13 weeks :o)

Time is certainly flying.

Time is a funny thing isn’t it, at first you feel like you will never ever have this dream, the months and years seem to melt into eachother as you go thru treatment after treatment and break after break. Sometimes you feel like the sand in the hour glass is not moving at all and at other times you feel like your drowning it’s going so fast. When I found out that I was pregnant, the days between the beta’s were pure torture – especially when things started looking like they were going wrong. Then it was waiting for the scans which I was spoilt with, from week 5 I had weekly scans, the longest wait was the wait between 7 and 9 weeks. Then came the wait between 9 and almost 13 weeks and now that I’m at 13 weeks and have seen my fully formed baby, I sit here wondering where on earth the time went.

As of today, I have 27 weeks to go, 25 actually since my ceaser will be done in week 38. It feels so surreal, I can not express that enough. I feel like i’m in a dream when I lie on that table watching the screen and as she prods my cervix my baby moves in reaction to that jolt. As she explains where everthing is, I try my hardest to take it all in because I can’t concentrate, all I do is gush over that screen and my baby.

I had my NT scan this past monday, it was amazing to see how my sweet peanut has grown. The sight of her perfect little face and fingers left me feeling breathless. She is measuring right on track for how far I am, her nuchal fold perfectly thin so we are now waiting for the blood results for the risk profile for downs but my gynea says that everything looks perfect. I met my new gynea and am very happy with her, she is very thorough and had answers for all the questions I had. Not going to VL was very strange and I felt sick to my stomach with nerves before the appointment.

As you may have picked up, it looks like we’re having a little girl which is the feeling I have had since very early on in this pregnancy. She told me not to go paint the room pink just yet but the absence of a pe.nis looks quite clear. I just know it’s a girl and i’m absolutely over the moon, of-course after all these years of infertility all I want is a baby and would have been happy with a little boy too but a little girl is just perfect and has me smiling from ear to ear.

Before I post the scan pic I want to say thank you to all of you who commented and understood my last post, I’m going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy while still trying to give support where I can, I will never forget where I came from.

For you veiwing pleasure, mommy’s little princess and her first outfit ūüėČ Belly pics are up on the belly pic page, i’m going to start taking pics every second weeks now. Love to you all Xxx

Can you see my little hand and perfect fingers up by my head??

Survivors guilt…

You know, I have to admit that before I fell pregnant, I never quite understood how it would feel. I always knew that I would love this baby with all my heart, what I didn’t understand is how soon that happens and the depth of it.

I will be honest here, for a women like me who suffered unexplained infertility where “implantation failure” seemed to be the only conclusion, I never understood what a miscarriage would feel like. Let me tell you that many many times all I wanted was to know that I could actually do it, back then anything other than zero on that beta would have given me hope. I always said to Dr V…”you know, even if we just got it a little bit right, I would feel better”

Being pregnant, seeing my babies heart beating on that scan has changed everything for me, the thought of losing this little soul became the worst thing imagineable to me. I was talking to a friend of mine who has had 3 miscarriages between 8 and 12 weeks (so after she had seen the heartbeat on a scan) and I told her that only now could I begin to imagine the depth of her pain. Before that I have sympathy for her but it wasn’t the same, she was very sweet about it and said “Tam, you need to remember something here, we all go thru things that other people will never understand until they are there” and she is so right. Like she doesn’t know what it’s like to try with fertility treatment time and time again and get nothing for it, I DO.

This life can be so cruel. We all have our own crosses to bear, all our experiences are different. Infertility for me isn’t always infertility for you, there are different reasons that we are infertile, different treatments. Some of us have to go thru so much more than others and even if we have been thru the same, we all deal with things differently because we are all different. I can not understand your pain and you can’t understand mine. This is how life works.

The years of infertility made me so jaded, my view of life and many other things became blurred. Those of you that have been there will understand that this happens even if we try hard to fight it, infertility changes us, it’s changes our relationships with people, it changes everything. Being pregnant hasn’t cured me, I will always carry that with me because it’s who I am. I never want to be that person that forgets how hard it can be for those still trying or for those that have chosen a different path to mine.

I have always been honest on this blog, when I never had anything to say, I didn’t say it and when I did then you all knew about it. You have all seen my pain, my unsureness, helped me make some decisions, helped me thru so very dark days and you have seen my joy when a cycle went right and my eggs fertalised. This joy is different now.

