You know, I have to admit that before I fell pregnant, I never quite understood how it would feel. I always knew that I would love this baby with all my heart, what I didn’t understand is how soon that happens and the depth of it.
I will be honest here, for a women like me who suffered unexplained infertility where “implantation failure” seemed to be the only conclusion, I never understood what a miscarriage would feel like. Let me tell you that many many times all I wanted was to know that I could actually do it, back then anything other than zero on that beta would have given me hope. I always said to Dr V…”you know, even if we just got it a little bit right, I would feel better”
Being pregnant, seeing my babies heart beating on that scan has changed everything for me, the thought of losing this little soul became the worst thing imagineable to me. I was talking to a friend of mine who has had 3 miscarriages between 8 and 12 weeks (so after she had seen the heartbeat on a scan) and I told her that only now could I begin to imagine the depth of her pain. Before that I have sympathy for her but it wasn’t the same, she was very sweet about it and said “Tam, you need to remember something here, we all go thru things that other people will never understand until they are there” and she is so right. Like she doesn’t know what it’s like to try with fertility treatment time and time again and get nothing for it, I DO.
This life can be so cruel. We all have our own crosses to bear, all our experiences are different. Infertility for me isn’t always infertility for you, there are different reasons that we are infertile, different treatments. Some of us have to go thru so much more than others and even if we have been thru the same, we all deal with things differently because we are all different. I can not understand your pain and you can’t understand mine. This is how life works.
The years of infertility made me so jaded, my view of life and many other things became blurred. Those of you that have been there will understand that this happens even if we try hard to fight it, infertility changes us, it’s changes our relationships with people, it changes everything. Being pregnant hasn’t cured me, I will always carry that with me because it’s who I am. I never want to be that person that forgets how hard it can be for those still trying or for those that have chosen a different path to mine.
I have always been honest on this blog, when I never had anything to say, I didn’t say it and when I did then you all knew about it. You have all seen my pain, my unsureness, helped me make some decisions, helped me thru so very dark days and you have seen my joy when a cycle went right and my eggs fertalised. This joy is different now.
Apparently there’s something called “survivors guilt”, I can’t get my head around that. It’s supposed to be something like this…I’m happy for me but sad for all of you that are still trying. Opposite to what it always felt like….Happy for you but sad for me. That my friends is a given in life, there will always be people that have what we want, people that want what we have. Of-course we want to be sensitive of others out there still in the trenches because it’s what we excpected of people when we were on the other side of things but in saying that and i’m playing devil’s advocate here so please tell me how you feel. I have tried long and hard to have what we have now, many many tears were cried over this, I have supported many many people thru their pregnancies and/or birth of their babies. Do I stop this blog now that I am pregnant in fear of upsetting people with my joy? Do I keep my pregnancy to myself and not make a big thing about it (not that I think I have gone overboard but there are bitter people out there that seem to think differently)?
How does this all work? It’s all new. Do we do what we feel in our hearts and share our joy and those that don’t like it will not offer support? You know, this survivors guilt thing, I think that it’s not something we bring on ourselves, it’s people that can’t be happy for what it is that make infertiles feel the “guilt”. I was reading a post on fertilicare the other day where one of the newly pregnant ladies said that she feels guilty for feeling like she’s not enjoying every second of her pregnancy because of the awful morning sickness/symptoms that she was feeling. It’s so true how infertility fucks with your brain, you somehow think that you need to just smile and take it all in your stride when some of it can be really really hard. You are too scared to step a foot out of place in fear that someone will remind you about how much you wanted this and frankly, I think it’s bullshit. We are so hard on ourselves as infertiles, we want to do everything the right way, we want to do this as natrually as possible because we couldn’t get pregnant natrually, we put so much pressure on ourselves to breastfeed, be the “perfect” mom, but darlings, we are all human here.
There are things that I look back on and I cringe, things I have said and done that I am not proud of. I can say that, I know what this does to you, some days you just can not see the light but you know what, that’s okay too because it is what it is and those that love us will understand where it’s coming from. The wheel turns, most times when we expect it least, we live and we learn, we forgive and we forget and we move on with the lives that we have now because life can change in a second. How did pregnancy after infertility change your life?