passed 8 weeks now, I have my final scan @ Vitalab next week friday and then again at 12weeks at a gynea. My body is telling me that i’m pregnant everyday which is reassuring, the morning sickness is the worst thing but I’m happy to take it cos it tells me it’s all okay. I watch in awe as things change so fast with my body and my mind.

Frank asked me the other day if it was all worth it, all the heartache and the tears…I replied…..”Without a doubt”.

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