Apparently there’s something called “survivors guilt”, I can’t get my head around that. It’s supposed to be something like this…I’m happy for me but sad for all of you that are still trying. Opposite to what it always felt like….Happy for you but sad for me. That my friends is a given in life, there will always be people that have what we want, people that want what we have. Of-course we want to be sensitive of others out there still in the trenches because it’s what we excpected of people when we were on the other side of things but in saying that and i’m playing devil’s advocate here so please tell me how you feel. I have tried long and hard to have what we have now, many many tears were cried over this, I have supported many many people thru their pregnancies and/or birth of their babies. Do I stop this blog now that I am pregnant in fear of upsetting people with my joy? Do I keep my pregnancy to myself and not make a big thing about it (not that I think I have gone overboard but there are bitter people out there that seem to think differently)?

How does this all work? It’s all new. Do we do what we feel in our hearts and share our joy and those that don’t like it will not offer support? You know, this survivors guilt thing, I think that it’s not something we bring on ourselves, it’s people that can’t be happy for what it is that make infertiles feel the “guilt”. I was reading a post on fertilicare the other day where one of the newly pregnant ladies said that she feels guilty for feeling like she’s not enjoying every second of her pregnancy because of the awful morning sickness/symptoms that she was feeling. It’s so true how infertility fucks with your brain, you somehow think that you need to just smile and take it all in your stride when some of it can be really really hard. You are too scared to step a foot out of place in fear that someone will remind you about how much you wanted this and frankly, I think it’s bullshit. We are so hard on ourselves as infertiles, we want to do everything the right way, we want to do this as natrually as possible because we couldn’t get pregnant natrually, we put so much pressure on ourselves to breastfeed, be the “perfect” mom, but darlings, we are all human here.

There are things that I look back on and I cringe, things I have said and done that I am not proud of. I can say that, I know what this does to you, some days you just can not see the light but you know what, that’s okay too because it is what it is and those that love us will understand where it’s coming from. The wheel turns, most times when we expect it least, we live and we learn, we forgive and we forget and we move on with the lives that we have now because life can change in a second. How did pregnancy after infertility change your life?

Update

It’s been a while, I am 11w1d today. Time is flying by so quickly now, I can’t believe in a weeks time I will be in my 2nd trimester, I still feel like I’m living in a dream world.

We had our last scan at 9w2d and it was so amazing to see, our little miracle has arms and legs and moved around (apparently called twitching) when the probe went close to it. We were in absolute awe. The heartrate went up to 169bpm from 150bpm which is apparently a good sign since it indicates neurological development.

We are waiting for the next scan and counting the days until I reach that amazing 12 week mark. My morning sickness (which was anytime during the day but mostly at night) dissappeared overnight at around 9 weeks, it was followed by the most awful headaches which no amount of sleep or panado would budge, they too dissappeared as suddenly as they came about a week later. So here I sit, hardly any symptoms except for very sore huge boobies and a growing belly which I have to admit makes me smile.

The closer I get to 12 weeks the more I worry about this little Peanut, as much as I try the what if’s are there, I expect to wake up oneday and it was all a dream and it’s just gone. Frank asked me the other day if I was really happy because I am really “quiet” about this pregnancy, I told him that I feel incredibly blessed and I am so so happy but the scars of infertility run so deep. As happy as I am, it always feels like the other shoe is about to drop. I have to keep reminding myself that this is really happening and that I was wrong with making peace with never being pregnant. It’s all going to take some time….

I will be almost 13 weeks by the time we have out NT scan and we are hoping to find out the sex then and find out if this “feeling” I have is right. I can’t wait to see how much it’s grown, by then it will look like a real little human.

The one thing keeping me sane is the fact that we managed to pick up the babies heartbeat on the fetal doppler last night, it’s very soft since baby is only between 4-6cm right now, but that unmistakable sound of galloping horses is so awesome to hear!!

For your viewing pleasure, Peanut @ 9w2d. Will post pics of this growing belly soon ūüėČ

 

Details….

So, I know I’ve left you hanging a bit. Things have been a bit hectic and are finally starting to settle so I thought I’d update you on how we got this miraculous, long awaited¬†BFP!

So, this last year was one of the hardest we’ve had to face since trying for a baby. I was in a bad bad head space hence the absence from this blog, I needed to just live for a while and try and decide what it was that I wanted out of this life and my marriage. I was starting to think that maybe living child free was a good option. My marriage was on the rocks, like never before and as I look back now, I wonder how we made it thru.

Two of my closest friends fell pregnant within 2 weeks of eachother and while I was so happy for them, it rocked my world and made me put more thought into whether we (more me than Frank) were ready to call it quits. Seeing them go thru a process that we have all tried to get to for so long was amazing, to see how it changed and healed them was something I could not comprehend. Our friendships have become even stronger thru this because we were always honest. They knew what it was like to be on the other side of this and were very considerate with my feelings. But while this was all going on I was still in denial about my own process, being happy with loving their little miracles and making peace (so I thought) with my child-free existance.

Over a year had passed since my GIFT, I had gone onto the pill again (last year already in a way to preserve my sanity and my marriage) and refused to go off it. Frank kept on bringing up our FET and I kept telling him that I wasn’t ready, that I just couldn’t face doing treatment again because I couldn’t pick up the pieces of our lives after it failed again. I¬†got good at living a child free life, I started driking a lot, partying a lot and doing all the things that having children would stop me from doing, I was loving life and every time babies entered my mind they were pushed out very quickly.

Sam (beautiful Sam) started on my case about my FET, as usual she helped me work thru a lot. So I had her and Frank on my case, much fun I tell you. Eventually I gave in and contacted Dr V, told him that I wasn’t going the surrogate route (I think he must have rolled his eyes). He told me to come in to check that everything was okay. I went in and lo and behold I had a polyp, what a surprise that was *snigger, snigger*

I can not tell you how I cried on that table, I was so sick of everything being hard and all this did was remind of why I had stayed away so long. I was even more convinced that I was wasting time and money on doing this again, but the embryo’s were there and all I wanted to do was get it over with and get on with life. Dr V scratched his head once again since I had now been on the pill for 7 months and that is supposed to stop Polyps, he should know by now that my body never does what it’s supposed to do. He managed to get the Polyp out by pulling it loose using the hysteroscopy tool, holy crap – I nearly pee’d myself on that table!

I went back the following month to check that all was okay in there and this time I cried tears of Joy, time to get the show on the road. Um, no….Dr V does not want to do a natural cycle. I insist on Cortico Steriods, he says yes but then he gets to choose the protocol, I say…hey, whatever dude.

So, we do¬†a long estrogen priming protocol, the one that he would use for a surrogate. He puts me on Lucrin Depot and estrapause, I so the Lucrin on CD2 and start the estrapause on CD 3 (two a day for a few days, 3 a day for a few days and then 4 a day) I only scan on CD19 of my cycle and all looks good, carry on with estrapause and on CD22 I start Gestone. CD23 embies are taken out and I do intralipds. CD24 we do transfer of three beautiful embryo’s and I start Meticorten, Clexane, Ecotrin, Folic Acid and stay on the estrapauase end Gestone, by now if you shake me I rattle.

On transfer day, Dr V calls me in. As usual he scratches his head and I panic. He tells us the we are the “anomoly” in the clinic, I say “Oh Shit, what now?” He tells me that he just can’t understand this, as always I make the most beautiful embryo’s but he can’t get me pregnant. I joke and¬†say that maybe he’s putting them in the wrong womb. So not only did my embryo’s survive the thaw, they (according to Dr V) look like fresh embryo’s. Out of the 7 cell & 2 x 8 cells we started with we have a compacting blast, a 12 cell and a 9 cell so we put them all back. This time transfer was different, I was calm and I never shed a tear. I felt different, almost at peace that what happens happens. Off we went to start the 2ww and life carried on as normal.

A few days after transfer I started getting hectic back pain, just would not budge, the most awful period pain that I was convinced that AF was coming. I was waiting for the sore boobs which I always always get, never got them (which apparently for me was a good sign since sore boobs always meant my prog was starting to drop and now that I’m pregnant I realise that the sore boobs I always got were very different from pregnant sore boobs). I walked into the kitchen at work a few days before my test and said to the cleaning lady “oooh, what’s that nice smell?”, she turned to me and looked at me like I was crazy “it’s dometos” she says. It was then that I thought the backache and that had to mean something but my mind was reeling, FET’s don’t work…or do they??!

The day before my test I felt sick to my stomach, but I thought that it was just nerves. We went into the clinic the next morning at around 10am, I had taken the day off but I was in no hurry for this result. We had our bloods and off we went to go have breakfast. It took over an hour for them to phone and I was convinced it was bad news, time to prepare myself for what I knew was coming.

At 11:45 they phoned. I will never ever forget that phone call. Christina asked where I am, I say down the road. She says….”Well, please come back cos you need extra meds” I say…whaaat?, she says “You’re pregnant”. I scream and instantly start to cry. Frank stops that car in the middle of no-where and comes around the car….he’s saying “get out, get out” while I sit and sob. I get out and we both stand there crying.

We go back to the clinic and my beta is 1073, “holy crap” I say. It’s 13 days past transfer (plus 2 for when the embies came out) and that beta is high. Dr V comes to see me and hugs me, he tells me that he’s sure there are two sets of eyes in there and I couldn’t be happier. He tells me that he thinks the difference here is that we didn’t stim, that we prepared my lining differently. Now for those of you out there that have recurrent implantation failure like me, take note. Apparently stimming can change your lining, so your lining may look awesome but it’s not. So, in cases like mine FET’s work better. So if we ever did this again, we would stim…do ER and freeze, then prepare lining in the next cycle and transfer. At the end of the day who knows what made the difference, it could be that, it could be all the meds we were on, it could just be that it was time.

We were in 7th heaven, 2nd beta at 19dpo was 3083 so looking good for twins still, third beta however changed everything. 21dpo beta was 4352, I get a call from the clinic saying that my beta doesn’t look right, it’s growing but not like it should. Of-course you panic but Dr V says he’s not worried yet because we put three back and he thinks that the third one is coming away and that it will pick up again, come back in two days. I go back on 23dpo and it’s 5279. Fuck. Dr V says, come in on Monday for a scan.

At this point I am in my 5th week, that is the scan that you see on my BFP post. All this scan serves to do it reassure us that it’s not ectopic and that there is a sac and a fetal pole which there was. It is confirmed here that there is only 1 – I am to return on the following monday for another scan, no more beta’s. Dr V thinks that there were three, that one stopped and then the other one which would def mess with the numbers.

On the following Saturday, in the early hours of the morning I go to the loo and I’m bleeding. I go back to bed without telling Frank and try to sleep. In the morning I tell him that i’m bleeding, that look on his face kills me. Dr V says to go in. We go for a scan, 6w3days and we see a beautiful beating heart. Dr V doesn’t want to fiddle because of the bleeding so he doesn’t measure or anything, my next scan is Friday @ 7w2d. The spotting carries on until wed.

We go for our official scan on the friday, Dr V finds the second sac, much much smaller than our growing bub. My heart sank a little seeing it and knowing for sure that it was growing but I am overwhelmed with the beating heart of my little Peanut @ a good 150bpm. Measuring right on track for 7w2d. It’s still early days and I’m just passed 8 weeks now, I have my final scan @ Vitalab¬†next week friday and then again at 12weeks at a gynea. My body is telling me that i’m pregnant everyday which is reassuring, the morning sickness is the worst thing but I’m happy to take it cos it tells me it’s all okay. I watch in awe as things change so fast with my body and my mind.

Frank asked me the other day if it was all worth it, all the heartache and the tears…I replied…..”Without a doubt”.

At a crossroads…

It’s been a while, I know. I haven’t had the words really so what’s the use?

I’m on the mend, in fact some days my life seems happy & normal and I feel like my heart has healed from it’s latest break and then I see a pregnant women or a new born baby and I am reminded that I would be 18 weeks pregnant by now and almost half way to my dream coming true and I can feel that emptiness creep into my heart…

I have to be honest and say that I had some mixed feelings from the comments on my last post. I was in a bad place, trying¬†to make a decision that my heart and my mind were so not ready for. I find myself in a place where I want answers/suggestions/some way to make this easier but at the end of the day only I can decide the way forward. I’ve come to a point where peoples comments/thoughts on this don’t actually help me anymore because until you are in this you cannot possibly understand the depth of it all (more in real life so please don’t shoot me).

As infertiles we have a plan in our minds, we have a rope that we let out and pull back when we feel unsure or out of our comfort zone, we all have a limit as to what we are prepared to do and how far we are prepared to go for this to end happily. My ideals have always been very ridgedly set from the start and that’s just me, I can be my own worst enemy by doing this because you would think after 5 years of this shit I would learn that nothing is set in stone, that our ideals need to change and revolve around the situation we are in at the time.

I have always said that the end goal wasn’t just a baby for me, I wanted the whole package: Pregnancy of a genetic child (both mine and Franks) and while that might seem small minded, we are all different. I always said that I would consider surrogacy before donor or adoption because¬†of genetics and as Frank recently put it “a legacy to leave behind”.

Surrogacy is a whole new can of worms and I was open to it, until I was faced with it. Being faced with it made me feel ill, in fact the more I thought about it, the more I felt  cheated because I knew that I would be giving something very important (in my mind) up and that made me angry because as infertiles we already loose so much. The more I thought about it and tried to make sense of it, the more I was reminded of the fact that my case was different to a lot of others that are faced with surrogacy. I HAVE all the things I need to make a baby, my uterus is intact and there really should be no reason that I cannot do this. I think that my lovely Dr is trying to help me to get to that happy ending, I love him for that but I do think that we are jumping the gun here.

I have decided after seeing a very dear friend battle the in’s and out’s of surrogacy that it’s not something¬†I want to do. I just doesn’t sit well with me, it never has and while many of you are probably thinking that I’ve lost my marbles because this should be an easy decision¬†since at the end of the day “it’s about having a baby”, not the pregnancy…..for me it is.

This hasn’t been an easy decision but a wonderful friend of mine has reminded me that I can carry on, that many many countless women try over and over again and only get it right after 4 or more fresh cycles, I’ve done my research she’s right. Granted, those of us that have recurrent implantation failure are normally a small % and there are many women that get it right sooner and then of-course there are those that never do.

Frank will do whatever I want, he’s told me that he knows I’m not ready to stop despite my “fuck this shit, I’m finished” tantrum after last cycle. He told me that he’s know’s I wont be complete without this and he’s also decided that he wants/needs this too and that conversation was where the leaving behind a legacy part came from (meaning he wants part of him left behind).

I’m toying with a few ideas here, I’ve decided that¬†I am willing to give up on genetics on my side since that might mean that I am able to still carry the baby and it will still be my blood that gave it life. Without me, it would not be ~ but not yet. I want to do our FET, we have 3 beautiful embies on ice – we’ll mix things up a bit and add cortico-steriods and fragmin and Intralipids again. Should our FET not work, we’ll go from there. I’ll probably do another fresh cycle before looking at donor.

I do believe in my heart that this journey will end happily, I choose believe because without that I have nothing….right now, this is me, except for the fact the my decisions are so much harder, if only life was this simple:

Outside looking in…

I’m standing outside my bedroom window, I’m looking in at the life I should have had. It’s been almost 4 weeks since our BFN and tomorrow I should have been 8 weeks pregnant, I should have been watching my tummy grow, I should have been happier than I have ever been, I should have been waiting for the day that our baby was placed in my arms as Frank and I cried with joy and felt our hearts overflow with a love that we have never known. If I think back on my life, it’s always been like this. I’ve always been outside looking in and wishing that things were different.

It’s more so now as I feel like my hopes and dreams will never come true, I feel so left behind once again since everyone (even real life friends) tend to move forward and here I am, still trying to do the same old thing with the same old result. It’s so disheartening since I expected to be in a different place after 5 years of marriage.

I haven’t had the words to blog, I haven’t been reading blogs either because I don’t feel like I have much to offer. I’m in such a different place to before because it’s all changed, it’s not the same anymore and neither is this grieving process. I am so thankful for the people in my life that have offered almost daily support in form of e-mails, phone calls and texts, these few people really understand and have helped me through some hard times. You know who you are and I love you guys for it!

We had our follow up appointment¬†over¬†2 weeks ago and I have to be honest when I say that I knew what to expect. According to Dr V, this last cycle was perfect. It should have worked, my E2 was perfect and therefore so were my eggs, the sperm was the best we’ve ever had. The ER and GIFT went off fine with no complications, we had a good fert rate and no bleeding before test¬†day¬†but once again – no implantation. He asked how I felt, I told him I’m tired of it all. He asked what I wanted to do and I told him that honestly, I want to stop. I want it all to stop because I don’t have it in me to fight anymore.

He said that they (all 3 FS’s) had reviewed our case and had come up with 3 options:

  • We could carry on regardless, do IVF after IVF until we get a positive result but this could never happen and he doesn’t suggest it
  • We could do an IVF with surrogate back-up which he thinks is the way to go, there are so many pro’s and con’s to this one – this one is the hardest one for me to get my head around
  • We could use Donor Eggs or Sperm – this one, my friends is the cracker (more on this lower down)

We spoke for a long time, my mind realing because even if you think you are prepared you are never really prepared. He is the most wonderful Dr and understands this so well, he is so compassionate and I know he wants this for us as much as we want it.

At this point in time, after 4 long years of being at VL they are still scratching their heads with this one, as far as Dr V is concerned, we shouldn’t have a problem conceiving, there is one of two things that they now¬†think could be the problem. It’s such a mind-fuck to hear that you are perfect but yet they can throw everything at you, try absolutely everything that there is to offer with no positive result. Why?

So what is it that they think is wrong? Either it’s my uterus which would mean that it’s not doing this: At the time of ovulation the uterus and the endometrial lining are prepared for implantation. The glands and the endometrium are thickened to 10-14 mm, have formed three zones, blood vessels and blood flow have entered zone three and the glands are producing rich sugar-like secretions to nourish the embryo until it implants. New molecules are forming on the lining to make it receptive and sticky (integrins) for the embryo. Heparin molecules enter the uterine lining support binding of the embryo to the lining. A complicated orchestration of different types of lymphocytes is involved in binding the embryo to the lining and then helping it to develop the placenta or it could be that Frank and I are making good embryo’s but are “reproductively imcompatible” which would mean that something is going wrong down the line (after the embryo’s are put back). Unfortunately there are no tests for either one of these and it could be either (we have had all immune, chromosome¬†and HLA tests done and none of these showed anything wrong).

This is why Donor was brought up, changing one of the parameters could work and in this case Donor Sperm would be the easiest in terms of treatment since it would mean doing IUI’s instead of IVF. Frank and I have always said that we would never use Donor (but you cannot really¬†decide until it becomes a reality for you) so we did discuss it and have decided against it since we started this journey to have a baby (geneticly) together. The only thing left is the dual transfer using a surrogate which changes everything.

I have spent many many hours debating¬†this with close friends and Frank. I think that I can do the whole surrogacy thing, I think that if I had a choice¬†between not having a baby and having someone else carry it for me that there would be no question but thinking about it and actually¬†doing it is two different things¬†as I’m sure you can imagine. Trying to make a decision about the future has been hard and I don’t think that we are anywhere near our answer.

We could stick to our guns and do more IVF’s (but I already feel like a fool for not listening the first time) because sometimes it takes more than 3 fresh and 1 frozen cycles to get it right and it might still work eventually or we could do IUI’s since it’s clear that we have fertalisation and IVF isn’t needed anymore, Dr V is happy for us to do this but it’s around R5000 a pop now and even if we just did 3 and they all failed then it would mean R15000 that I could have put towards a surro cycle – of-course this is like many things in life, it’s always worth it if it works but right now I’m a bit gun-shy…and then there is surrogacy.

We have someone that offered before our GIFT but offering something like this when you don’t really know the in’s and out’s of it all is different to really meaning that you want to do it. We haven’t had a chance to sit and discuss it with them yet so in terms of making decisions it’s hard because it’s not just about Frank and I anymore, it’s about another couple and their children, lawyers and high courts, counsellors and screening etc etc etc.

And then of-course there are our frozen embies, 3 of them, excellent quality apparently which Dr V feels should go into a surrogate since she wont need it to be medicated and wont need intralipids. Of-course all that he has suggested is our choice and I can say fuck it and do the FET only to feel like an idiot when it fails but the paperwork involved in using a surrogate for the FET just seems pointless too, so as you can see, we are still nowhere near making any real decisions.

The one thing I know for sure is that I need to start living a normal life again, one that doesn’t revolve around babies and future plans to conceive, I need to stop living my life in 2 week cycles and hoping for a miracle but the big question right now is how? How do I do that after 5 years of living and breathing infertility? How do I do that when I want to be inside looking out?

Dr V also says that I could go for a second opinion, I think he’s frustrated too but tell me please, what is someone else going to try that we haven’t already tried? He doesn’t think it’s necessary for me to go on the pill since the pill doesn’t stop my polyps anyway and in his words “I don’t want to take the small chance of a miracle away from you”….bless him but I don’t believe in miracles anymore

So that it folks, we haven’t moved forward and we haven’t moved backwards, we’re still here, in the same place and part of me still wonders if I will always be on the outside looking in

Edited to add: Sheesh – for someone that has nothing to say this is a bloody long post!

The end…

I’ve been trying to find the words all day. The truth is that there are none because it’s over. It’s the end of a very long and hard journey.

Our beta came back zero, not 5, not 10, not even 1. Fucking zero.

I’m confused, I am angry, my heart is broken into a million peices. How could I have been so wrong? Why didn’t I listen when they said I couldn’t do it? How could this happen again? Does anyone have the answers for me?

This feeling of utter emptiness doesn’t change, the feelings of loss for our future children and the plans we made in our heads are the same too, as are the ones of complete failure. This time is no different from the times before, this time however has such a finality to it that I don’t know which way is up. I’m slowly sinking in a whirlpool of emotions, trying to figure out how I really feel.

Frank is being such a honey, he’s cried with me because this time felt so different, this time felt so right, so real. This morning we were discussing just how much today would change our lives, how today would be the beginning of a new journey but it was not to be.

Maybe it’s time to accept that this is my lot in life, maybe this is just the way it’s meant to be, just the two of us and our dogs. Maybe it’s time to read the writing on the wall and throw in the towel, to put an end to all this madness. I can’t kid myself anymore, it’s very clear now that I cannot do this, no matter how the dr’s try to help me do it, my body just wont, it is incapable of giving me the thing I want the most in this life.

Frank reminded me that we still have 3 frozen embies left, I told him that they weren’t putting them near me. I can’t do this. He told me that we would make a plan, sort something out, I love that man so for believing when I can’t.

Our follow up appointment is on the 19th with Dr V, I already know that he’s going to say. We’ve tried everything now with not a hint of success to speak of. He’s going to bring up surrogacy again. I feel so cheated, so angry that I can’t do this, my body is such a failure to women-kind and I told Frank that I would understand if he didn’t want me anymore, if he wanted someone that could give him children because I am so broken, he told me that it’s not my fault and that we are in this together, it’s very sweet but that doesn’t make me not broken. I wanted to carry my own children, I wanted to feel them grow inside of me and experience that which so many women take for granted, making a life.

I can not explain the feelings of loss right now, not only has our best chance at success failed – with it goes the dreams I’ve always had of carrying¬†a baby, with it comes the end of a journey, a very hard, long and sad one. I know I could carry on regardless because no-one ever knows, there are people that have done double what I have to acheive success but right now that feels like throwing my heart and endless amounts of money into a never-ending well of sadness.

Where to from here, I don’t know. All I know right now is that I am finished, in more ways than one. I can’t do it anymore, I need time for my fragile heart and mind to heal, to process what it is I want out of this life now. I need to grieve the loss of all these things. Thank you to all of you that have “held¬† my hand” thru this journey, I really wish that it could have been different.

Holy Cr@p!!

I’m on 16 days past GIFT people, can you friggin’ believe it??? I sure can’t

I have never ever made it this far, not with one treatment in the almost 4 years¬†at VL. It feels so surreal and so bloody scary too. Today is CD30, in the past I have always had a full bleed by now, I keep on wondering if it’s just the hormones keeping her at bay or if¬† I am really the “P word”. I may as well move my desk to the loo with the the TP (toilet paper)¬†checks I’m doing lately!!

I “feel” like this is it but I’ve been wrong before so I am so scared to have hope but I just can’t help myself. I never slept a wink last night since everytime I got a cramp in my tum I got up to check and prayed that it wasn’t AF,¬†I don’t expect tonight to be any better.

What I do know is that if by some chance I’m wrong, Frank and I will both be broken because even he has managed to start getting excited and is saying things like “do you really think that it might be our turn now babe?”, I can’t tell you what that does to my heart.

Please please please, let it be our turn. One more sleep people, just one more sleep until our lives are *hopefully* changed forever!

15 days past GIFT

Sorry to leave you all hanging, my how time has flown! I’ve been so busy at work and then trying to keep myself busy by seeing friends on public holdays and weekends while fitting in some quiet time too.

Yesterday was CD28, one of the many pass/fail points I always seem to fail. Today is CD29 and so far so good. No AF Cramps or spotting. Of-course I am not naive, I’ve been down this road before, had all the symptoms only for it to end in a BFN. AF missing in action could very well be from all the hormones I am on. All the positive signs could be from them too. Only time will tell now.

I have a few days left to Beta, I never make it to actual beta day so this will also be a first. I must admit that the gestone shots are getting to me a bit, my bum so sore and bruised now that it’s getting difficult to find a comfortable position at night but I keep reminding myself that it will oh so worth it.

Will this be it, I sure hope so ūüėČ